My favorite verse.

 

Teringat seorang sahabat setia, Dia slalu berkata "Aku beserta."

The right here and now.

 

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Teman-temanku yang baik hati.

Malam ini malam Senin. Malam yang sedang berusaha aku cintai akhir-akhir ini karena Senin sudah kuasosiasikan dengan hal-hal buruk (meeting, list kerjaan yg makin banyak, nostalgia weekend yg gamau pergi, dll). Tapi entah malem ini kok tiba-tiba emosional. Tiba-tiba nangis (entah akhir-akhir ini gampang banget nangis) padahal PMS-nya udah minggu lalu. Tiba-tiba homesick dan kangen banget mama. At the same time hatiku senang dan penuh karena abis ketemu Donna (it's always nice meeting up with her) dan ketemu Tante Marinah (it feels nice to repair the broken family relationship).

Pulang-pulang disambut kado dari Donna dan Carina, dua teman turned sahabat yang baru aku kenal kurang lebih 2-3 tahun terakhir. Dipikir-pikir... tahun ini aku dapet kado ultah banyak banget dari orang-orang terdekat. Aku.... sungguh bersyukur. Emphasize-nya bukan bersyukur dapet kado, tapi lebih ke.... I have very caring & thoughtful friends around me.

Dari dulu selalu berpikir, apa ya biggest blessing in my life. Beberapa kali merenung.. sepertinya biggest blessing in my life adalah:

1. Islam. Agama-ku. Islam itu indah sekali.
2. Kesempatan untuk hidup. Merasakan cinta kasih Tuhan dalam setiap ciptaannya. Daun, pohon, ranting, tanah, awan, langit, manusia, hewan... Semoga aku selalu dapat selalu merasakan dan beryukur atas cinta kasih-Nya yang tiada tara setiap harinya.
3. Teman-teman yang baik dan orang-orang yang percaya padaku.

Sekarang aku pengen ngobrol yang nomer 3, terutama yang part pertama. Tentang teman2ku. Balik ke premis pertama, yaitu bahwa tahun ini aku dapet kado ultah banyak banget. Tiba2 di-chat nanya alamat atau tiba2 muncul aja paket atas nama Bethari padahal gak beli.... Atau ya kayak tiba2 diajak keluar untuk beli kado bareng. Bentar, gaada niat apa2 tapi cm mau list down beberapa kado yg kuterima sesuai timeline:

• Galih: sepatu gunung Salomon yang sangat wenak dan enteng dipake dan teruji pulang Sumbing kakiku sehat walafiat ga lecet huhuhu (spesial karena dikasinya 6 Oktober dan dipake seminggu sebelum ultah bahkan hehehe makasi gal)
• Caca: a very good company in Jogja & suprise pertama di hari ultah
• Cumpi: tas rajutan homemade yang sangat lucu
• Tika: weekly planner akrilik sesuai request-ku
• Dee: umbul-umbul Nepal sambil manifesting, aamiin
• Donna-Carina: tas ransel lucuk yg bisa masuk laptop

Dan sebenernya masih ada beberapa orang yg nanyain lagi butuh apa....

Dan seketika berpikir... orang-orang kok baik sekali ya sama aku.... Apakah aku deserve all this love, all their love? Bahkan nggak ngasih kado dan mereka ngucapin aja aku sangat sungguh bersyukur. Kok orang masih mau ucapin ultah untukku ya.... Being a self-claim independent girl that I am, I think I will never get used to the idea of people giving me fancy things. There's nothing as free lunch they say. I always work my ass off so something is evoked in me when receiving things I didn't work hard for. Maybe it's just my upbringing but I always feel undeserving, of love, of material things, of time, of attention. And it's both strange and calming to actually receive it: to know that I matter just by existing, to acknowledge that my presence in their life is worth celebrating.

I'm a little softie inside. And here comes the list of questions:

Do I matter in their lives? How do I matter if so? Did I ever hurt their heart? How do I make it up to them then? Did I ever repay their kindness to me enough? What if I die tomorrow without ever repaying their kindness to me? Will they come to my funeral? What do they say about me? Will they cry when they lose me? Will they still call me when I'm not around anymore? Will they pray for me?

All these questions haunt me.

Jika teman-temanku sangat baik hati padaku, apakah aku sudah jadi teman yang baik pula pada mereka?

I've said it once and Imma say it again: dikeliling teman-teman yang baik adalah rezeki yang tidak ternilai harganya. Doaku hanyalah semoga mereka selalu sehat dan juga dikelilingi orang-orang baik. Dan semoga aku juga bisa jadi teman yang baik untuk mereka. Aamiin...

Unlocking layers of self-awareness.

Jadi kehidupan lagi susah lagi. Should I blame period too for crying again today? Seumur-umur nggak pernah homesick, tapi lihat video Bocil hari ini aku nangis sambil senyum. He's grown very fast since the last time we met. It's been almost 2 months now...

Rasanya gampang ya mensyukuri sesuatu if everything goes well & as planned. The real deal is when everything is crumbling and you CHOOSE to embrace the mess. Susah sekali. I thought my mind has been very well trained... ternyata tidak. I am blaming my work for the hardship I encounter, for my inability to control my emotions & manage my time. It is so hard to do so....

Discovering layers of self-awareness every single day is both painful & exciting.

Rooting for myself for everything she's been through the past years, months, days. An appreciation post for the growth no one sees. This time around is not easy man, but you thrive. Thank you.

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25.

Celebrating a milestone in life with a combination of the things that I love: museum memories of my Javanese roots & the sake of knowledge, solo trips in loving remembrance of the sparks & impulsivity & freedom I've had all my life, good view, good food, good friend, a flower bouquet full of self-love & compassion, and a cake from me to me.

My life isn't perfect. But it is enough.