Beberapa minggu terakhir ada satu hal yang cukup membuatku termenung dan ber-refleksi cukup dalam.
Rabu minggu lalu aku sama Iyak ke IKEA. Niatnya beli rak jemuran, tapi sebenernya aku emang pengen jalan-jalan ke IKEA aja. I didn't know why - but later I found out (my feeling was so strong that day). Weekend sebelumnya sebenernya udah kesana sama Bumble Boy, but I didn't really enjoy my time there karena gaada particular agenda dan gak pengen2 banget cuci mata pas itu so we spent most of the time conversing instead of lihat-lihat dan itu....draining...banget (the reason why I keep on refusing when he asked me out every weekend: I am so tired to catch up with new people, my social battery to expose myself to complete stranger - the need to explain myself, and to observe the other party is now running out of energy).
There was nothing special that day until.... I saw Aris. With his new girl (I'm assuming). And they were holding hands.
This scene felt....familiar. Reminded me of the days when it was ME he'd ask for furniture recos or new places to explore and it was MY hand he was holding. My heart rushed and pumped of the thoughts that he might find out we were in this very same place and time, unintentionally. Of the thoughts whether I should greet him or not. And if yes, how. And if not... would I regret. And most of all - the confusion driving me down on WHAT TO FEEL. Should I be happy to finally see him again ('cause yes there's this tiny part of me that is happy)? Or should I be sad of the scene I just saw before me?
The most terrifying part was in those split seconds... I started to think that there must have been something wrong with me that he left and moved on so fast. Yes I moved on pretty well this time, but feelings and grief comes in waves. Not only that he is the man in I picture in my Last Kiss and my august, he is also the man I picture in Renegade and Better Man. He was the man whose arms I could still feel at 1.58AM, the one who was never mine to lose, whose damage damaged me, who I thought would've been the one if only he was a better man... I thought about our potentials and the what-ifs and what could have been had we were still together. We. Were. Almost. Lovers. Saying we aren't is like saying that the sky ain't blue.
So I greeted him. With a big smile, one side hoping he'd see how happy and unbothered I am with our status the last time we met. I didn't know if I really mean it... but past this unprecedented encounter... my feelings messed up real bad.
***
Beberapa minggu lalu juga Nabil menikah, sama pacar dia setelah aku. And so I thought: oh gini ya rasanya jadi the one before The One? Kayak yang Mamuy pernah bilang. "Itu tuh bikin aku mikir, kenapa ya dia bisa serius dan mau menikahi cewe itu tapi pas sama aku dia nggak seyakin itu?" Terlepas ada kemungkinan bahwa some things really were not meant to be, pemikiran ini sangat distortif terhadap caraku melihat diriku. I doubt my worth. Seandainya aku nggak se-self aware itu mungkin aku masih terjebak dalam kesedihan berkepanjangan kalau mungkin memang AKU yang salah, aku yang kurang, dan aku yang susah dicintai.
Hal ini gak cuma utk relasi romantis. Bahkan untuk konteks pekerjaan pun beberapa hal jadi triggering. Sebagai satu-satunya UFLP yang sampe 2.5 tahun tapi nggak jadi manager, ngelihat temen2 naik duluan rasanya hati kayak dirobek-robek. Rasanya susah banget untuk nggak nginget lagi momen 8 bulan terkelam dalam hidupku. Nangis-nangis sambil kerja tiap hari under manager kayak gitu seakan nggak ada artinya. Susah untuk nggak bandingin diri. Susah untuk berusaha husnuzon dan nggak membuat skenario semacam "coba kalo mereka ada di posisiku waktu itu apakah mereka akan survive juga?" atau sebaliknya "coba kalo aku yang di posisi mereka skrg aku juga udah naik manager pasti." Meskipun aku tau everything happens for a reason dan aku tau suatu hari all those hard years sebenarnya sedang mempersiapkanku untuk sesuatu yang lebih besar di kemudian hari... rasanya memang susah banget untuk benar-benar memaaafkan oknum RM dan melanjutkan hidup dengan normal seakan nggak pernah terjadi apa-apa. Because clearly, there WAS something happening and all things I'm doing today, my career, my achievement at work, semuanya stuck (well, I can say) karena dia. Now I need to climb 2x harder than my friends despite having gone the same bloody 2.5 years. It is painful. Still was, still is, forever be.
***
The thing about life is that it is cruel.
I still remember the day my then-boyfriend refused to see me at campus making me believe that I was unworthy of being called his girlfriend. I still remember the days I pulled an all-nighter meeting unrealistic deadlines that shitty boss be giving me only to be wasted as un-potential talent making me believe that maybe I really am NOT qualified to be promoted. I still remember the days I asked to handle my heart with care (to which he said yes) only to got left on read making me believe that maybe I really am NOT worthy of commitment and healthy relationship.
Malem itu aku banyak banget mikir... some people can really go on with their lives like nothing ever happened without knowing how badly they've hurt me and shifted my life completely. They've got new life, new job, new partner while I am right where they left me, just as miserable, still collecting all the broken pieces and mend it altogether...all by myself. Of all the damages they made.
So here's to all heartbroken souls out there still thriving life to work out as we want it to be. May we find closure (within ourselves) about people/things that hurt us that we don't talk outloud. May they find their happiness.. as much as us finding our own peace of mind.