It is that time of the year for Spotify Wrapped 2023... and here I am still the same hopeless romantic heartbroken sad autumn girl sitting at the backburner. My top artist is still Taylor Swift and as I type this, La La Lost You from Niki is playing on the background. This, then Oceans and Engines, The Apartment We Won't Share, and All of the Girls You Loved Before, will be playing afterwards.... Each song has its own story why it makes to my Top Songs.
Sometimes Spotify Wrapped will not only depicts what kind of arts (songs or artists, basically) you enjoy or appreciate much.. it shows what story you resonate most with the lyrics and who you think about when the song plays. Oh, arts...
It's Thursday evening as I'm writing. I have IELTS course on 7pm and I haven't made my homework. I had all day slacking because today we had SPM huddle and days were never productive with all these kinds of WFC stuffs. Went home at 4pm with the good news that Titir had finally made it official with one of our highschool friend whom we talked and laughed about over a late-night convo shivering at Chomrong, Annapurna, until our stomach hurt (Allah Maha Membolak-balikkan Hati). I should be giving feedbacks for the interior design for my new apartment but it's been abandoned for almost 3 months now and I hate myself for that. I think about my upcoming yoga teacher training on Jan. Oh the thrill and anxiety. The Master's prep... I have official IELTS test in 3 weeks and I am not even 80% ready. I promise myself to catch up on the next 2 weeks on each skill but I keep betraying it. I hate myself for that 2.0. My dad is having health issue with his back and I'm taking care of him (from afar) now. I binge-eat and ate too much carbs and less protein lately. I blame myself for sleeping 7+ hours and postponing every office-related to-do-lists the past one week disguised as "closing" when in reality I just... couldn't function. I am so tired. I try to balance everything. Yoga and work and Masters and.... life. But I can't. Aku capek and I just want to cry but my tears won't shed.
It's my second day of period. Maybe it's hormones but I doubt it. I have so much happening around. I acknowledge the fact that not all things deserve my attention but this monkey mind won't cooperate. So many are triggering now and I am so so triggered and I hate myself for that 3.0...
Please please if I name-drop here don't come at me I just love what they have for them I just hate myself that I'm triggered with the feelings --> meaning that I have unfinished business with myelf on that matter that needs healing/closure (for myself) ajasih...
- PR feedback interior udah 3 bulan mangkrak padahal kamar udah bener-bener butuh lemari karena aku males. Kenapa males? Karena udah ke-disctract hal lain (S2, dll). Dan mikirin biaya interior juga.
- Nyak lolos Columbia & LPDP aku jadi menyadari kalo aku tuh sbenernya juga pengen S2 tapi terlalu takut aja --> I end up chasing it tapi dengan segala persiapan dan ketakutanku sendiri rasanya capek banget di-darderdor dari segala sisi bahkan dari dalem diri.
- Karena poin di atas, jadi bener-bener gak semangat kerja. Udah bener2 males extra miles dan begadang alhasil kerjaan banyak pending. Udah di level uninspired dan melihat pekerjaan ini stuck (padahal mungkin belum tentu).
- Karena poin kedua di atas lagi.. aku jadi harus banyak sacrifice waktu lain-lain untuk prep S2. Aku gak masalah tapi aku juga sedih jd gak banyak yoga lagi (yoga has saved my life so much). Dan jadi mikir ini YTT Januari nanti bisa gak ya... Kalopun udah lulus mau ngajar dimana coba??? Apakah aku cocok jadi guru? Bisa? Ada yg mau aku ajar? Oh so many questions in my head.
- Titir udah official sama * dan ini sedikit banyak bikin aku reminiscing aku sama Aris dulu. Nama grup kita "Didekatkan Jodoh 2023" karena aku hampir jadi sama Aris tapi akhir 2023 kok malah Titir yg jadi wkwkw (sumpah I'm so so so happy for her tp bener-bener jd ketrigger aja). Kenapa ke-trigger? Karena aku sangat sangat sangat berharap sama Aris kemarin... padahal udah tau itu ga akan jadi. I broke my own expectation. Dan bener-bener mikir salahku apa ya Ya Tuhan... Pengen punya pacar kok susah banget. Mau jatuh cinta dan mempersilahkan orang mencintaiku aja susah banget gitu... Udah jatuh cinta kenapa gabisa jadi (it's been happening 2-3 times!!!). Kayak... apakah aku emang susah dicintai? Apa yg harus aku perbaiki (banyak sih).. Tapi terus harus gimana ya Allah...
- And the list goes on and on and on....