Guys who aren't ready.

I just finished a solo-turned-to-duo road trip just 2 days ago. To Jateng. This place has always hold a special place in my heart. My roots, my ancestors - my grandparents from both sides are from Central Java. Long story short, destiny brings the most fun part to the table. What I initially planned to be a wild trip for myself and myself only turned out to be one of the most fulfilling journey this year filled with people I love. How I love my freedom, my courage, and most importantly... my (best) friends. Thank you Titir, Icuk, and Yonkies for the company arriving to Semarang. Thank you Mamuy for the company departing from Semarang. Thank you Allah for all the beautiful coincidences you have planned since millions of years ago.

By now I know you know that my heart was just being toyed last year. Alias aku jatuh cinta sejatuh-jatuhnya sama orang, mengenal istilah situationship, sempat berekspektasi sangat tinggi dan (emang) hampir jadi (gimana ya coba dibayangkan kalo udah single 7 tahun dan akhirnya jatuh cinta lagi sampe ada butterfly in my stomach itu artinya LUAR BIASA).... sampai akhirnya patah hati sepatah-patahnya karena we were just built to fall apart.

Pas dirasain rasanya emang sedih banget. Late May-June I was fleeting, my heart was numb, I didn't touch the ground. Patah hati itu nggak enak dan nggak akan pernah enak, sesiap apapun kita sama perasaan itu. I wish I wouldn't have to experience that feeling again, but unexpectedly, patah hati kemarin ternyata aku lebih mudah untuk berdamai dengan kenyataan. Setelah mencoba menelaah ke dalam diri, aku datang dengan dua kesimpulan. Partly adalah karena aku sangat aware dengan emosi dan keberhargaanku sekarang (compared to my previous heartbreaks dimana aku masih anak bau bawang yang self- awarenessnya masih rendah) sehingga aku lebih mudah mengidentifikasi perasaan dan act upon it. Tetapi mostly I think karena..... COWONYA AJA YANG KURENGGGGG. This might sound so self-entitled. Yes I have scars of my own that got him triggered... but I can't keep self-sabotaging myself on the wrongdoings I might have made that he left.

It was never my fault. There is nothing wrong with how much I love another person, how much I care, and how my affection would perform to show my love and care for them. I'd cross the sea for the people I love is a fact and them fearing this pure and genuine love to backfire and isolate them from their freedom... would be their loss and not mine. He left not because I was lacking something, he left because he was lacking something.

He lacks the courage to commit.

I hope I slap him right in the face (if he'd read). This is the only piece he'd need to know. You can roam around the whole wide world looking for the missing puzzle but you'd never get your puzzle complete and beautiful-looking if you prefer not to put yours in the table for you to see clearly. I don't hate him for being so. In the world of boys, only small portion of boys turns to gentlemen. I hate him for leaving after giving high hopes. I hate him for caring if he didn't mean to stay for long. I hate him for making me feel like I lack something when in reality, he's the one lacking something.

To say it bluntly, I hate guys who aren't ready. They think they know what they want so they left/they expected us women to comply to their bar.... They actually don't. They don't know what they want but they pretend like they do and IT SUCKS.

So when Mamuy told me "Aku berdoa sama Allah semoga X bisa ngelihat aku 10x lebih baik dari mantannya" I was raged. I WAS MAD AND FURIOUS.

1. Sahabatku, yang sangat berharga dan kusayang dan kutau kualitasnya, harus berdoa agar supaya laki-laki yang dia sayangi bisa melihat keberhargaannya lebih daripada mantannya? Laki-laki macam apa yang sampe harus didoakan dengan khusyuk agar bisa melihat kualitas temenku yang ini??? Like.... she must not beg for his attention...??? Why must she???
2. Kenapa... kenapa sampe Mamuy bisa berdoa agar dia bisa dilihat lebih baik dari MANTANNYA X dan bukannya lebih baik dari dirinya sendiri di masa lalu? Aku sedih... sedih banget. She is great at being her and her own self and she would not need other girl as comparison to make her feel better. She is valued for who she is, not how worthy she is compared to other girls, especially his ex.
3. Dan terakhir, yang paling bother me a lot: Bisa-bisanya dia bilang Mamuy belum siap ke jenjang yang lebih serius kalau sebenernya DIA yang nggak siap berkomitmen dan konsekuen atas komitmennya? To take all the good and bad consequences together with her and work on that together??? I mean sampe Mamuy harus doa begitu BUKAN karena Mamuy is bad as a person tapi karena X-nya yang gak siap dengan konsekuensi dari komitmennya?

Huf.... kemarin aku bener-bener marah sih. Mamuy sampe nangis tapi aku nggak peduli, I want her to realize her worth. Dia ga perlu bandingin sama mantannya untuk memvalidasi keberhargaan dirinya. Gak perlu sampe berdoa agar cowonya bisa melihat kualitas baik dirinya karena what's the point of mendoakan begitu kalo cowonya yg BUTA??? Love must be pure and effortless and tidak memaksakan....

I hope society can teach our boys better. To take responsibilities. To own their decisions. To know themselves and what they want so their ego won't soar too high to be able to admit his own fears and realize his precious girl's genuine love is sealed with a heart right in front of their eyes. Semoga...