Last Friday marks a week since my latest big heartbreak. No, not to the guy I mentioned on my last January post nor June last year post. It's the guy I just met a month ago.... in Himalaya. If this was a movie, this would make a great opening line. But I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending. We parted ways, after what seems to be one of the most wondrous, heartwarming, wholesome trip and unexpectedly, one and only affair, I've ever had in my life. Month of butterflies, playful laughs, exchanged sights, innocent pats on the back, and sweet nothings. Ah the joy of being in love again.
It was Friday. He picked me up at 5 and we drove to the mall. The reckless me left my apartment key upstairs so I needed to walk up to the 29th floor all over again in which he said "Kebiasaan..". By now I learn that he loves pastries and coffee, it made sense when he said he wanted to eat one famous pastry shop he'd been eyeing on here. Last time I grabbed proper pastries was one down in Kathmandu, with him. He is such a sweet tooth apparently. Now that I think about it through, it wasn't even a month since we both first met, but all these little details we learned about each other?
So we walked... and walked... and window-shopped till I've forgotten all their names, 'cause honestly speaking... I was preparing myself for the worst that night. Later I learned he did too. We met two times after the Himalaya scenes, one in Jakarta where I came to visit him, and then that he thought he owed me something, he paid the visit to my place. Both were... fun. Except the latter where we had rather difficult convo. But fun, still (!). Nights that I enjoy being in the company of someone else's. Basically a stranger I've grown my heart into. I caught him looking at me several times, in which I tried not get myself too awkward and managed my heart to NOT fall too deep. But I think I failed. I've fallen already. I still can't look him in the eye. From the first day we met at Tribuvan airport, to sharing the same car to the hotel, to very short convo here and there prior to Pokhara trip, it wasn't until several days later that I paid a generous look to this guy and thought that I might use the last spare in my heart to take the chance and fall for someone again. And so we hiked. For 6-days straight. And for the following days and nights that flew in a blink of an eye. 24x7 times that he would walk in front/behind/beside me for two weeks, with some deep talks, quick convo, and perky jokes in between.
Time is a unique confusing concept of relativity. Two weeks is such a short period of time - but in this case, long enough for me to decide that... I like this guy. And in the following 2 weeks that we kept in touch, the "like" might have grown into "love". A word I have always avoided for the pain that comes with it.
I'm a hopeless romantic. Them gestures that he showed me just brought up that little soft heart of mine... unexpectedly. As Rihanna said that you'll find love in the hopeless place, we might as well find love when we least expect it. Like, Annapurna. I think this was one time that I realize the last time I let someone see this vulnerable part of mine was.... too long ago already (that I forgot when). So I let him take a good care of me - while I was cold-shivering, sick, asleep, rained on, and ran out of rupee. Apparently Bethari is not the independent woman anymore, and she was totally OKAY with that. I guess there is always that one moment that you just let those masks went away cause you feel safe and protected. And that was the time.
Maybe I took it too seriously and he took it very casually... but it is what it is.
So the next 2-3 weeks we kept on talking. Sharing our day, our life, our work, our friends... that I become familiar with his things. He would do yoga on Monday, and basketball on Wednesday and Friday. And he would ask me which circle I'm going bukber with that day, the more that I went out, the more I let him know my friends, my life before him. Are we becoming each other's part of life that time onwards? We may.
So later in the night we talked. Over the lake, over the moonshine. After the cinnamon roll & croissant hour when we shared the table for an iftar date, then grocery date, then the "difficult talk" date. But....was it even a date if somebody's in the game taken already?
So later in the night we talked. How he fell for me, and how I fell for him. How he made me feel, and how I made him feel. How this relationship might bloom or...die. And it was the latter, for both of us. So the date night became the closure night. I cried and he held my back. Apparently I am now the augustine girl who canceled the plan just in case he'd call singing "you weren't mine to lose" from the top of her lungs. Thinking how stupid I was for letting my heart fall and break again, like it never for once did.
I thought time was taking its sweet time erasing him. Turned out.... it wasn't. I checked up on him several times a day and a dear friend noticed how my eyes lighted up when I talked about the affairs. She said "Beth, for once... Kamu mau coba dengerin hatimu daripada kata orang nggak perihal cinta?"
So I did. And I'm happy I did.
We met again yesterday. It was Sunday. Happy, happy Sunday. His name finally popped up again on my screen. That smile. Those eyes (that I can never look back more than 5 seconds otherwise I'd fall). I play the scenes countless times in my brain today. When you're in love your brain is occupied with the trivial things about them, like how he loves doing his hair up with the pomade than the kid-like bangs style that you prefer (it's because of the impression he said, understandable). Like the way he takes notes of your random facts so he won't forget. Like the way you take candid picture & videos of him as smooth as possible so he won't notice....
I thought I would never believe in love and experience butterflies in my stomach again. But apparently, with a guy that I just met 1.5 month ago I did. Wholeheartedly. He asked to keep my expectation low 'cause we don't know what the future holds. Well nobody knows... But maybe it's time to let my guard down. I know how painful it'll be if our ship sinks... but I'll venture to this gambling game, convincing myself that even if this doesn't work out, the happiness and joy of today will be worth the pain. Sometimes you gotta give your biggest bet to something you believe is beautiful. So I'm taking it it slow and steady. Let's not rush something we want to last forever, dear self?
Wherever this leads to, I'm glad we crossed paths. I hope you are too.
Falling in love is damn one vulnerable thing to do. It's giving him a loaded gun pointed at my heart trusting him not to pull the trigger. And here I am giving it another chance to hurt me ever again.
Here, take the gun. Take it, I'd love him to.
PS: Crazy how I relate to more Taylor Swift and Niki's breakup (and affair) songs this time - hence all the puns.
