Sebuah Update dari #BethariInginMoveOn.

Ini adalah sebuah update yang menyedihkan (versiku).

Adalah
Bahwa
Tadi malam
Aku
Mimpi
Hampir

B a l i k a n

Sama
Nabil

Oalah Gustiiiii, kenapa susah sekali usahaku untuk move on ini harus diuji.
Intinya yang bener2 tak inget dari mimpi semalem adalah....

Aku sama Nabil duduk di sofa di sebuah rumah (gatau ini rumah siapa). Ada anak2 mesin beberapa ngecakin. Tapi (nggak kayak selayaknya Nabil), Nabil kali ini diem aja, malah bales senyum dan MALAH NGAJAK NGOMONG, bukan menghindar. Wow. Kenapa di mimpi yak dia gitu, kenapa gak dari dulu jaman pacaran yegak #hanyaberandai.

Terus

(Ya Allah nginget ini bikin nyes)

Setelah ngobrol siki2 (w lupa ngobrol apa).
Nabil bilang dia ngantuk.
Dan
Minta Ijin
NYENDER
Di Pundak Gue
!!!!!!


TOLONG INI MIMPI JENIS APAAAAAA.
Ya jelas w ga sanggup lah buset menolak itu huhu. HATI W MASI SELEMBUT KAPAS KALO MASALAH SENDER2AN MAH HUHU.....

Intinya aku.....memperbolehkan dia nyender di pundak w......
Ya Allah rasanya nyes (alias seneng bgt gila di mimpi) padahal ada temen2nya Nabil gitu huhu trs Nabil biasa aja dan lama nyendernya huhu. Sumpah sumpah w kayanya senyum2 doang di sisa mimpi itu sampe kebangun.... endingnya mimpi ga ada sih ya cuma itu aja.....hehe

Yah intinya w tidak tau artinya mimpi ini apa karrna w bukan ahli tafsir mimpi juga tapi....entah.
Aku masih secara rutin berdoa jodoh kok di sholat. Kadang masih (menyempatkan) menyebutkan Nabil juga di doanya, hehe. Berterima kasih atas pengalaman bersama Nabil yang bisa dijadikan pelajaran ke depannya, mendoakan dia semoga dimudahkan urusannya dalam apapun, dan jikalau kami berjodoh maka kiranya Allah memberikan jalan. Kalo engga, kiranya Allah memberikan jodoh bagi masing-masing kami yang bisa membuat kami lebih baik dan di waktu yang tepat. Intinya begitu hehehe.

Ngomongin cinta, jodoh, pacar, mantan...nggak ada habisnya. Sebelum w ngga tidur karena besok harus bangun pagi karena mau ngerjain bisplan di Jakarta (yes besok eksplor!), mari kita akhiri curhat tengah malam ini.

Goodnight blog, goodnight all.

#BethariInginMoveOn.

Hore good news! Apa tuh?

Hehe sebener-benernya nggak penting karena (sekali lagi) tentang cinta-cintaan. Plis bear with me ya blog, aku tuh pengen jadiin blog ini tuh sebagai diary segala hal gak cuma cinta-cintaan tapi serius dah susah bgt ew. Karna cinta-cintaan tuh kayak nggak semua orang mengerti dan peduli gitu loh sm kisah cinta w, jadinya aku curhatnya kesini aja hehe bodoamat ada/gada yg baca yg penting aku ga gila gegara cinta (ew kuadrat).

JADI
GOOD NEWS-NYA
ADALAH

Bethari berhasil hide instagram story-nya dari Nabil selama lebih dari seminggu!

OMG INI TERGAPENTING.
TAPI INI PRESTASI BROHHHH YEAYYY, LIKE....FINALLY!

Jadi udah lebih seminggu ini aku tuh udah berhasil meng-hide story-ku dari Nabil dan berhasil nggak mengotak-atik (alias meng-unhide lagi) sampe hari ini. Such an achievement prokprokprok!!! Dulu tuh kayak susahh bgt ngehide, bawaannya pgn unhide mulu Soalnya apaya, kadang w bikin story kalo lg bahagia tuh pgn Nabil lihat dan NIH LIAT NIH W BAHAGIA TANPA LO atau kalo lagi galau tuh pgn Nabil lihat dan ngerasa BETHARI SYG BGT SM GUA KNP GUA SIA-SIAIN YA (tapi ini most likely wont happen in 1 million years juga sih lol) gitu. Iya, w kadang tuh suka galau2 sendiri dah kalo ngelihat Nabil ngelihat story w. Padahal juga yauda gitu ngelihat doang, just like other 500 viewers gitu (ceritanya sombong --ancol, followers dikit jg ngapain sombong yak wkwk maap panjat sosial buibuk). Begituh.

Plis jangan sangka perjalanan ini mudah. Setiap w merasa ngestory lagi cantik tuh pengen rasanya meng-unhide biar Nabil menyesal w makin keren dan badai (ini serius) setelah dia putusin. Udah mikir, hmmm w cantik sih di foto story ini tapi pake softlens dan Nabil gasuka w pake softlens jadi dia gabakal bilang w cantik jg...hmm tapi w cantik intinya Nabil harus tau...tapi... tapi tapi terus banyak lah pertimbangan sampai akhirnya w merasa OKEH BETH STOP. MAU LU CANTIK APA KAGAK BUKAN URUSAN NABIL. NABIL GA AKAN MINTA BALIKAN JG KALO LU CANTIK DI STORY. NABIL JG GA AKAN PEDULI KALO LU JELEK DI STORY. DAN INTINYA LU JG NGAPAIN GITU PEDULI APA KATA NABIL DI STORY. Dan akhirnya yes, w berhasil menahan keinginan meng-unhide.

Trs beberapa minggu lalu Bogik sempet bilang gt katanya Nabil bilang 'Bethari tuh ngeblock gua apa gmn sih di instagram. Waktu itu gua sempet mute dia tp udah gua unmute dia gapernah muncul lagi'. Well, bagus lah lu ngerasa. Emang bener sih, if you want people's attention, stop giving something you constantly give them. Biar kerasa bedanya. Udah intinya w (berusaha) ga peduli lagi dengan segala hal berbau Nabil. Enough oke enough. I need to move on.

Sumpah ini adalah cerita nggak penting di jaman millenial. Bagaimana media sosial bisa menggiring opini kita. Oh hell. Gabisa bayangin orang jaman dulu kalo pacaran kayanya gada berantem karna hal2 kecil gegara sosmed gini gak sih....so much peace. Semoga ini bertahan hingga.....waktu yang tak dapat ditentukan ya. Alias..... ketika aku bisa melihat kamu dan semua terasa.....baik-baik saja (iya karena kalo sekarang masih belum baik-baik saja heu).

Kayak katanya quotes2 yang intinya: letting go itu bukan sekedar goofing around saying you're gonna move on, it's all about looking at them in the eyes and finally say you don't want them any longer.

I'm going there, soon. Very soon.

This Slow, Painful Way.

Nabil aku pengen benci kamu tapi nggak bisa.....
Semua orang tuh bilang 'Nabil tuh jahat kenapa masi klepek2 dah' atau 'Kenapa jadi galau Nabil lagi sih' atau 'Mending lupain Nabil' dan lain lain yang intinya aku disuruh melupakan.

TAPI GIMANA.
GIMANA CARANYA. KASI TAU AKU GIMANA.

Aku ini mulai..............lelah. Kenapa bethari bisa sangat goblik. Kenapa masih berharap. Kenapa nggak bisa biasa aja. Dan sampai kapan. Sampai kapan aku akan pengen-ketemu-tapi-sok2an-gamau-ketemu kayak gini. Kapan ya tuhan.

Don't say I'm not trying.

1) I hide my stories in instagram at times. Tau kenapa? Aku suka nggak sanggup kalo liat dia di daftar orang yang melihat kehidupanku. Freak ya? Iya. Bethari emang freak masalah cinta. Tau rasanya? |*deep sigh* Nyesek....... Banget...... Karna kamu ingin dia melihat kehidupan kamu bukan lewat instagram, tapi di sampingmu. Di sampingmu, and it's a whole different thing.
2) I block his line contact several times. Why? Cos I fucking want to stop my self from being curious about how he's up to at the moment. I fucking want but I fucking cant. And you say I dont try?I tried but I couldn't.

But nothing worked.

Well here's to admit that I don't get that much butterflies on my stomach the moment I see him. I don't think of him all day all night like I used to. But does that mean that the feeling just...disappear? Cos when you love someone and you break up, where does the love go? You make up your mind that it disappears. Oh baby no. No. You force yourself to think it does when it doesn't. You force yourself not to get used of that. That's what happens. But reality....is the feeling still there? Yes baby, the answer is yes.

So here's to admit as well.....that I DO STILL WANT HIM. I DO STILL LOVE HIM. Even after all this time, even after all this thing. Aku nggak tahu apakah ini akibat that first puppy love whatsoever, but here's I'm speaking truth. I thought it was one...but turns out ketika Bogik bilang kalo Nabil abis disakiti cewek pun aku juga sedih karena how could they be so rude to him...... aku tau ini bukan first puppy love you all assume.

Call me cray. I am. I am a desperate craze.

Gosh.... how.
 How to stop visualizing the image of what could have happened if we tried harder.

Do I simply have to let go? Do I have to cling on this for this could be a sign? Do I have to give him letter for the sake of telling him how much he'd consumed me, or do I have to tell him, in front of his face, how hurtful he's been for leaving me and never coming back?

Freak choices eh?
Once again, Bethari is crazy so please, keep that in mind.


Nabil, I hate you.

Most Days.... I Don't Recognize Me.

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless, just enough
Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up
When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck
And be scared of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone, but used to be mine
Used to be mine

She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

A beautiful piece of Sara Bareilles

N.

I saw you again today
The first time since
Five, six months...?

In white
I saw you again in white today
Not my favorite color
But becomes one when you wear it

I saw you again today
Unexpectedly, coincidentally
Were you happy?

Cause I was
Like I've always been
Like I'll always be