2018: A Year In a Nutshell.

Give it up to..... my mandatory 2018 reflection posts!

YEAY! Hello everyone, how's your new year been going? Hope everything is fine, everything is well. Yesterday's feeling was messed, let's bring it back the positive vibes!

To open (hopeful it'd be) a wonderful year, frankly speaking with this weird feeling, I plan to do a recap with some of the best and worst highlights from 2018.

        1) Worst to remind me how blessed I have been all this time.

        2) Best to motivate me to make 2019 as cool as 2018.

So to sum up last year aka 2018, one word that best represents it would be.....

OUT OF THIS WORLD!

(and that is not even one word!)

Just like what I've posted in instagram exactly 7 days ago, I wouldn't say that this is my best year ever in my life, EVEN WHEN IT IS, because I truly believe that each year has its own stories and struggles worth remembering, but I can't help. This year truly IS my year. Tahun yang benar-benar mengajarkanku bahwa kekuatan mimpi benar adanya. Banyak turunnya, lebih banyak naiknya!

(thought I'm gonna make it an English-written post but... the excitement's too loud. bilingual way won't hurt anybody I guess)

Mendeskripsikan tahun ini tuh susah banget karena banyak banget yang dipelajarin tahun ini. I'm not saying bahwa tahun-tahun sebelumnya nggak memberikan banyak pelajaran, it's just...2018 is somewhat beyond my expectation in every aspect, bahkan yang sedih-sedih juga dibalas berkali lipat indahnya. I was overwhelmed with what God has done in every step of the way, every action, every single breath. Selalu ada sesuatu yang ditunggu di setiap bulannya, mulai dari yang memang sudah direncanakan sampe kejutan-kejutan diluar akal sehat, tapi Allah selalu kasih yang lebih dari yang sudah direncanakan. Jadi aku yakin ini hasil tangan Allah karena akal manusia nggak bisa bikin memproses hal-hal ini. Truly defines my kind of "a million dreams are keeping me awake" karena segala yang aku lakukan tahun ini benar-benar berangkat dari hati. Mengerjakannya sangat lelah dan capek, tapi semuanya aku lakukan dengan cinta sehingga segalanya terasa rewarding, regardless hasilnya baik atau buruk.

Tahun 2018 seperti titik kulminasi.

Segala yang aku perjuangkan selama ini, terlebih selama empat tahun kuliah, terbayar lunas dengan sangat indah dan ditutup dengan sangat manis. Rasa-rasanya Allah memang nggak pernah salah mencanangkan waktu yang terbaik untuk setiap rencana hamba-Nya. Banyak hal yang aku minta sejak SD, SMP, SMA, bahkan hal-hal yang dulu sempat ada di daftar 100 Dreams yang aku tempel di kosan Eyang (dan sekarang udah dibuang waktu pindahan ke kosan Cisitu) yang ditulis dengan penuh keraguan ternyata didengar dan diwujudkan. Dan sekarang, jadi yakin banget dengan "kalau niat kita baik, nanti Allah yang bantu menyelesaikan". Karena aku mengalami sendiri, banyak hal yang aku tuntut tapi nggak tercapai sampai dulu aku marah sama Allah why does my life have to be like this? Why are my friends' lives so happy and comfort while mine was like a mess all around?! Now I can totally connect the dots. Not all figured out, but I am uncovering more and more of my life's greatest questions every single day.

Mulai dari best feeling berasa di atas awan sampe worst diinjak-injak aku rasakan di tahun ini. Semuanya memberikan pelajaran! Yang best dimulai dengan IECOM, bikin Develop Dolly, akhirnya menginjak Indonesia Timur dan melihat pendidikan disana, nangis dapet kabar PPAN setelah twist, keluar negeri pertama kali, menyentuh Taj Mahal (never in a million years I thought it's gonna happen this soon!), senangnya lihat temen lulus di Wisuda Juli, leganya sidang, ketemu Mr. Brian di Asian Paragames, merasakan cinta yang luar biasa waktu wisuda, keluar negeri lagi kedua kalinya demi MotoGP (bahkan di awal tahun pengen keluar negeri sekali aja udah seneng banget, ini Allah kasih dua-duanya dan sama-sama gratis, baik banget yah Allah), sampe akhirnya memulai kehidupan kerja di perusahaan multinasional yang membuat aku belajar banyak tentang passion-ku di marketing, Kantar Millward Brown.
Yang worst, juga banyak kok. Tenang! Mulai dari anxiety di awal tahun harus ngumpulin duit buat Dolly (se-anxious itu btw rasanya!), missing out nggak ikut kulker (kuliah kerja) karena harus ngerjain Develop Dolly, pindah dari kosan Eyang setelah 3,5 tahun, sampe heartbreaking news tanggal 1 April 2018: "Bethari kamu belum berhasil jadi perwakilan Jatim di PPAN 2018. Tapi kamu Cadangan 1 kok, selamat ya. Semoga hasilnya yang terbaik." Hehe nggak papa mbak udah biasa ditolak kok :)
Lalu setelah itu mulai insecure-insecure TA sampe sering banget di rumah tapi tidur jam 3-4 pagi karena kepikiran TA yang belum mulai, detox media sosial dua bulan sambil kerja rodi tugas akhir dari jam 7 pagi sampe 1 malem (TIAP HARINYA), sampe nangis-nangis nggak karuan di Asian Paragames dengan segala dramanya (I literally cried in front of Mr. Brian 3 hari berturut-turut karena beban yang sangat luar biasa, oh how I miss him), kegalauan memilih karir pertama, sampai akhirnya beneran meninggalkan Bandung dan segala memorinya. Kalo dipikir-pikir tahun ini emang bener-bener overwhelming sih! Happy and sad at the same time, atau kalaupun engga, perasaan dibolak-balikkan hanya dalam sekejap. Beneran rollercoaster ride yang berjalan secepat kecepatan cahaya (alay tapi rasanya beneran gitu). Tapi tetep, banyak yang bisa dan HARUS disyukuri di setiap perjalanannya karena membuat aku belajar banyak banget. Alhamdulillah.

Di 2018 aku membuktikan ke diriku, dan ke banyak orang yang pernah/sedang mengalami fase diriku dulu (doubting theirselves and doubting God's work) bahwa KEKUATAN MIMPI ITU BENAR ADANYA. Allah itu nggak pernah tidur, He never did and never will.

No dreams will ever be too much for those willing to work their asses off.

And if you think you have worked so hard but He never granted even one, you just need to keep working on it, keep believing it and someday it will all be justified. Whether it's just you who don't work hard enough, or simply because it wasn't meant for you and you are destined for something else GREATER and/or more SUITABLE for you in the end.

Listing down all the highlights here would make this the longest post ever so I think I'm gonna do the recap in the upcoming one. Half is ready, just a little more time to complete, along with the linkage to my other corresponding post, be it in the past or the future (if it's ready, ofc) to help me reminisce the moment and connect the dots.

Plus a bonus foto of my 2018 resolution.

Unfiltered, stroked here and there. Some changed plans and desperate wishes written out of curiosity. In the end, these wildest thoughts are those that keep me going to make the life I've always wanted.

Don't call it dreams. Call it plans.

If you talk about it, it's a dream.

If you envision it, it's possible.

But if you schedule it, It's real.

Midnight Mellow.

Sejujurnya udah lama banget nggak ngerasain insecure. I thought I've dealt with everything.

Turns out...no.

I am sorry for starting 2019 posts real bad with this kind of post but tonight has been hard, really.

I just got texts from my friend who aced McKinsey PST, now heading to Interview. I am happy for her/him (you guess). But that also equals to I am sad with myself. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I failed at McKinsey PST and need to wait 2 years for the next test. I know I didn't prepare it properly but still, if she/he can, WHY CAN'T I? WHY GOD WHY?

I never knew if I really wanted McKinsey in the first place, but just thinking of working there gets me butterflies, and that butterfly feeling means.... another dream to be unlocked. I still want to build my own foundation too, but who says I can't do it hand-in-hand? To be brutally honest, I don't know if it's just me feeling envy with her/him whose life already perfect they don't need anymore nice thing (which I shouldn't be feeling, I know...) or is it just me slowly (and secretly) wanting McKinsey as my dream company it just hurts to know someone else is paving their way there and I was rejected. I just feel like I really am an ugly stupid wreck cos I don't get the dreams I wanted and she/he got everything I've always wanted.

Been so long since the last time I felt kinda....missing out, ignored. I am loving my worklife at my current company, everyone's been welcoming even if I still don't get the decent load I deserve (considering I love working and a small amount of work got me feel useless), but when it comes to a company everyone is dying to work for........

God's answers would be in 3 ways:

1. Yes
2. Yes, but later.
3. I have bigger plans.

If He could talk, the answer to my prayer definitely is NOT a Yes for now.

It could be Yes, but later or I have bigger plans.

I still have my life unravelled.

A later yes or a bigger plan, aku tau Tuhan selalu menyertaiku dan menyelesaikan niat baikku.

But still....I want to work at McKinsey too.

Allah...Please?

Kissing 2018 Goodbye.

2018.

OH WHAT A YEAR!

Ok this is not gonna be a mandatory recap post about how a year has been. I'm planning to do it real soon btw! This one I promise (I break lots promises about how I'm gonna write more. Such trash talks, Beth. Sorry readers... It's just...I just don't feel like writing long posts, I don't know why but I've made the list!).

So in a nutshell, this year has been AMAZING. And when I say amazing, this one means TOTALLY AMAZING.

INCREDIBLE. TERRIFIC. INDESCRIBABLY...INDESCREBABLE!

I'm telling you.

But to make it crystal clear, give me moderate time to sum up this year properly in a long beautiful note. I'll make this one a masterpiece. Ok I'm lying. I'm trying my best to do justice about how this year has made me feel. I love 2018 so much you know!!! And yes, this post is intended to fill in the gap so that it looks like I write a minimum one post each month. Well, gotta make this one a resolution for next year then :))

So, thank you for joining me through the journey, my dear blog. You've been such a good friend since.....2012! 7 years down, my longest relationship ever with an individual stuff. Love you, love this. Thank you for being such a safe place, a shelter.

And to close this,

I hope a better everything for everyone in the upcoming year.

I am having a new life here in Jakarta, everything seems so clear yet so blurry. One time my friend asked me,

"What word to associate your 2019 resolutions with?"

I took lotsa time to think, then came up with the word....

"Fire."
"Because we are........adulting, we face the working life, the real world. We have those dreams, but reality will sooner/later hit us hard. Hard enough to think that maybe settling down and keep slaving away is the best way and those idealistic picture perfect dreams of ours soon be gone. I don't want to make my 2019 be like that. I want to keep my dreams burning and so then I need fire."

So for the coming year, please be as, if not more, joyful and unpredictable as 2018. Please.

Let me sing "a million dreams are keeping awake" outloud to my bones as much time as I can.

Selamat tahun baru.

Selamat membuat resolusi dan mewujudkan mimpi kembali.

Rejeki yang Datang dan Pergi.

Sejujurnya agak sebel sama diri sendiri kenapa nulis kalo lagi sedih atau down aja. Padahal kebahagiaan seharusnya juga harus diabadikan kan? Mungkin menulis memang salah satu cara menyalurkan kesedihan paling ampuh bagiku, mungkin tidak untuk semua orang.

Setelah berkelana di Jakarta beberapa hari terakhir, keluar masuk gedung-gedung tinggi....ah intinya hari ini mixed feeling. Dapat kabar bahagia (besok offering Kantar) tapi juga kabar sedih (ga lolos online assessment P&G). Suka mikir sih, apakah kepribadian w seaneh itu sehingga setiap (setiap) kali online test bahkan yang isinya kepribadian atau culture fit itu selalu nggak lolos, terutama FMCG. Mulai Danone, sekarang P&G. Jujur yang sekarang agak nge-down sih karena I really want P&G so bad karena udah ketolak UFLP. Tapi ya gimana, sekarang sedang berusaha meyakinkan diri sendiri kalau rejeki itu nggak akan tertukar dan pas sesuai takaran usaha dan doa tiap orang.

Jadi intropeksi lagi sih, sebenernya apa yang aku cari? Dari kerja di P&G sampe Unilever? Cari gaji? Atau ilmu? Atau prestise aja? Intinya, kalau niatnya nggak baik nggak dimudahkan. Simpel.

Jadi? Mungkin niatku memang nggak baik sih dari awal. Aku mungkin harus digembleng lagi.

Once you graduate, you start from the very bottom again. Post power syndrome...emang ada. Nih aku contohnya. Setelah ngerasain dua tahun kayak seakan gampang aja ikut ABC tiba-tiba lolos, ya sekarang saatnya belajar lagi. Ditolak-tolak dulu, dikejar-kejar kemudian (aamiin). Namanya roda nggak selalu di atas.

Pembelajaran utama lagi hari ini adalah:
rejeki itu datang dari arah yang nggak disangka-sangka.

I literally just knew this company named Kantar Millward Brown 2 weeks ago when volunteering for Kapten Kecil. Bos kapten kecil ini namanya Kang Iman, yang ngajak Sabe, lalu ngajak aku. Sekarang kerja di LPIK sedangkan dulu di Kantar MB ini (bahkan waktu kasi tau nama perusahaannya aku masih yang "apa brown? Qatar? --> w kira sejenis Qatar Airways gitu kan ya beb).

Eh malem Rabunya daftar.
Jumat janjian interview HR.
Selasa minggu lalu interview HR.
Rabu janjian interview Director & Manager.
Jumat interview Director & Manager.
Sabtu janjian case presentation.
Rabu hari ini case presentation.
Besok, reference check.
Lalu offering.

Dalam kurang dari 2 minggu.

Kalau Allah sudah berencana, if it's yours, never in million years will it be for anybody else.

Jadi kayaknya Kantar MB memang jalanku yang Dia persiapkan agar aku belajar. Mungkin agak melenceng dari apa yang aku harapkan atau rencanakan di awal, tapi kalau akhirnya baik pasti dimudahkan. Dan, namanya manusia pasti nggak pernah puas. Kalau ngejar angka, pasti akan cari yang lebih besar dan lebih besar lagi. Jadi emang ini waktunya banyak-banyak bersyukur biar selalu sadar kalo Tuhan itu udah baik banget sama aku.

Mungkin baiknya saat ini dinikmati saja, tanpa tanya mengapa.

Karena Tuhan pasti sudah siapkan jawabannya di saat yang tepat,

dengan cara paling indah.

Semoga yang terbaik!!

PS: jadi orang baik dan kaya itu sulit beb, perjuangannya banyak.

I Survived Another Year.

Happy birthday, me.

Welcome to 22, dear self.

(clap clap)

I'm right at the point where birthdays just feel like any other days. Not something to be celebrated, rather something to be blessed for silently (for surviving days to months to years). Alhamdulillah.

I somewhat hate birthdays, actually.
Because it reminds me that my time is somehow running out while I was busy tryna get my life into place. But on the bright side, this is the only time (beside graduation, which happens so rarely in my life) I get to receive outpouring kind wishes which reminds me of how much love I've been surrounded all this time.

So bottom line: as much as I hate birthdays, I love birthdays!
Moreover, I love the people who made any birthdays wonderful because of their beautiful words.
You are the best souls.

My dear friends, I hope I made you feel good about yourself as much as you did.
I hope you remember me making you happy.

Semoga aku teman yang baik untuk kalian juga, dan jika tidak, tolong ingatkan ya.