I will hear the bird sing...

There will be late nights and early mornings

and entire days where you feel like your efforts are not enough.
There will be days where you cross through the northern part of 
Tennessee into Louisville and your throat locks up
and you will be reminded of all that was lost,
and how “reminders” just aren’t enough.

There will be days where you long for things
to be ordinary again and then,
there will be days where you realize…

nothing was ever really ordinary at all.

Everything was always complicated and messy
and we were always living with the tension of
how far we have come and also,
how much further we have to go.

You will learn to live with the reality of both
the cross and the lynching tree
(“oh how they fight for love and freedom
but would they ever fight for me?”)

And you will learn to try to keep
your heart set on hope,
in the belly of never-ending grief,
and some glad morning
you will hear a bird sing.
A caged bird, but nevertheless,
you will hear her sing. 

You will grow tired.
You will grow weary.
But somewhere in the late night
or early morning,
your body will fall asleep.
You will continue to pray for rest.
Healing. Peace.

Oh, how far we have come.
Oh, how much further we have to go.
Oh, how we learn to live with the tension
of all we do and do not know. 

May this be the place
where we tune in
to the way heartbeats, whether heavily or softly,
may we continue this journey
until all
are free.

by MHN on my daily newsletter.

Flee.

1. I hate my family.
2. I hate my family.
3. I hate my family.

They're so problematic I can't help but to hate them. My biggest wish is just to never exist in this world. Can't wait for the day I get rich myself, buy a house and forever closing the door to those who've hurt me even those the closest. Can never relate to the idea where family is their first. In mine, they're easily the last priority. The worst. Can never think the other way around. I wish they would just vanish, as much as I wish I would too. I hate having this "mandatory" reciprocal feeling to give back what they gave. The hell, I didn't even want to be IN THIS after all. I mean, why would I?

Family love is an illusion, let alone romantic love. Love, basically, is fucked up. My idea of it is so broken & distorted. I am the safest myself and will always be. Would never get everyone in and let them break me again.

I just wish I were a bird. In times like this, I would flee and never looked back.

The Trauma that Bonds Us.

 On Sunday we do fun thingssssss!

And here we are again at another day in February, the so-called month of love.

• How has it been doing so far? Fine. Just like another month~
• Has it been good? To say bad is understatement so yesss it's been good so far.
• Have I been receiving love more than usual? Ummmm not really.

BUT, I can feel the love. Of everyone around me. Just like every other month. And it means how much I love and am loved by them too, regardless seasons. For that and for them, I am grateful.

Hari ini berawal dengan rencana mengulangi kegilaan jaman SMA, tapi di Jember. Seperti biasa, pertemuan dengan para anggota SDC se-la-lu begitu :" (and I think that's why I love them too much too). Kata-kata yang tiba terlintas dan aku utarakan tadi tentang masa SMA dan masa SDC: "We never knew that we are making memories, we just knew that we are having fun." Indeed it was.

Nah, hari ini rencananya begitu. Pengen cover dance dan Tiktok...tapi berakhir cerita update kehidupan selama 2 jam, caw ke Hypermart, masak Spaghetti Brulee dan berakhir dengan cerita vulnerability masing-masing. This time: childhood trauma. Topik ini... dalam sekali untukku. And apparently... for them too. Seriously, people are deep waters. We really never knew the battle they have inside, so please please, be kind. If you could. You never know how much your words will scar others (this relates to Gama's story as well but probably will tell another time).

Long story short: I share my dark stories. Not all, of course. Given the fact that I am having this trust issues (or probably just how I am) and it's just hard for me to bare it all despite how extroverted I am, especially when it comes to my family. Talking about them always feel hurtful. Always, never not. But today I am sharing this... and turns out... everybody is sharing theirs too.

Ternyata Iqbal mengalami hal yang mirip denganku. Now I know that I am not alone. And that this love-hate feeling with my parents is valid. Dan ternyata... Icuk, yang selama ini aku pikir hidupnya enak dengan kehidupan keluarga yang sudah mapan dan segalanya terpenuhi pun.. punya luka keluarga. Now I know that everyone process family relationship differently. And that we really can't judge only from the outside. Selain itu, kita juga cerita-cerita tentang our hopes, dreams, life-changing moments... ah the convo was raw and beautiful.

Topik ini menjadi cukup dalam bagiku akhir-akhir ini karena... minggu lalu aku abis dengerin IG Live Loveground tentang bagaimana inner child kita bisa mempengaruhi relasi kita di masa sekarang. Selama dengerin, banyak bgt AHA moment yang bikin aku ngangguk setuju atau mikirin kenapa relate banget. That moment, aku jadi banyak reflect dan jadi bener-bener aware dan menyadari:

• Banyak banget hal atau keputusan yang aku ambil saat ini itu karena pengalaman tumbuh di masa kecil.
• I lost a potential relationship just yet last year and that bcs I was rushing that made him go away. This moment I know that as hard as I try... I still project my fear of being abandoned and left to my partner. And this can't happen any longer.
• Seberusaha atau koar-koarnya aku bilang kalau aku sudah membuka hati... ya aku mengakui bahwa aku MASIH sulit buka hati. I just forget how to love (naturally). I build my fence too high so people can't hurt me anymore (Gosh I've been hurt so much looking at my parents and from my former boyfriend so please no more....)

Jadi... dalam beberapa waktu ke depan aku sepertinya pengen benerin mental health-ku dulu. Untuk lebih sering ketemu inner child-ku, untuk mencoba deal dengan myself, untuk mencoba menyelesaikan unresolved trauma dulu. Karena ini nggak bisa berlanjut terus, aku takut nanti adanya aku attract orang yang salah karena my decision reflects my fear and not my hope. Aku gamau mengulang cycle yang salah. Aku nggak mau menghasilkan individu-individu tanpa rigid emotional support sepertiku di masa depan. So far, aku sudah baca e-book inner child healing dari Loveground, udah request kalau ada future group therapy (yang baru ada di akhir Maret sepertinya), dan udah nanya Adisya tentang terapis/psikiater yang fokus di inner child healing untuk konsultasi. Let's see how this healing journey will take me. Bismillah...

My companionship today while grocery shopping @Hypermart Lippo Jember

I need to deal with my own shit, before committing to someone else and share him a lifetime of my mess. I will get there safe and sound, future husband. I will. Let's take our time better-ing ourselves!

Thousand Funerals.

 

Bali yang Menyenangkan.

Menulis post ini di malam Senin karena mengingat-ngingat, beberapa malam Senin terakhir dihabiskan di tempat yang berbeda... alias... Bali. And now I am in Jember again.

Bukannya nggak seneng balik ke Jember lagi (seneng banget akhirnya ketemu my Bocilili), cuma sedih akhirnya meninggalkan Bali setelah (hampir) SEBULAN tinggal disana. Tinggal loh ya, bukan liburan!!! Wkwkwk perlu di-emphasize karena aku kerjaaaa kakak, working from home nama kerennya.

Jujur...rasanya SENENGGGG BANGET. VERY FULFULLING.

Seminggu di Ubud yang refreshing sama Hanun dan tiga minggu di Denpasar yang fun & adventurous sama Nyak. Ah, sayang banget dua2nya makasi udah ngajak aku bersenang2 menikmati hidup dan alam guys!!!

Jujur lagi, banyak banget loh sebenernya beberapa hal yang pengen aku lakukan di Bali seperti refleksi jurnal diri, dan lain-lain dan tidak terjadi tapi aku nggak sedih soalnya aku juga gain banyakkk BANGET pengalaman baru yang aku syukuri. Terutama karena ini pertama kalinya aku ke Bali tujuannya nggak solely liburan, tapi ya...kerja (harus disebut dua kali wkwkw). Jadi nggak ada itinerary khusus mau kemana, jam berapa harus ready, dll dll yang ribet bin capek itu. Tiap hari bener-bener dengerin kata hati. Eh pengen yang alam-alam deh, yauda naik gunung. Pengen sunsetan deh, yauda ke pantai. Pengen yang air, yauda ke air terjun. Pengen goler deh, yauda spa atau bahkan...tidur aja. Life is simple, kitanya yg susah WKWKW.

Akibatnya, banyak hal yang aku lakukan dan tempat yang aku datangi tuh bukan tempat touristy, jadi masih sepi (hmm atau ini efek pandemi) dan banyak hidden gem! Aku list ya beberapa tempat yang datangi dan semuanya akuuuu love bgt!!!

1. Sanur Beach - Sanur
2. Campuhan Ridge Walk - Ubud
3. The Yoga Barn - Ubud
4. Double Six Beach - Kuta
5. Balangan Beach - Jimbaran
6. Batu Bolong Beach - Canggu
7. Virgin Beach - Karangasem
8. Petitenget Beach - Petitenget
9. Bingin Beach - Jimbaran
10. Suluban Beach - Jimbaran
11. Banyuwana Amertha Waterfall - Buleleng
12. Buyan Lake - Buleleng

Nah lo.. banyak kan! Pada jarang denger kan! Wkwkw dan best part adalaaaaah bisa nyampe Karangasem & Buleleng yang 2-3 jam perjalanan gitu. Bener-bener definisi adventure!!! Ugh love semoga aku bisa menghabiskan waktu dengan orang2 yang suka adventure juga sepanjang hidupku karena rasanya very liberating!!!

Oleh karena itu, jika tidak malas aku mungkin akan ngepost beberapa foto disini biar memorinya tidak hilang plus karena foto2 di Bali bagus banget mulai dari sajen sampe sunset, dan ingin apresiasi setinggi-tingginya untuk Hanun yang udah ngajak impulsive trip ke Ubud dan Nyak atas the companionship & shelter for 3 weeks straight. AAAAAAAAAAA MAKASI YA ALLAH sudah ngasi aku teman2 yang baik dan menciptakan alam yang indah. Susah bener nih move-onnya kayaknya. Tapi dengan agenda Baby Care Q2 planning & update UFLP presentation minggu ini (dan semoga bs diundur mingdep aja yg UFLP hehew) energi untuk galau gabisa move onnya bisa tersalurkan untuk yg lain wae wkwkw. Huf... I hate leaving places, feelings, and moments... :(