In My Funeral.

Salah satu pertanyaan yang jawabannya sangat ingin aku tau adalah siapa yang akan datang ke pemakamanku.

Siapa yang akan berduka atas kepergianku. Siapa yang akan sedih ketika aku dikuburkan. Siapa yang akan menangis ketika menyadari bahwa aku tidak akan pernah lagi ada di kehidupan mereka.

I am nobody's favorite. Semua yang aku lakukan tidak pernah menimbulkan decak kagum banyak orang. Kehadiranku tidak pernah benar-benar ditunggu banyak orang. Dan ya, aku sepenuh ya sadar bahwa aku tidak sebegitu berartinya bagi banyak orang hingga mereka akan rela terbang ke Surabaya untuk mengantarkanku.

Sayangnya aku ini ya cuma aku, yang takut akan pelupaan, tapi tidak tau bagaimana caranya agar tidak dilupakan.

Baggage.

One of the hardest feeling during farewell is realizing that once a person gone, sometimes it's not only their presence which goes away, but the habit we brought up with them, and them only, as well. And isn't it heartbreangly heartbreaking?

***

I am a memory keeper. I freeze moments, I keep feelings, I remember dates and I do them all unintentionally, unconciously, It just happens and I am grateful for it, like I need no particular notes to write important dates down cause it's locked already in my brain. But sometimes, it does kill me.

The first days after parting ways, I am usually a total wreck and crying too much over the simplest things. Funny how much I realize, the strong Bethari I have always wanted everyone to see me as, is now crying over tiny bity stuffs, for example: a boy. But I was. What kept me, obviously, was my photographic memory. The world itself became an utter melancholy at sudden. Everywhere I go, they left the traces. Everything I do, the last time was with them. Things got worse because I got used to whatsoever things we did together and not anymore but life had to go on, regardless. I got healed but never forget. Yet somehow, it's wonderful tho to have something left behind.

I used to watch How I Met Your Mother, which turned out myself liking it, because someone introduced it to me and it became part of our topics to talk about. Then I stopped at Season 6 since we broke up and I thought why on earth I kept watching it nobody would pop out to my face talking about it anyway. Then I used to spare 3-4 hours every night since we both love stars, with jackets on cause we would probably just go strolling around the city and I was still the girl who lost the battle against the cold midnight weather. And not anymore because he left.
When I was in junior high I used to steal my sister's novels, read them in a rush, and put them back on the shelf secretly. Then my sis went to college out of town and I stopped doing that. I also have a thing with bear dolls, have one in my house call it 'Cemong'. It's my younger sis' actually but I love it just as much. We played almost every night and by playing I mean I talked to Cemong like it's alive and it could reply me (even it was actually me making silly voices). Then I went to Bandung and no more talking to Cemong (or basically any dolls) again ever since.


I mean, isn't it sad when you kinda 'generate' a signature thing with whatever stuff you're doing with your life then one day you just kinda....stop and pack everything up just because it is no longer like it used to be?

A Life Not Lived.

I had two days well-spent last week in Jogja with my ultimate best friend in high school, Caca. The second day, we went to Gembiraloka Zoo and I have to say, the zoo was pretty damn good and organized (compared to Surabaya and Bandung --as if I have visited the Bandung one, well but). There was once a moment we came across the beaver's pond.

I have always been a fan of a happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, unplanned, careless, carefree life. A series of 'you only live once, own it, make the most out of it' kinds of things. I hate choices, because I don't like to pick, I want to experience all of them, learn in any ways. Seeing beavers wandering around their pond, their territory, looking happy, go here grunting and there barking, now with A and minutes later with B, all the carefree life they could care less about what to do next, what happens next, et cetera et cetera that I finally said,

"Enak ya jadi berang-berang. Hidupnya bahagia, nggak perlu mikir besok makan apa, mau ngapain, apa kata orang yaudah tinggal hidup aja. Lagi main-main gini mereka mikir sesuatu nggak ya?"

Moments later we came across the bear cage. Oh have you heard that heartbreaking news about 'Beruang Madu di Kebun Binatang Bandung Kelaparan hingga Makan Feses Sendiri' stuff? I saw the video on YouTube the other day and joined the petition. They were (maybe still are) SO HEARTBREAKINGLY THIN. If anything, anorexic. You might wanna check. Here in Jogja, the bears are in good hands. But still, they showed the 'standing up' thing that people love in the hope that they will give them another food (my assumption, but hey, the bears did that a lot so let's call them always-hungry bears). And  also still, people keep throwing foods or snacks, nuts to be clear, so yeah back to topic. Caca suddenly said,

"Kasian ya mereka. Kayak menggantungkan hidup mereka pada orang lain, nungguin orang ngasi makan ke mereka....."

And that got me. A lot.

Sometimes I hate my life.

I hate my life with a thousand choices in it. I hate my life for having to choose one of them. Moreover I hate my life for having to accept the consequences of that one choice.

Then I hate my life with lots of consideration in it: what to wear, what to accomplish, where to go, how to do, the list goes on. I hate my life that it doesn't have a fixated path I can easily follow without second guessing. After all, I hate my life because all depends on me, the careless me.

But then again, I have options, and the bears don't.

Biarkan Aku Tidur Nyenyak, Ya Tuhan.

I think the universe is playing on me.

These past several weeks, guess what, I dreamed of three different boys SO VERY CLEARLY. Like.......what. Why. How.

Ok maybe it's too soon but call me pathetic. The term 'dream' is sacred to me. It is not simply a dream, for once I believed it is a sign. I am here, studying a field  I would never consider 3-4 years back then, in a land hundreds of kilos away from home, with no family nor relatives, and survived, at least for these 3 years, is because of A DREAM.

I take dreams seriously. It's kinda my way to communicate with unseen power somewhere sometime. So when it comes to someone coming to my dream with like a brief physical appearance and I KNOW WHOEVER HE/SHE IS: there must be something..........or maybe no............. maybe it's just me exagerating anything......or I don't know.......

But oh, it was B. He asked if we could try again and I said yes. So I thought maybe it was a good thing to wait, at least as long as I can bear.
But then it was N. We talked and suddenly I asked if we could try again but he refused. So I thought it might never be a good idea to let someone like him (like, him, for anything he did back then) take care of my heart.
But then again it was *. The one I NEVER EVER THOUGHT would come to my dream. He asked if we could try but, yea, it was just too unreal so I refused the first time. So I thought maybe yea, it will never be him.

But oh it was B again. He came for the third this time. We did try, and we had it good. But...what to conclude now?

Ok God, I want a prince charming. He might not be one for everybody but it's fine, totally fine as long as You think he is for me.
I have been praying for a good partner, good husband, since high school but I don't think it's enough already for You to grant it now. So please, please, don't show em unless when I'm ready.

But for now, God, could You please just slow down a lil bit....?

Bandung.

Selamat malam, blog.

Beberapa jam menuju ujian tertidak jelas 2017 dan di sinilah aku,

membiarkan kenangan itu masuk dan harapan itu tumbuh.

Membiarkan pikiran ini mengembara dan kembali dengan beragam makna yang ingin dibuka.

Tiga tahun yang terlalu lama untuk dibilang sekejap mata,

tapi terlalu cepat untuk dibilang terlalu nyata.

Kota ini terlalu indah untuk ditinggalkan begitu saja. Maksudku, bagaimana caranya kamu melupakan sebuah kota yang mengajarkanmu berbagai macam ilmu kehidupan di setiap sudutnya, sesuatu yang tak pernah kamu sangka akan kamu alami?

Lovers to strangers and strangers to lovers,

Bandung will always be that ever beautiful city.

Bandung stays, and with that being said, you find your self just as peaceful.