To sit with this sadness and all...

It is that time of the year for Spotify Wrapped 2023... and here I am still the same hopeless romantic heartbroken sad autumn girl sitting at the backburner. My top artist is still Taylor Swift and as I type this, La La Lost You from Niki is playing on the background. This, then Oceans and Engines, The Apartment We Won't Share, and All of the Girls You Loved Before, will be playing afterwards.... Each song has its own story why it makes to my Top Songs.

Sometimes Spotify Wrapped will not only depicts what kind of arts (songs or artists, basically) you enjoy or appreciate much.. it shows what story you resonate most with the lyrics and who you think about when the song plays. Oh, arts...

It's Thursday evening as I'm writing. I have IELTS course on 7pm and I haven't made my homework. I had all day slacking because today we had SPM huddle and days were never productive with all these kinds of WFC stuffs. Went home at 4pm with the good news that Titir had finally made it official with one of our highschool friend whom we talked and laughed about over a late-night convo shivering at Chomrong, Annapurna, until our stomach hurt (Allah Maha Membolak-balikkan Hati). I should be giving feedbacks for the interior design for my new apartment but it's been abandoned for almost 3 months now and I hate myself for that. I think about my upcoming yoga teacher training on Jan. Oh the thrill and anxiety. The Master's prep... I have official IELTS test in 3 weeks and I am not even 80% ready. I promise myself to catch up on the next 2 weeks on each skill but I keep betraying it. I hate myself for that 2.0. My dad is having health issue with his back and I'm taking care of him (from afar) now. I binge-eat and ate too much carbs and less protein lately. I blame myself for sleeping 7+ hours and postponing every office-related to-do-lists the past one week disguised as "closing" when in reality I just... couldn't function. I am so tired. I try to balance everything. Yoga and work and Masters and.... life. But I can't. Aku capek and I just want to cry but my tears won't shed.

It's my second day of period. Maybe it's hormones but I doubt it. I have so much happening around. I acknowledge the fact that not all things deserve my attention but this monkey mind won't cooperate. So many are triggering now and I am so so triggered and I hate myself for that 3.0...

Please please if I name-drop here don't come at me I just love what they have for them I just hate myself that I'm triggered with the feelings --> meaning that I have unfinished business with myelf on that matter that needs healing/closure (for myself) ajasih...

• PR feedback interior udah 3 bulan mangkrak padahal kamar udah bener-bener butuh lemari karena aku males. Kenapa males? Karena udah ke-disctract hal lain (S2, dll). Dan mikirin biaya interior juga.
• Nyak lolos Columbia & LPDP aku jadi menyadari kalo aku tuh sbenernya juga pengen S2 tapi terlalu takut aja --> I end up chasing it tapi dengan segala persiapan dan ketakutanku sendiri rasanya capek banget di-darderdor dari segala sisi bahkan dari dalem diri.
• Karena poin di atas, jadi bener-bener gak semangat kerja. Udah bener2 males extra miles dan begadang alhasil kerjaan banyak pending. Udah di level uninspired dan melihat pekerjaan ini stuck (padahal mungkin belum tentu).
• Karena poin kedua di atas lagi.. aku jadi harus banyak sacrifice waktu lain-lain untuk prep S2. Aku gak masalah tapi aku juga sedih jd gak banyak yoga lagi (yoga has saved my life so much). Dan jadi mikir ini YTT Januari nanti bisa gak ya... Kalopun udah lulus mau ngajar dimana coba??? Apakah aku cocok jadi guru? Bisa? Ada yg mau aku ajar? Oh so many questions in my head.
• Titir udah official sama * dan ini sedikit banyak bikin aku reminiscing aku sama Aris dulu. Nama grup kita "Didekatkan Jodoh 2023" karena aku hampir jadi sama Aris tapi akhir 2023 kok malah Titir yg jadi wkwkw (sumpah I'm so so so happy for her tp bener-bener jd ketrigger aja). Kenapa ke-trigger? Karena aku sangat sangat sangat berharap sama Aris kemarin... padahal udah tau itu ga akan jadi. I broke my own expectation. Dan bener-bener mikir salahku apa ya Ya Tuhan... Pengen punya pacar kok susah banget. Mau jatuh cinta dan mempersilahkan orang mencintaiku aja susah banget gitu... Udah jatuh cinta kenapa gabisa jadi (it's been happening 2-3 times!!!). Kayak... apakah aku emang susah dicintai? Apa yg harus aku perbaiki (banyak sih).. Tapi terus harus gimana ya Allah...
• And the list goes on and on and on....

So in this gloomy Thursday evening I just want to sit with this sadness and all the contradictory feelings. I have so many questions... but I'm pouring them into the oceans and I'm starting up my engine.... ((soalnya abis ini harus ngerjain PR sebelum les IELTS)) :(

2023 tinggal sebulan kalau ada yang mau datang ke hidupku menawarkan pelukan sedalam-dalam sehangat-hangatnya pelukan akan aku sambut dengan sukacita karena aku...butuh ditenangkan. Ya Allah.. aku janji aku akan selalu belajar supaya jadi lebih baik untuk diriku dan sekitarku.. tolong jodohku jangan lama-lama datengnya aku bener-bener butuh dipeluk dan dielus tangannya dikasi tau "Bethari, you are doing great and you will be okay." huhuhu.....

When memory pokes in...

In life we come across many companions who will help us on our journeys, will accompany us through change. Some stay for longer than others. I once read somewhere:

what is grief, if not love persevering?

words: Nix at substack 

Hard pills to swallow (on closure).

Beberapa minggu terakhir ada satu hal yang cukup membuatku termenung dan ber-refleksi cukup dalam.

Rabu minggu lalu aku sama Iyak ke IKEA. Niatnya beli rak jemuran, tapi sebenernya aku emang pengen jalan-jalan ke IKEA aja. I didn't know why - but later I found out (my feeling was so strong that day). Weekend sebelumnya sebenernya udah kesana sama Bumble Boy, but I didn't really enjoy my time there karena gaada particular agenda dan gak pengen2 banget cuci mata pas itu so we spent most of the time conversing instead of lihat-lihat dan itu....draining...banget (the reason why I keep on refusing when he asked me out every weekend: I am so tired to catch up with new people, my social battery to expose myself to complete stranger - the need to explain myself, and to observe the other party is now running out of energy).

There was nothing special that day until.... I saw Aris. With his new girl (I'm assuming). And they were holding hands.

This scene felt....familiar. Reminded me of the days when it was ME he'd ask for furniture recos or new places to explore and it was MY hand he was holding. My heart rushed and pumped of the thoughts that he might find out we were in this very same place and time, unintentionally. Of the thoughts whether I should greet him or not. And if yes, how. And if not... would I regret. And most of all - the confusion driving me down on WHAT TO FEEL. Should I be happy to finally see him again ('cause yes there's this tiny part of me that is happy)? Or should I be sad of the scene I just saw before me?

The most terrifying part was in those split seconds... I started to think that there must have been something wrong with me that he left and moved on so fast. Yes I moved on pretty well this time, but feelings and grief comes in waves. Not only that he is the man in I picture in my Last Kiss and my august, he is also the man I picture in Renegade and Better Man. He was the man whose arms I could still feel at 1.58AM, the one who was never mine to lose, whose damage damaged me, who I thought would've been the one if only he was a better man... I thought about our potentials and the what-ifs and what could have been had we were still together. We. Were. Almost. Lovers. Saying we aren't is like saying that the sky ain't blue.

So I greeted him. With a big smile, one side hoping he'd see how happy and unbothered I am with our status the last time we met. I didn't know if I really mean it... but past this unprecedented encounter... my feelings messed up real bad.

***

Beberapa minggu lalu juga Nabil menikah, sama pacar dia setelah aku. And so I thought: oh gini ya rasanya jadi the one before The One? Kayak yang Mamuy pernah bilang. "Itu tuh bikin aku mikir, kenapa ya dia bisa serius dan mau menikahi cewe itu tapi pas sama aku dia nggak seyakin itu?" Terlepas ada kemungkinan bahwa some things really were not meant to be, pemikiran ini sangat distortif terhadap caraku melihat diriku. I doubt my worth. Seandainya aku nggak se-self aware itu mungkin aku masih terjebak dalam kesedihan berkepanjangan kalau mungkin memang AKU yang salah, aku yang kurang, dan aku yang susah dicintai. 

Hal ini gak cuma utk relasi romantis. Bahkan untuk konteks pekerjaan pun beberapa hal jadi triggering. Sebagai satu-satunya UFLP yang sampe 2.5 tahun tapi nggak jadi manager, ngelihat temen2 naik duluan rasanya hati kayak dirobek-robek. Rasanya susah banget untuk nggak nginget lagi momen 8 bulan terkelam dalam hidupku. Nangis-nangis sambil kerja tiap hari under manager kayak gitu seakan nggak ada artinya. Susah untuk nggak bandingin diri. Susah untuk berusaha husnuzon dan nggak membuat skenario semacam "coba kalo mereka ada di posisiku waktu itu apakah mereka akan survive juga?" atau sebaliknya "coba kalo aku yang di posisi mereka skrg aku juga udah naik manager pasti." Meskipun aku tau everything happens for a reason dan aku tau suatu hari all those hard years sebenarnya sedang mempersiapkanku untuk sesuatu yang lebih besar di kemudian hari... rasanya memang susah banget untuk benar-benar memaaafkan oknum RM dan melanjutkan hidup dengan normal seakan nggak pernah terjadi apa-apa. Because clearly, there WAS something happening and all things I'm doing today, my career, my achievement at work, semuanya stuck (well, I can say) karena dia. Now I need to climb 2x harder than my friends despite having gone the same bloody 2.5 years. It is painful. Still was, still is, forever be.

***

The thing about life is that it is cruel.

I still remember the day my then-boyfriend refused to see me at campus making me believe that I was unworthy of being called his girlfriend. I still remember the days I pulled an all-nighter meeting unrealistic deadlines that shitty boss be giving me only to be wasted as un-potential talent making me believe that maybe I really am NOT qualified to be promoted. I still remember the days I asked to handle my heart with care (to which he said yes) only to got left on read making me believe that maybe I really am NOT worthy of commitment and healthy relationship.

Malem itu aku banyak banget mikir... some people can really go on with their lives like nothing ever happened without knowing how badly they've hurt me and shifted my life completely. They've got new life, new job, new partner while I am right where they left me, just as miserable, still collecting all the broken pieces and mend it altogether...all by myself. Of all the damages they made. 

So here's to all heartbroken souls out there still thriving life to work out as we want it to be. May we find closure (within ourselves) about people/things that hurt us that we don't talk outloud. May they find their happiness.. as much as us finding our own peace of mind.

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Self-love tai kucing

Been limiting myself from outside distractions for over a week now. Cukup berhasil karena sudah lumayan bisa mengendalikan kebutuhan untuk mindless scrolling IG meskipun jadinya malah switching ke Tiktok dan Twitter. But I consider it OK karena di Twitter agendanya cari hiburan dan berita, dan di Tiktok agendanya membiasakan diri dengan konten, platform, dan cara kerjanya sampai nanti beneran udah siap untuk seriusin konten jalan-jalan.

So.. I just had a session with my therapist tonight. Dalam sebulan terakhir, aku sudah 3x ketemu psikolog. Online (lewat aplikasi Bicarakan.ID btw, just in case), tapi so far sangat membantu. Dan setelah mengalami beberapa sesi, I could say kalo psikolog-ku yang sekarang ini enak banget, indikatornya: ngobrol kayak temen (sejam ga berasa), obrolannya mengalir (sehingga aku nggak merasa tertekan utk cari topik dan penggalian topik/isu di diriku menjadi lebih natural), dan sarannya SPOT ON. And when I say spot on.... aku berasa ditampar. She just stated the issues I'm too afraid to face.

I've been in the overwhelming spectrum of emotions post-broken heart. Seeing my pattern, usually it takes so long in me to move on from a romantic relationship. Apalagi ditambah kisah cinta yang barusan yang too good to be true, I kinda expect myself to move on lama. Ternyata... engga (I somehow feel proud of this achievement tho). I feel so much better now. And I owe it to my therapist.

Hubungan terakhir ini sedikit banyak membukakanku pada diriku. Tentang banyak unfinished business yang masih gantung dan baggage yang harus diberesin kalo aku pengen punya healthy relationship dalam konteks apapun. Dalam dua sesi terakhir, aku belajar banyak banget tentang diriku setelah ter-trigger dalam hubunganku sama Aris (akhirnya sebut nama, cape pake kata ganti orang ketiga wkwkw). Di satu sisi, rasanya aku pengen nyalahin dia banget3x tapi di sisi lain gamau victim mentality juga dan menyadari kalo berakhirnya hubungan (tanpa status) ini juga akibat aku yang belum bener-bener pulih dari isuku dengan diriku. Dan baru akhirnya malam ini aku menyadari bahwa isu terbesarku dengan diriku sendiri adalah....

SELF-RESPECT.

Pas bahas ini sama psikolog-ku rasanya kayak tertampar. I thought I was one hella friend out there who showcases so much self-love and self-respect... turns out... NO?! My ego is hijacked.

Pertemuan pertama dengan psikolog ini dilakukan dalam survival mode. I was crying the whole day over this one guy (iykyk) and beat myself up to the point where I feel like losing myself. Pas itu lebih banyak bahas tentang attachment style dan impact-nya ke relasiku dengan Aris. How I'm such an anxious dater and how it turned out to be to be meeting with such (allegedly) avoidant partner. The result? Utter disappointment. Sedangkan di pertemuan kedua barusan, lebih banyak bahas gimana caranya supaya aku bisa break the pattern dan bener-bener ngeliat gimana hal ini ternyata impact-nya ga cuma ke relasi percintaan tapi ke semua lini kehidupan termasuk pekerjaan dan pertemanan.

As an anxious dater myself, I always put too much weight on how others see myself. And base my worth on what they think. Maksudnya: "Aku merasa berharga/bagus/keren, kalau dia/mereka lagi baik/memuji aku." Akibatnya bahaya, kalau mereka nggak baik atau nggak memuji aku, aku merasa aku tidak berharga. Padahal belum tentu??? Pada akhirnya, aku akan seperti kerbau dicocok hidungnya bagi orang2 yang sayang/aku ingin impress sehingga aku akan menoleransi mereka untuk hal yang aku sebenernya nggak nyaman.... alias AKU GAPUNYA HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

Ada konsep namanya gelas afeksi. Afeksi ini bentuknya macem2, ada cinta, penerimaan, recognition, dll. Apapun sebabnya, gelasku ini either kosong atau tidak terisi dengan ideal. Sehingga bukannya memenuhinya dengan afeksi yang aku bangun sendiri, aku mengandalkan orang lain untuk mengisi gelas itu. Dan ini sangat tricky, karena perasaan "terpenuhi" gelasnya ini enak dan menyenangkan, sehingga ada tendensi bahwa I will crave for more and will keep doing it yang bisa jadi awal dari toxic relationship. The thing is: gaada healthy relationship yang PIC utama pengisi gelasnya (pemberi afeksi) itu BUKAN si pemilik gelasnya (diri sendiri). Terlepas dari Aris dan isu komitmennya (and it's never my job to fix his issues anyway), satu reminder yang cukup menohok setiap aku mulai ter-trigger memori tentang dia adalah: JANGAN SAMPAI MELANGGAR PRINSIPKU SENDIRI HANYA AGAR GELASNYA DIISI. Do not ever lose myself trying not lose anyone.

I saw it coming. I knew since the very beginning that despite the potential that it holds, we are not going to work. I know he's gonna leave and I'm gonna get hurt. We were always walking on thin ice that could break any damn time. But I ignored when everyone said "Run!" and was in complete denial blinded by love (is it? or is it an obsession instead?) and the illusion that apparently a guy exactly my type hiked the Himalayas, liked me, and I liked him back. Oh what a Cinderella story that's never going to happen.

Jadi gimana?

Jawabannya adalah aku harus tau bahwa aku berharga. To know my worth despite what people say. Aku harus belajar melakukan sesuatu UNTUK DIRIKU SENDIRI. Bukan untuk siapa-siapa. Bukan untuk membuktikan apapun. Dalam kalimat praktikal: Aku melakukan ini karena aku senang membantu kamu/sayang padamu, bukan agar kamu mengganggapku ada. Atau kalau dalam konteks pekerjaan: Aku melakukan pekerjaan ini/begadang, bukan untuk impress bosku atau orang lain, tapi karena aku mau belajar dan harus selesai hari ini.

Sebagai produk UFLP dan keluarga disfungsional yang dianggap berharga kalau kita berhasil meraih penghargaan akademis yang "bisa diukur mata", melakukan sesuatu bukan dengan niat ingin membuktikan ternyata sangat susah. And I didn't realize how hard it is until I came out of it. It's engraved in my mind, subconsciously affecting my decision-making process. Scary.

And the route to respecting myself has always been: understanding myself.

• What are my values?
• What is okay and what is not?
• Why could I be very stubborn on my non-negotiables and VERY tolerable on some others?
• What needs do I try to fulfill while being tolerable over my boundaries?
•  And why is it so?
• Is there alternative to replace the bad habit with other ones?

***

Well so many realizations, so many homeworks. I think that's the thing about therapy and learning about yourself every single day. You're finally aware of the blind spots you've been missing. This is why humans are complex beings and why we're always a work in progress.

Knowing thyself is journey of a lifetime.

Adrenaline escapism.

Sabtu lalu aku menyadari sebuah (not so new) fact tentang diriku bahwa... empat Sabtu terakhir aku habiskan di empat negara berbeda. Terdengar seperti hidup jetset ala Nia Ramadhani tapi percayalah ini hanya kombinasi emosiku yang impulsif + tiket murah + teman2 menyenangkan yang susah ditolak. So the rest is history (at least for me):

• Indonesia: Mendaki Gunung Gede di Sabtu, 13 Mei
• Filipina: Muter-muter Intramuros & National Museum of Philippines di Sabtu, 20 Mei
• Hongkong: Barusan mendarat di HK International Airport di Sabtu, 27 Mei
• Makau: Teler abis jalan 23ribu langkah dan siap2 nyebrang kembali ke HK di Sabtu, 3 Juni

Rasanya gila sih. Iya senang dan bahagia dan excited.. tapi kayak melayang. Thought I'd give myself a full rest this weekend.. ternyata harus survey ke Sentul with bapack2 untuk acara MT Wellbeing (just another episode acara wellbeing kantor yang mengorbankan wellbeing panitia, brutally speaking). Fix Sabtu malem aku akan pijet #nonnegotiables.

And then there's this big realization, especially after my latest heartbreak... bahwa all these impulsive trip decisions... was actually trauma responses. I made the decisions during my survival mode. The fact that my parents are planning on divorce (I saw it coming but never got into terms the way it should be until recently), the work that keeps piling up on endless shits to fix (alias bak laundry kotor yang se-la-lu nam-bah), the hanging decision whether to buy the apartment or not (more like am I ready for the commitment or not) and being on the verge of losing myself because I don't wanna lose someone (who had evoked the butterflies feeling I haven't felt for a while hence the attachment)..... create this big storm inside that I am not ready to face and settle with.... causing me to operate and function in the state where I rely on quick fixes for escapisms. The quick fixes happen to be the adrenaline rush in impulsive trips with friends. To Nepal (well this one's not impulsive), to Gn. Gede, to Manila, to Hongkong, and to Makau.... risking a little bit of my credibility at work disguised as days off. Now I'm left with exhaustions - physically and mentally.

Cape sih... cape lari. Dari masalah. Now all is crumbling. My parents are still on track on the divorce plan, kerjaan gak berkurang malah makin banyak (nangis banget tiap inget berapa SKP dan revisinya yg harus dibikin, all these non-added value tasks I need to make on daily basis ARGGHHHH), keputusan untuk beli apartment yang masih menggantung juga, dan..... fakta bahwa aku juga tetap ditinggalkan dan patah hati oleh seseorang yang aku pikir akan berbeda.... menyadarkanku kalau... memang rasanya aku HARUS menghadapi semua ini. Gabisa lari lagi. I need to take care of the poops.

So I'm seeing therapists again now. And uninstalling instagram (kadang masih liat via browser, well it takes time). Mau membereskan perihal hati yang selalu overthinking dan anxious (yang mungkin menyebabkan aku selalu ditinggalkan). Banyak berdiskusi lagi sama diri sendiri dengan rajin meditasi dan nulis jurnal lagi. Memperbaiki hidup dengan mulai rajin jalan kaki dan denger podcast bagus lagi. Dan.... mengapresiasi hal-hal kecil di hidupku. Merasa cukup dengan yang ada saat ini, even without the grandeur things seperti jalan-jalan ke gunung tinggi atau keluar negeri hanya untuk self-satisfaction semata. Iya mereka menyenangkan, tapi kalau tujuannya untuk lari dari masalah... they mean nothing.

Sekarang rasanya masih banyak anxious-nya. I really need to work on my anxiety bcs it literally is killing me slowly. Lelah banget rasanya jadi orang yang selalu kepikiran berlebih dan making up stories that only happen on my head. It's okay, self, you are safe. You are not in a rush. You are not left behind. You got this.

Tahun ini umurku akan menginjak 27 tahun. Selalu merasa aneh dan gak pantes bertambah umur, terutama di umur-umur late 20s where I thought I would have had everything figured out. Well I dont. I have NOTHING figured out. Karir? It's giving me safety net but I'm not a manager yet while my friends are already are (dengan kata lain: I am left behind). Keluarga? My family crumbled. Jodoh? No one seems to come near as I'm still recovering from the scars.

But figuring things out is a lifetime journey. And 27 is just the new 22: happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical. Let's just dance then... while the magic lasts. Semangat Bethari.