Why Do I?

hv u ever been so lost like u hv so much to do but u dont know which one to do first n u hv a war going on on your mind like you're gonna explode cos the world is too cruel for this fragile soul of yours....

hv u ever been in a crowd with so much noises around but u feel empty u just want someone to hug u convincing that you will be alright that this is gonna be just okay in the end like...u just want to be understood but everybody seems to hv their own business and all u can do is simply doing ur shits all over again...

hv u ever been so lonely like u just need someone to talk to but u cant talk to ur mom cos she'll never know this battle going on in ur heart bcs it's not 'her thing' so u just keep ur mouth closed and let yourself drown in room of anxiety that ur mind creates, hoping you'll slowly dissappear and nobody will notice...

hv u ever been so deeply sad but u cant just shed ur tears cos u dont even know how u get so sad and it feels like u've known this kind of feeling since forever and it feels like u're getting used to it lately......

tell me how to get over it,
get over anything that burdens me

so god, can I ask You a question?

kenapa aku harus mengenal cinta?

Little Kids Just Looking for Love.

We're all hoping, we're all hopeless
We're all thorns and we're all roses
We're all looking down our noses at ourselves
We're all flawed and we're all perfect
We're all lost and we're all hurting
And just searching for somebody to love

We're all liars, we're all legends
We're all tens, that want elevens
We're all trying to get to heaven, but not today
We're all happy, we're all hatin'
We're all patiently impatient
And just waiting for somebody to love

We're all good, but we ain't angels
We all sin, but we ain't devils
We're all pots and we're all kettles
But we can't see it in ourselves
We're all livin' 'til we're dying
We ain't cool, but man, we're trying
Just thinking we'll be fixed by someone else

We all wrangle with religion
We all talk, but we don't listen
We're all starving for attention then we'll run
We're all paper, we're all scissors
We're all fightin' with our mirrors
Scared we'll never find somebody to love

Just tryin' to hold it all together
We all wish our best was better
Just hopin' that forever's really real
We'll miss a dime to grab a nickel
Overcomplicate the simple
We're all little kids just looking for love
Yeah, don't we all just want somebody to love?

It's 3 pm now and crowds around.
Why the hell am I having this thought?

Kacey never fails tho.

To Whom It May Concern.

A girl who is used to being on her own probably doesn’t need you. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you.

Just because she can walk the road alone, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy your company.

See, the truth about being on your own is that after a while, being on your own becomes your safe space. There’s a reliability in answering to only yourself, to only worrying about yourself. And though at times it can be lonely, it’s a softer lonely. It’s a loneliness that eventually becomes familiar and almost beautiful.

So when someone else comes in, and shakes up that world and that loneliness, it’s jarring.

And so, for a while, there’s going to be some adjustment. There’s going to be some ebb and flow, some give and take. There’s going to be some fear on her end. Not only because she’ll be tentative to let you into her world, to let you scale those walls, to invite you into a life that previously only hers.

But there will also be the fear that if she does let you in, does trust you, that she’ll stop being comfortable on her own, and start to only be comfortable with you.

And the intrinsic fear of getting comfortable with another person is, “What do I do if they leave?” When you love a girl who is used to being on her own, you’re loving a girl who is scared by the possibility of ever having to relearn how to do that. You’re saying, “Please let me in,” while she’s saying, “Please don’t go.” There’s an ease to being on your own once you get used to it, but the getting used to it part is often times an uphill battle, an incredibly difficult journey, and she really dreads the possibility of having to do it again.

So when you love a girl who has been used to being on her own, please be prepared to stay. Be ready to hold her hand when she says, “I can do it,” and respond with, “But I can help.” Be ready to learn about her life, her world, and find a way to respect it while still being a part of it.

Be ready to scale the walls she’s built around her heart, and be ready to never worry about what’s going on outside of them. Because when you do, when you really do, she’ll be ready to never let you go.

From @thoughtcatalog on instagram

Another Late Night Thought.

Because
you can't speak
to someone who
took away everything
that you were
without even caring.

So instead,
I walked straight our past memories,
and pretended the word 'us' never happened.

Now tell me,
when will I stop urging for you?

How Do You Find Your Kinda Pleasure?

Not a big deal for me anyway.

I am easily satisfied by simple things.
Bau hujan, petrichore katanya
Bau bensin, sederhana tapi memabukkan
Uang koin di selipan tas atau kantong celana
Humor receh, yang superreceh
Traffic light lampu ijo
Bau masakan Eyang
Simple note specially made for me on something
Dengerin orang medok di tanah Sunda
Masuk kosan tanpa copot sandal
Video tutorial make up
Sawah
Pemandangan di atas jalan tol
Jalan berkelok
Udara dingin
Gunung
Langit berbintang
Senyuman orang

Oh yes, look how beautiful it is ketika ada ibuk-ibuk bilang 'makasi neng' sambil tersenyum hanya karena kamu memegang tangan beliau waktu naik angkot karna angkotnya keburu jalan dan si ibuk belum duduk.

Just look at how beautiful it is and how you heart suddenly felt at peace looking at that curve of gratitude.

Happiness is a state of mind.
You don't wait for it, you create it.

Itulah kenapa aku bingung ketika orang bilang susah bahagia.

You ask for too much, kiddos.
Wanna know one thing?

Deal with it. With everything.
Cos you can never please anybody.
Dan semakin kamu berpikir hidup ini kurang, kamu akan menemukan bahwa sejatinya hidupmu memang kurang.

Lost The Moon While Counting The Stars.

"Kak, kenapa cinta itu rumit?"
"Kita yang buat rumit."

Entah, ini cuma hipotesisku aja. Tapi kamu tau nggak kenapa orang bilang 'jatuh cinta'? Like, kenapa jatuh?

Menurutku karena kita tidak berniat untuk jatuh. We just fall. In love. Maybe a little bit too hard we don't even know how and why. And that's, I think, the best kind of love. The so-called quote 'the best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time' is true.

That was me, 10 months ago when I finally decided to let go of all the insecurities of never being in a relationship kinda things and just accept the fact that I may die someday as a spinster, with a boy whom I never thought would mean that much to me 10 months later.

And maybe,
That is you, right now when you have suffered what you thought a quarter life crisis and long for a new perspective, with a girl whom you never thought would mean that much to you (well maybe not 'that' much).

I don't know in which state I am right now.
I woke up today feeling relieved
and lost.

Temenku dulu pernah bilang, salah satu hal terjahat yang pernah dilakukan seseorang pada orang lain adalah memberi harapan ketika kamu tidak berniat untuk menangkap orang tersebut saat jatuh.
That's why when you finally decided to leave, I feel relieved. I am that rude person and I don't wanna keep being rude.

But yes, let me tell you this one thing.
Hal pertama yang aku rasakan setelah bangun tidur bukan lega (well it was me last night), tapi kehilangan.

I value people beyond appearance.
What's beautiful about them is their stories. I'm not sure aku merasa kehilangan apa. Apakah kamu atau cerita-ceritamu atau tempat random yang akan kita datangi bersama (since you said you would invite me to come to panti jompo, remember?)

I want deep talks, about universe, about life.
I want random places, like a sky full of stars on a hill up above.
I want affections, the one I've been craving for but never have I accepted from anybody else.

You gave me those.
Well I'm just not ready.

Still, one of my best 2 weeks, really.

You know that feeling after a late night deep conversation? Ketika kamu bertanya tanpa takut dicap aneh. Ketika kamu cerita tentang diri sendiri tanpa takut dicap self-centered. Ketika kamu menerka mengapa sesuatu hal terjadi dan menemukan bahwa jawabannya bukan selalu yang kamu cari pada awalnya, but somehow it satisfies you.
Kalo kamu belum tau rasanya, let me tell you. It is awesome. Like.....super awesome.
It's like you're naked, but you have clothes.
You're flying, but your feets are on the ground.

Aku sudah menemukan orang itu.
Yang sanggup membuatku ga ngecek hape for a rigid 8 hours karna real live talks seem more interesting than those line chats. Yang sudah cukup mengenal diriku hanya dalam 2 minggu. Yang membuatku berani cerita tentang selera musikku (yang mana menurutku selera musikku adalah sesuatu yang sgt privat dan agak parno aja kalo ppl out there find out and judge me about this). Yang sudah aku percayai untuk membawaku ke suatu tempat jauh disana tengah malam without getting scared of being kidnapped. Dan yang-yang yang lain.
Somehow better.
Than my 7-years-best friend.
And my 8-months-ex.

I know I lost the moon while counting the stars. I know.
How on earth could I let go such a beautiful soul wrapped in a beautiful appearance like you and chasing for a boy who never know this one girl who suffers a pain of losing him?
Any girl would do anything to replace me. Like..... Any. Girl.
And it really is a privilege to know you a bit better than those girls. A privilege I'm grateful for for the rest of my life.
You open my minds and perspectives, and make me question everything. Kind of conversations I can only have with certain people, not even my ex-boyfriend.

Suatu hari Mamuy pernah berkata,
"Bet, kamu milih seorang cowo bcause u need them or because u want them."
And that's the problem.
I don't want you for now.
But I need you. In ways you can't expect.

And that's the problem as well.
Cause I'm gonna need you more than you need me. It just....can't. Karna sebuah hubungan sejatinya adalah suaian, bukan?

Lastly,
You are a good guy with a really good heart. Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with you naked soul. Jadi, aku akan jadi salah satu orang yang kecewa if you get that one girl who doesn't appreciate you and your strange (they may say) choices of tempat makan/tempat jalan the way they should be appreciated. Cos you are that amazing. And don't ever change that.

To the person who's reading this realizing it is all about himself,
Yes.
This is about you.
I can't thank you enough for those beautiful lines of your kind of life, love, fears, hopes, dreams, purposes, and basically anything.

You're my new favorite person now.

Semoga kita tetap mencari, meskipun yang kita dapat pada akhirnya tidak harus (eh, selalu --exactly the way you corrected last night) yang kita cari.

PS: I just realized that your line home cover photo is that kujang you borrowed to me last night, so that must be something. I will keep it anyway, kukuh kana jangji and the woman philosophy in it, as you said. Oh ya btw, I want you to hear Kacey Musgraves' Keep It To Yourself. It's my all time favorite song.