Lost The Moon While Counting The Stars.

"Kak, kenapa cinta itu rumit?"
"Kita yang buat rumit."

Entah, ini cuma hipotesisku aja. Tapi kamu tau nggak kenapa orang bilang 'jatuh cinta'? Like, kenapa jatuh?

Menurutku karena kita tidak berniat untuk jatuh. We just fall. In love. Maybe a little bit too hard we don't even know how and why. And that's, I think, the best kind of love. The so-called quote 'the best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time' is true.

That was me, 10 months ago when I finally decided to let go of all the insecurities of never being in a relationship kinda things and just accept the fact that I may die someday as a spinster, with a boy whom I never thought would mean that much to me 10 months later.

And maybe,
That is you, right now when you have suffered what you thought a quarter life crisis and long for a new perspective, with a girl whom you never thought would mean that much to you (well maybe not 'that' much).

I don't know in which state I am right now.
I woke up today feeling relieved
and lost.

Temenku dulu pernah bilang, salah satu hal terjahat yang pernah dilakukan seseorang pada orang lain adalah memberi harapan ketika kamu tidak berniat untuk menangkap orang tersebut saat jatuh.
That's why when you finally decided to leave, I feel relieved. I am that rude person and I don't wanna keep being rude.

But yes, let me tell you this one thing.
Hal pertama yang aku rasakan setelah bangun tidur bukan lega (well it was me last night), tapi kehilangan.

I value people beyond appearance.
What's beautiful about them is their stories. I'm not sure aku merasa kehilangan apa. Apakah kamu atau cerita-ceritamu atau tempat random yang akan kita datangi bersama (since you said you would invite me to come to panti jompo, remember?)

I want deep talks, about universe, about life.
I want random places, like a sky full of stars on a hill up above.
I want affections, the one I've been craving for but never have I accepted from anybody else.

You gave me those.
Well I'm just not ready.

Still, one of my best 2 weeks, really.

You know that feeling after a late night deep conversation? Ketika kamu bertanya tanpa takut dicap aneh. Ketika kamu cerita tentang diri sendiri tanpa takut dicap self-centered. Ketika kamu menerka mengapa sesuatu hal terjadi dan menemukan bahwa jawabannya bukan selalu yang kamu cari pada awalnya, but somehow it satisfies you.
Kalo kamu belum tau rasanya, let me tell you. It is awesome. Like.....super awesome.
It's like you're naked, but you have clothes.
You're flying, but your feets are on the ground.

Aku sudah menemukan orang itu.
Yang sanggup membuatku ga ngecek hape for a rigid 8 hours karna real live talks seem more interesting than those line chats. Yang sudah cukup mengenal diriku hanya dalam 2 minggu. Yang membuatku berani cerita tentang selera musikku (yang mana menurutku selera musikku adalah sesuatu yang sgt privat dan agak parno aja kalo ppl out there find out and judge me about this). Yang sudah aku percayai untuk membawaku ke suatu tempat jauh disana tengah malam without getting scared of being kidnapped. Dan yang-yang yang lain.
Somehow better.
Than my 7-years-best friend.
And my 8-months-ex.

I know I lost the moon while counting the stars. I know.
How on earth could I let go such a beautiful soul wrapped in a beautiful appearance like you and chasing for a boy who never know this one girl who suffers a pain of losing him?
Any girl would do anything to replace me. Like..... Any. Girl.
And it really is a privilege to know you a bit better than those girls. A privilege I'm grateful for for the rest of my life.
You open my minds and perspectives, and make me question everything. Kind of conversations I can only have with certain people, not even my ex-boyfriend.

Suatu hari Mamuy pernah berkata,
"Bet, kamu milih seorang cowo bcause u need them or because u want them."
And that's the problem.
I don't want you for now.
But I need you. In ways you can't expect.

And that's the problem as well.
Cause I'm gonna need you more than you need me. It just....can't. Karna sebuah hubungan sejatinya adalah suaian, bukan?

Lastly,
You are a good guy with a really good heart. Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with you naked soul. Jadi, aku akan jadi salah satu orang yang kecewa if you get that one girl who doesn't appreciate you and your strange (they may say) choices of tempat makan/tempat jalan the way they should be appreciated. Cos you are that amazing. And don't ever change that.

To the person who's reading this realizing it is all about himself,
Yes.
This is about you.
I can't thank you enough for those beautiful lines of your kind of life, love, fears, hopes, dreams, purposes, and basically anything.

You're my new favorite person now.

Semoga kita tetap mencari, meskipun yang kita dapat pada akhirnya tidak harus (eh, selalu --exactly the way you corrected last night) yang kita cari.

PS: I just realized that your line home cover photo is that kujang you borrowed to me last night, so that must be something. I will keep it anyway, kukuh kana jangji and the woman philosophy in it, as you said. Oh ya btw, I want you to hear Kacey Musgraves' Keep It To Yourself. It's my all time favorite song.