A hopeless romantic...

I should be either working for my deck to VP tomorrow or submit promo plan but I spent the past 3 hours lying on my BSD kosan bed instead mindlessly scrolling instagram then twitter then instagram only to realize I'm not looking for anything in particular. I was just escaping - from the void, from my very own confusion.

Since yesterday I was just trying to find the word that best describes my current emotion. It's a mixture of everything at once. I had one of the best week ever in my life with all this Sulawesi trip and the good friends I met along the way (gonna tell you more about this later, blog) and just like what I've mentioned over and over again, I hate leaving places... It scares me how much I attach myself to things & memories that once they're over... I feel like losing myself a bit. And it takes time to help me feel whole again. Not recommended.

But I guess this one's different. I feel like losing myself a bit because of the trip....and because of a new realization..... that I may have fallen for someone unconsciously (but expectedly & foreseeably). Slowly then all at once. In drizzly dawn to stormy night, realizing that 1) It's just not supposed to be 2) It's just too late. I was just to late to question the signs to at least get a closure (tho I know that there is no such thing as closure). This feelings resembles break up, though anticipated. And I just make it worse because I keep on denying and suppressing it: that I should be happy after a wholesome holiday and that I should have seen it coming so that it will not hurt as bad. I felt both - I just am not ready to feel both, at once.

But feelings are feelings and they are valid. I realize that they come in waves and thus I should just learn to ride with it and treat as visitor. Learn to let go of attachments and possessions. Impermanence. In times like this I hope I can hug all parts of me that ache and give them all the extra attention and care I wish somebody else would give. Love them unconditionally feeling secured that in parallel time, my best man is paving his way to me as I work on paving my way to him. Or if he doesn't, at least I give myself the amount of love and respect she deserves for just existing. I am already a wonder.

Oh God why am I such a hopeless romantic.... :(

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The biggest pie in this fragile life...

My head hurts. Of this overflowing vast range of emotions. Didn't expect today to be this kind of Monday, but here we are. I learned so much about life in the past 12 hours...

Today I am reminded again of how fragile and short life is. And in this short but meaningful time, what matters is simply our biggest pie. Hari ini kita meeting cukup intens seharian tentang budget dan target. Such critical objectives. So I thought ok ya just another busy Monday with the all-nighters and whatnots. Yes, I am writing at 2.30am now pulling an all-nighter....but I couldn't work. I couldn't think. I was just numb for the past 6 hours.

Timku sekarang ada empat orang. Mas Kim (Ramayana), aku (Farmers - I haven't told you blog about this), Mba Jo (Tiptop), dan Koko Yo (my LM). Jam 4.30 sore, Mas Kim tiba-tiba izin ke Koko Yo kalo mau pulang duluan. Istrinya sakit, jadi dia harus jemput. Ternyata, Koko Yo bilang "Iya, ini gue juga mau pulang. Oma gue masuk RS, koma.". And so they left at 5pm. It was just me & Mba Jojo casually talking and at 5.30pm she finally said "Gue gabisa mikir, gue balik dulu juga ya." but in didn't happen. Mba Jojo berakhir curhat 1.5 jam cerita tentang keluarganya (which I can relate so well) sampe nangis......

Dengerin cerita mba Jojo tentang keluarganya (yang apparently mirip, unfortunately) bikin aku menyadari. Enam bulan terakhir, ada dua temanku yang ternyata mengalami hal serupa denganku. This gives me such relief: bahwa aku nggak sendiri. Dan aku sadar (lebih tepatnya disadarkan kembali), kalau setiap orang itu punya battle-nya masing-masing yang nggak mereka ceritakan keras-keras. Jadi..  jadi orang bener-bener harus baik deh. Kita gatau cerita dan lukanya lain sedalem apa that they do what they do. Until one realizes their pain, they become more aware to stop it. Otherwise, it'll come in full circles - viscious cycle.

Sore ini aku menyaksikan the power of a family. How one can be the source of the greatest strength, but also greatest sorrow. But still it's worth more than our job. If life were a pie, today I witnessed how people are just choosing the biggest piece of pie they want to have. Our life revolves around our biggest pie and that clearly shows our reason of being. And thus that is our purpose.

And now that I realize again and again that life is just so delicate....I really wish I can embrace each passing second with the best of any emotions. Of only love, excitement, and gratitude. My time is so precious I want to spend it in the best way possible: with my biggest pie in life where I get to call them home 🤍

"Setelah aku tahu bentuknya waktu itu adalah Zalina, sekarang aku hanya ingin hidup selambat-lambatnya dan merasakan sebanyak-banyaknya."

(Raisa, 2022)