I should be either working for my deck to VP tomorrow or submit promo plan but I spent the past 3 hours lying on my BSD kosan bed instead mindlessly scrolling instagram then twitter then instagram only to realize I'm not looking for anything in particular. I was just escaping - from the void, from my very own confusion.
Since yesterday I was just trying to find the word that best describes my current emotion. It's a mixture of everything at once. I had one of the best week ever in my life with all this Sulawesi trip and the good friends I met along the way (gonna tell you more about this later, blog) and just like what I've mentioned over and over again, I hate leaving places... It scares me how much I attach myself to things & memories that once they're over... I feel like losing myself a bit. And it takes time to help me feel whole again. Not recommended.
But I guess this one's different. I feel like losing myself a bit because of the trip....and because of a new realization..... that I may have fallen for someone unconsciously (but expectedly & foreseeably). Slowly then all at once. In drizzly dawn to stormy night, realizing that 1) It's just not supposed to be 2) It's just too late. I was just to late to question the signs to at least get a closure (tho I know that there is no such thing as closure). This feelings resembles break up, though anticipated. And I just make it worse because I keep on denying and suppressing it: that I should be happy after a wholesome holiday and that I should have seen it coming so that it will not hurt as bad. I felt both - I just am not ready to feel both, at once.
But feelings are feelings and they are valid. I realize that they come in waves and thus I should just learn to ride with it and treat as visitor. Learn to let go of attachments and possessions. Impermanence. In times like this I hope I can hug all parts of me that ache and give them all the extra attention and care I wish somebody else would give. Love them unconditionally feeling secured that in parallel time, my best man is paving his way to me as I work on paving my way to him. Or if he doesn't, at least I give myself the amount of love and respect she deserves for just existing. I am already a wonder.
Oh God why am I such a hopeless romantic.... :(
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