Guys who aren't ready.

I just finished a solo-turned-to-duo road trip just 2 days ago. To Jateng. This place has always hold a special place in my heart. My roots, my ancestors - my grandparents from both sides are from Central Java. Long story short, destiny brings the most fun part to the table. What I initially planned to be a wild trip for myself and myself only turned out to be one of the most fulfilling journey this year filled with people I love. How I love my freedom, my courage, and most importantly... my (best) friends. Thank you Titir, Icuk, and Yonkies for the company arriving to Semarang. Thank you Mamuy for the company departing from Semarang. Thank you Allah for all the beautiful coincidences you have planned since millions of years ago.

By now I know you know that my heart was just being toyed last year. Alias aku jatuh cinta sejatuh-jatuhnya sama orang, mengenal istilah situationship, sempat berekspektasi sangat tinggi dan (emang) hampir jadi (gimana ya coba dibayangkan kalo udah single 7 tahun dan akhirnya jatuh cinta lagi sampe ada butterfly in my stomach itu artinya LUAR BIASA).... sampai akhirnya patah hati sepatah-patahnya karena we were just built to fall apart.

Pas dirasain rasanya emang sedih banget. Late May-June I was fleeting, my heart was numb, I didn't touch the ground. Patah hati itu nggak enak dan nggak akan pernah enak, sesiap apapun kita sama perasaan itu. I wish I wouldn't have to experience that feeling again, but unexpectedly, patah hati kemarin ternyata aku lebih mudah untuk berdamai dengan kenyataan. Setelah mencoba menelaah ke dalam diri, aku datang dengan dua kesimpulan. Partly adalah karena aku sangat aware dengan emosi dan keberhargaanku sekarang (compared to my previous heartbreaks dimana aku masih anak bau bawang yang self- awarenessnya masih rendah) sehingga aku lebih mudah mengidentifikasi perasaan dan act upon it. Tetapi mostly I think karena..... COWONYA AJA YANG KURENGGGGG. This might sound so self-entitled. Yes I have scars of my own that got him triggered... but I can't keep self-sabotaging myself on the wrongdoings I might have made that he left.

It was never my fault. There is nothing wrong with how much I love another person, how much I care, and how my affection would perform to show my love and care for them. I'd cross the sea for the people I love is a fact and them fearing this pure and genuine love to backfire and isolate them from their freedom... would be their loss and not mine. He left not because I was lacking something, he left because he was lacking something.

He lacks the courage to commit.

I hope I slap him right in the face (if he'd read). This is the only piece he'd need to know. You can roam around the whole wide world looking for the missing puzzle but you'd never get your puzzle complete and beautiful-looking if you prefer not to put yours in the table for you to see clearly. I don't hate him for being so. In the world of boys, only small portion of boys turns to gentlemen. I hate him for leaving after giving high hopes. I hate him for caring if he didn't mean to stay for long. I hate him for making me feel like I lack something when in reality, he's the one lacking something.

To say it bluntly, I hate guys who aren't ready. They think they know what they want so they left/they expected us women to comply to their bar.... They actually don't. They don't know what they want but they pretend like they do and IT SUCKS.

So when Mamuy told me "Aku berdoa sama Allah semoga X bisa ngelihat aku 10x lebih baik dari mantannya" I was raged. I WAS MAD AND FURIOUS.

1. Sahabatku, yang sangat berharga dan kusayang dan kutau kualitasnya, harus berdoa agar supaya laki-laki yang dia sayangi bisa melihat keberhargaannya lebih daripada mantannya? Laki-laki macam apa yang sampe harus didoakan dengan khusyuk agar bisa melihat kualitas temenku yang ini??? Like.... she must not beg for his attention...??? Why must she???
2. Kenapa... kenapa sampe Mamuy bisa berdoa agar dia bisa dilihat lebih baik dari MANTANNYA X dan bukannya lebih baik dari dirinya sendiri di masa lalu? Aku sedih... sedih banget. She is great at being her and her own self and she would not need other girl as comparison to make her feel better. She is valued for who she is, not how worthy she is compared to other girls, especially his ex.
3. Dan terakhir, yang paling bother me a lot: Bisa-bisanya dia bilang Mamuy belum siap ke jenjang yang lebih serius kalau sebenernya DIA yang nggak siap berkomitmen dan konsekuen atas komitmennya? To take all the good and bad consequences together with her and work on that together??? I mean sampe Mamuy harus doa begitu BUKAN karena Mamuy is bad as a person tapi karena X-nya yang gak siap dengan konsekuensi dari komitmennya?

Huf.... kemarin aku bener-bener marah sih. Mamuy sampe nangis tapi aku nggak peduli, I want her to realize her worth. Dia ga perlu bandingin sama mantannya untuk memvalidasi keberhargaan dirinya. Gak perlu sampe berdoa agar cowonya bisa melihat kualitas baik dirinya karena what's the point of mendoakan begitu kalo cowonya yg BUTA??? Love must be pure and effortless and tidak memaksakan....

I hope society can teach our boys better. To take responsibilities. To own their decisions. To know themselves and what they want so their ego won't soar too high to be able to admit his own fears and realize his precious girl's genuine love is sealed with a heart right in front of their eyes. Semoga...

2023: Annual Reflections Part 1.

I keep telling myself to write yearly annual reflections for 4 days now (writing this at January 4th and not Dec 31st) but I betrayed my own words. Last year I put a placeholder and told myself to write once I had the time only to skip the errand and finally gave up the idea of writing reflections if the moment had gone long enough for me to remember the details. I've just re-read my 2021 reflections and tbh it feels heavenly to acknowledge my own growth.

So this year I'm keeping my pinky promise so my future self would re-live this moment.

Hello older Bethari, this one's for you. Prompts are from here.

1. Describe the year of 2023, how was it for you?

Wow. I love talking about this. I've said it in many platforms but I'm saying it again. My 2023 motto is "No plans, only options" and wow oh wow I've got so (too) many options nearing EoY. The year is all about UNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES!!! I started the year unsure of my own resolutions... guess what? I didn't even make one for myself. And guess what?? I think this year just DELIVERS.

• I didn't plan to buy a property; I ended up buying my current 2BR little space in lovely Cisauk on Aug 2023.  
• I only planned to go to Nepal (and maybe Philippines - I've bought the ticket via Mas Angger since 2022) starting 2022 but turned out I travelled to 6 countries alone (Nepal, Malaysia, Thailand, Philippines, Hongkong, and Macau) this year!! And 5 of them were new countries!!!! Crazy????!!?!
• I didn't plan to study further career at yoga turned out I signed up for a 0-hr YTT coming on Jan-Feb 2024. 
• I didn't set any career goals this year... yet I received Future CEO award at SPM Annual Conference, got Best Supplier at Ranch Recognition Award, and ending the year with Klub Juara at H2 2023. Wild wild career ride.
• I didn't plan to pursue master's anytime soon... but life gave me surprises over surprises that by the end of 2024... I've taken my IELTS test, on the way to craft my essays, and plan to apply for SIPA MPA-DP for Fall 2024. Life is so... funny? 
• I've always wanted to dye my hair pink and blue and get my ears pierced not only one or two or three... IT'S FIVE. 

I think the list could go on for pages but these are what have been the highlights of this year.

2. Who have you become this year?

I have spent the past several minutes thinking about the best to answer this but I still can't come to conclusion... It's been an utmost privilege to realize that I am just so comfortable with myself that I could confidently say I.... become myself this year. I am asserting my needs, feelings, and concerns to the table for others to consider. No sugarcoating. No masks. I have always been and will always be me. And this confidence alone has gone me far. I am acknowledging my worth, attracting what I want/need, reclaiming my energy, radiating warmth and hope like I always do. Authenticity is truly a magnet.

3. What have you learnt about yourself this year?

I am a strong, kind, beautiful lady and worthy of all the love in the world and I respect myself by walking away from whoever who doesn't value me and my quirks. To be able to attain this level of self-esteem and confidence is a long winding journey and I won't let anybody makes me beg for any bare minimum only to fill in my empty glass.

4. What made your heart and soul happy this year?

All of my travelling days... no doubt. This year I embody the only animal I'd think about when describing myself: a bird. I would even carve "Kalingga" (Sanskrit version of bird) as tattoo if only Islam'd let me.

Describe 3 of your best memories from this year!
What do you want to leave in 2023 and head into 2024 free from?
If you had to choose one word for the year 2023, what would it be and why?

To sit with this sadness and all...

It is that time of the year for Spotify Wrapped 2023... and here I am still the same hopeless romantic heartbroken sad autumn girl sitting at the backburner. My top artist is still Taylor Swift and as I type this, La La Lost You from Niki is playing on the background. This, then Oceans and Engines, The Apartment We Won't Share, and All of the Girls You Loved Before, will be playing afterwards.... Each song has its own story why it makes to my Top Songs.

Sometimes Spotify Wrapped will not only depicts what kind of arts (songs or artists, basically) you enjoy or appreciate much.. it shows what story you resonate most with the lyrics and who you think about when the song plays. Oh, arts...

It's Thursday evening as I'm writing. I have IELTS course on 7pm and I haven't made my homework. I had all day slacking because today we had SPM huddle and days were never productive with all these kinds of WFC stuffs. Went home at 4pm with the good news that Titir had finally made it official with one of our highschool friend whom we talked and laughed about over a late-night convo shivering at Chomrong, Annapurna, until our stomach hurt (Allah Maha Membolak-balikkan Hati). I should be giving feedbacks for the interior design for my new apartment but it's been abandoned for almost 3 months now and I hate myself for that. I think about my upcoming yoga teacher training on Jan. Oh the thrill and anxiety. The Master's prep... I have official IELTS test in 3 weeks and I am not even 80% ready. I promise myself to catch up on the next 2 weeks on each skill but I keep betraying it. I hate myself for that 2.0. My dad is having health issue with his back and I'm taking care of him (from afar) now. I binge-eat and ate too much carbs and less protein lately. I blame myself for sleeping 7+ hours and postponing every office-related to-do-lists the past one week disguised as "closing" when in reality I just... couldn't function. I am so tired. I try to balance everything. Yoga and work and Masters and.... life. But I can't. Aku capek and I just want to cry but my tears won't shed.

It's my second day of period. Maybe it's hormones but I doubt it. I have so much happening around. I acknowledge the fact that not all things deserve my attention but this monkey mind won't cooperate. So many are triggering now and I am so so triggered and I hate myself for that 3.0...

Please please if I name-drop here don't come at me I just love what they have for them I just hate myself that I'm triggered with the feelings --> meaning that I have unfinished business with myelf on that matter that needs healing/closure (for myself) ajasih...

• PR feedback interior udah 3 bulan mangkrak padahal kamar udah bener-bener butuh lemari karena aku males. Kenapa males? Karena udah ke-disctract hal lain (S2, dll). Dan mikirin biaya interior juga.
• Nyak lolos Columbia & LPDP aku jadi menyadari kalo aku tuh sbenernya juga pengen S2 tapi terlalu takut aja --> I end up chasing it tapi dengan segala persiapan dan ketakutanku sendiri rasanya capek banget di-darderdor dari segala sisi bahkan dari dalem diri.
• Karena poin di atas, jadi bener-bener gak semangat kerja. Udah bener2 males extra miles dan begadang alhasil kerjaan banyak pending. Udah di level uninspired dan melihat pekerjaan ini stuck (padahal mungkin belum tentu).
• Karena poin kedua di atas lagi.. aku jadi harus banyak sacrifice waktu lain-lain untuk prep S2. Aku gak masalah tapi aku juga sedih jd gak banyak yoga lagi (yoga has saved my life so much). Dan jadi mikir ini YTT Januari nanti bisa gak ya... Kalopun udah lulus mau ngajar dimana coba??? Apakah aku cocok jadi guru? Bisa? Ada yg mau aku ajar? Oh so many questions in my head.
• Titir udah official sama * dan ini sedikit banyak bikin aku reminiscing aku sama Aris dulu. Nama grup kita "Didekatkan Jodoh 2023" karena aku hampir jadi sama Aris tapi akhir 2023 kok malah Titir yg jadi wkwkw (sumpah I'm so so so happy for her tp bener-bener jd ketrigger aja). Kenapa ke-trigger? Karena aku sangat sangat sangat berharap sama Aris kemarin... padahal udah tau itu ga akan jadi. I broke my own expectation. Dan bener-bener mikir salahku apa ya Ya Tuhan... Pengen punya pacar kok susah banget. Mau jatuh cinta dan mempersilahkan orang mencintaiku aja susah banget gitu... Udah jatuh cinta kenapa gabisa jadi (it's been happening 2-3 times!!!). Kayak... apakah aku emang susah dicintai? Apa yg harus aku perbaiki (banyak sih).. Tapi terus harus gimana ya Allah...
• And the list goes on and on and on....

So in this gloomy Thursday evening I just want to sit with this sadness and all the contradictory feelings. I have so many questions... but I'm pouring them into the oceans and I'm starting up my engine.... ((soalnya abis ini harus ngerjain PR sebelum les IELTS)) :(

2023 tinggal sebulan kalau ada yang mau datang ke hidupku menawarkan pelukan sedalam-dalam sehangat-hangatnya pelukan akan aku sambut dengan sukacita karena aku...butuh ditenangkan. Ya Allah.. aku janji aku akan selalu belajar supaya jadi lebih baik untuk diriku dan sekitarku.. tolong jodohku jangan lama-lama datengnya aku bener-bener butuh dipeluk dan dielus tangannya dikasi tau "Bethari, you are doing great and you will be okay." huhuhu.....

When memory pokes in...

In life we come across many companions who will help us on our journeys, will accompany us through change. Some stay for longer than others. I once read somewhere:

what is grief, if not love persevering?

words: Nix at substack 

Hard pills to swallow (on closure).

Beberapa minggu terakhir ada satu hal yang cukup membuatku termenung dan ber-refleksi cukup dalam.

Rabu minggu lalu aku sama Iyak ke IKEA. Niatnya beli rak jemuran, tapi sebenernya aku emang pengen jalan-jalan ke IKEA aja. I didn't know why - but later I found out (my feeling was so strong that day). Weekend sebelumnya sebenernya udah kesana sama Bumble Boy, but I didn't really enjoy my time there karena gaada particular agenda dan gak pengen2 banget cuci mata pas itu so we spent most of the time conversing instead of lihat-lihat dan itu....draining...banget (the reason why I keep on refusing when he asked me out every weekend: I am so tired to catch up with new people, my social battery to expose myself to complete stranger - the need to explain myself, and to observe the other party is now running out of energy).

There was nothing special that day until.... I saw Aris. With his new girl (I'm assuming). And they were holding hands.

This scene felt....familiar. Reminded me of the days when it was ME he'd ask for furniture recos or new places to explore and it was MY hand he was holding. My heart rushed and pumped of the thoughts that he might find out we were in this very same place and time, unintentionally. Of the thoughts whether I should greet him or not. And if yes, how. And if not... would I regret. And most of all - the confusion driving me down on WHAT TO FEEL. Should I be happy to finally see him again ('cause yes there's this tiny part of me that is happy)? Or should I be sad of the scene I just saw before me?

The most terrifying part was in those split seconds... I started to think that there must have been something wrong with me that he left and moved on so fast. Yes I moved on pretty well this time, but feelings and grief comes in waves. Not only that he is the man in I picture in my Last Kiss and my august, he is also the man I picture in Renegade and Better Man. He was the man whose arms I could still feel at 1.58AM, the one who was never mine to lose, whose damage damaged me, who I thought would've been the one if only he was a better man... I thought about our potentials and the what-ifs and what could have been had we were still together. We. Were. Almost. Lovers. Saying we aren't is like saying that the sky ain't blue.

So I greeted him. With a big smile, one side hoping he'd see how happy and unbothered I am with our status the last time we met. I didn't know if I really mean it... but past this unprecedented encounter... my feelings messed up real bad.

***

Beberapa minggu lalu juga Nabil menikah, sama pacar dia setelah aku. And so I thought: oh gini ya rasanya jadi the one before The One? Kayak yang Mamuy pernah bilang. "Itu tuh bikin aku mikir, kenapa ya dia bisa serius dan mau menikahi cewe itu tapi pas sama aku dia nggak seyakin itu?" Terlepas ada kemungkinan bahwa some things really were not meant to be, pemikiran ini sangat distortif terhadap caraku melihat diriku. I doubt my worth. Seandainya aku nggak se-self aware itu mungkin aku masih terjebak dalam kesedihan berkepanjangan kalau mungkin memang AKU yang salah, aku yang kurang, dan aku yang susah dicintai. 

Hal ini gak cuma utk relasi romantis. Bahkan untuk konteks pekerjaan pun beberapa hal jadi triggering. Sebagai satu-satunya UFLP yang sampe 2.5 tahun tapi nggak jadi manager, ngelihat temen2 naik duluan rasanya hati kayak dirobek-robek. Rasanya susah banget untuk nggak nginget lagi momen 8 bulan terkelam dalam hidupku. Nangis-nangis sambil kerja tiap hari under manager kayak gitu seakan nggak ada artinya. Susah untuk nggak bandingin diri. Susah untuk berusaha husnuzon dan nggak membuat skenario semacam "coba kalo mereka ada di posisiku waktu itu apakah mereka akan survive juga?" atau sebaliknya "coba kalo aku yang di posisi mereka skrg aku juga udah naik manager pasti." Meskipun aku tau everything happens for a reason dan aku tau suatu hari all those hard years sebenarnya sedang mempersiapkanku untuk sesuatu yang lebih besar di kemudian hari... rasanya memang susah banget untuk benar-benar memaaafkan oknum RM dan melanjutkan hidup dengan normal seakan nggak pernah terjadi apa-apa. Because clearly, there WAS something happening and all things I'm doing today, my career, my achievement at work, semuanya stuck (well, I can say) karena dia. Now I need to climb 2x harder than my friends despite having gone the same bloody 2.5 years. It is painful. Still was, still is, forever be.

***

The thing about life is that it is cruel.

I still remember the day my then-boyfriend refused to see me at campus making me believe that I was unworthy of being called his girlfriend. I still remember the days I pulled an all-nighter meeting unrealistic deadlines that shitty boss be giving me only to be wasted as un-potential talent making me believe that maybe I really am NOT qualified to be promoted. I still remember the days I asked to handle my heart with care (to which he said yes) only to got left on read making me believe that maybe I really am NOT worthy of commitment and healthy relationship.

Malem itu aku banyak banget mikir... some people can really go on with their lives like nothing ever happened without knowing how badly they've hurt me and shifted my life completely. They've got new life, new job, new partner while I am right where they left me, just as miserable, still collecting all the broken pieces and mend it altogether...all by myself. Of all the damages they made. 

So here's to all heartbroken souls out there still thriving life to work out as we want it to be. May we find closure (within ourselves) about people/things that hurt us that we don't talk outloud. May they find their happiness.. as much as us finding our own peace of mind.

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