I.. did not... make it.
Well, I failed LDPD Tahap 1 2024.
How am I feeling? Exactly now... I am amidst all these overwhelming feelings. More calmed than before. It's a wave of emotions coming over and leave. Trying my best to treat them as a traitor. If it comes, it'll go.
Woke up today feeling alarmed. Didn't (well I did) expect the announcement would come out at 3-4am in the morning. Guess the announcement is not delayed at all, the system just crashed and it happened that the day has changed another day. Life just happens for everyone under the sun and we are all here kinda maneuvering inside the maze. So I picked up my phone, went to the bathroom, had a little Saat Teduh moment, and went to the webpage.
I failed. I refreshed the page and I still failed. (Why did I think it would change anyway?)
Titir was the one I shared the news to. She informed me she didn't make the cut too and my heart broke a little. And it all comes in waves again. Then I informed Mamuy, my fam, and then Nyak called.
How should I describe the feeling? I can't. It's a mixture of pride and sadness. I thought I wouldn't cry. I journaled last night reflecting on how this journey has been a very meaningful one, breaking down my feeling towards each decision (whether if it's a yes or no), and promptly asking myself "What if I fail?". Gotta say it helped. I was numb for the first 7 hours until it was 1 pm and I'm at KRL on the way for my self-care day and I broke down. I cried my first tears at Gojek to Erasmus Huis and shed another tear during the exhibition. I called Mom right away and she comforted me saying "Gapapa, Mama yakin kamu masih punya potensi. Masih ada kesempatan lainnya."
I pushed myself very hard the past 8 months, to the point that I almost pushed anything aside. My apartment interior making, health & wellbeing (I gave up yoga, weightlift, and walking sesh many times!), and uhm... somehow... work. I restrained myself to give the extra miles to redirect my focus to what matters: masters, yoga, dreams, a life resume I will proudly thrive. I acknowledge that work-life-balance is a myth tho. You will always need to sacrifice something if you want something and it's a matter of priority when you know you don't have all the resources in the world. That is called management. Now that I have given my all to this dream, it will only make sense if I EXPECT SOMETHING. I expect to get in. I expect to make it this year. Mostly so I have Nyak to show me NYC around. Secondly is to experience myself to USA's presidential election and/or eras where Taylor Swift still dominates. I picture myself strolling around Central Park and spent New Year 2025 in Times Square already. But life gets you up and down. Failures have always been your best friend! Remember how you got into XLFL, YLI, and UFLP all at the second try?
Am I sad? I am.
Am I disappointed? I am.
Am I giving up? I hope I am not.
I am sad because it (the dream) matters. I am disappointed because I want this so bad. And while this decision was not as I expect it to be, I hope this will never dim my light and fire. InsyaAllah.
Plus it is only in times like this that I acknowledge Your divine love through the love and support from people around me. Millions of thank yous to Nyak, Muy, Tir, Kak Sekar, Vicky, Hanaya, Fem, Nindya,
I have several dreams prior to this very moment that syndicates LPDP, or Kemenkeu, or Columbia, or NYC at all. I was once in an underground subway with Bocil! I have fulfilled half of my nazaar. I have acted in a way like I'm about to resign anytime sooner. It turns out to not become my reality, at least for now. So I will take my time to grieve and sit with my sadness. I know that the result does NOT define my worth or quality as an individual. It will only define God's perfect plan and timing. There is khayr (goodness) in every delay because rejection is both a protection and a redirection. I know I'm in good hands: God's hands.
Tetep semangat yaa, Bethari!
Sebagai anak tukang pos dan ibu rumah tangga yang nggak kuliah, bisa kuliah di ITB, kerja di Unilever, mimpi bisa kuliah di Ivy League, dan keterima Columbia dan NYU (with scholarship grants!!) dalam 10 tahun terakhir.... Beth, kamu keren. Kamu keren, kamu berharga, mimpimu berhak dan layak diperjuangkan, dan kamu akan sampe kesitu kalau sudah waktunya!
I'M SO PROUD OF YOUUUU, PLS KEEP FIGHTING BETHARI!
PS: I should've written down MPA-DP 2024 instead for this manifestation back in 2024 haha. But it's okay!! This failure is needed to grow me!
No comments:
Post a Comment