Cause I Have.

Have you ever been
so sad
so damaged
you listen to ballad songs
and when the flashback starts
you can't stop the tears streaming down your face
for a rigid one hour
on the bathroom floor
scared going back to the crowd
cause you just dont want the world
to know how rude he is
and how broken you are
cause you dont want people
to know how hurtful he is
and how stupid you are,
for believing in him?

All Within A Single Person.

"The first person I lost was my lover…
I cried for 165 days in a row and the first day I didn’t, I felt guilty; as if suffering somehow equated to love and the fact that I hadn’t cried meant I didn’t miss them enough and I never deserved them in the first place…

The next person I lost was my friend…
Things happened… things went wrong… It felt like my whole life was falling apart and when all I wanted to do was turn to my best friend… I realized they were gone…

After that I lost my soulmate because I honestly think I lost a part of my soul.
I’m not the same person anymore, a part of me is missing and I know I’ll never get it back…

And one day when I’m ready… I will lose one more person to the distant past…

One day…
I will lose the ghost of those three people.

The spectre I see sitting across from me at empty café tables, the one I turn to face at the punchline of every joke, and one I reach for in the within vast emptiness inside myself.
One day that ever present shadow will fade away forever like the rest… but not yet. I‘m not ready to let that last echo fade… I’m still trying to reconcile the loss of the other three because they were all so much to lose…

And I lost them all within a single person.”

—Ranata Suzuki | All The People I’ve Lost

Reminder.

There are a few things you must never say unless you mean them from the bottom of your heart. I love you, I am there for you and I will never leave you are words that should never be lies, because that's how you tear a soul apart.

-@lesparisiennesdumonde

I Beg.

I miss you so much it hurts.

I bet you'd say I lied.
Casual.

I cried these past 7 days and I lied.

Kak, if I let you know one thing before the last time, it would be when and what makes me cry.

When my dad kissed my forehead at the departure,
when my mom gave me a long hug before she left this city,
when I saw my sisters blew kiss from the car which was slowly disappearing,
When my grandma passed away,
and when I think about the future of all of my friendships -I am afraid if we're not gonna see each other after those graduation leaps-.

Cause the last thing I want to tell, is
I love you, and you have no idea how fucking much I want to be with you.

Please, please.
Don't break my heart over again. I beg.

In Pieces.

Who thought I'd be in the same phase, exactly 4 months later?
Who expected I'd be crying over the same thing in the same place, 4 months later?
The fallen pieces are just the same, the difference?
Now, you're the one who makes it.

If in the end, we go separate ways, you and me, so that's the thing with my heart.

The problem is, when you're gone, you're taking away my dreams too.
They're the part of me and I just can't.

You were so sure about what you said,
that you liked getting lost in me,
that you didn't want to lose me,
that you loved me,
that we had so much in common,
that you had your dreams set and we happened to be in the same path.
And I started to believe it my self.
I started to get you to my life, to lean on you, to do my firsts believing you won't break me, you won't leave me.
Turns out, it starts consuming me: the presence of you, the touch of your skin, the promises you made, your voice, your smell, the thought that we'd end up together and live your dreams (which finally become mine as well) side by side.

Am I wrong? Tell me, where did I do wrong?

Is it me being too stupid to believe you really were, or is it you, who's not ready enough to get over your past, expecting me to satisfy your need with the image of her through my self, blaming me and your problems over the way you leave?
I thought when people said 'I love you' they mean 'I love you forever'.
See? Forever is delusional, like you are.

Is it me being too stupid to believe in you? Is it?

I thought we would fight for each other. I thought we'd fix it, provided something broken.
I thought we'd make it. I really did.

I thought we'd last, that is why here I am, trying to have your back, doing everything I can to assure you, I try, I really did, and I still am.

But you're gone, all of a sudden.

Is this how you're gonna treat me? Fly me high and left me, didn't even have the intention to catch me when I fall.

Why did you ask me if I loved you, while you're the one who didn't? You're the one who leaves, who gives up?

Why? Cause I can never think about it myself.

Let me tell you this one thing.

I rarely fall, but once I do, I fall hard. I think I've told you several times the other days.

You might not see it, but yes, too much things I did the firsts to show you how much I cared, things I have never given to anybody else before you.

I'd risk my self, that's how I love you, the only way I know to love you.

And you still question it?

Cause when you're gone, you're taking away my part who believed in what you said.
And I believed in everything you said with all my heart.

Are you gonna break me?
This damaged girl who just tried to move on but got broken once again? Who just turned 20 looking for her prince charming til she realized she might have found it, that she finally started expecting her prince charming to be hers, to be the one, to be her everything she's brave enough to even think about spending the rest of her life in the future with?
Are you?

Cause if yes, why would you be so sure about anything? How could you?

Why did you have to make me believe we would make it?

Cause that's gonna be the rudest thing a gentleman could ever do to a woman.

And I believe wholeheartedly you were one.

Please, to whom I should lean on to now? Who's gonna stand by me, believing in me that I could overcome all my pitfalls? Who's gonna find my flaws just adorable? Who's gonna rub my back when I cry?

Please,

how can I make myself whole again

when a part of me

has unapologetically

gone with you? 

Say You'll Remember Me.

I hope we last. I hope we do.
But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat, kinda messed up with my own. Remember me laughing at our only-we-know jokes, the most stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad I never thought if I'd recover. Remember me brave, that time I was striving so you could see my effort; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - when I called feeling blue and you told me you believed in me.
Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways you never knew so that I could get your attention back. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs I couldn’t stop listening to and the wild dreams you allowed yourself about the future, that you said we had much intersection on.

If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too. If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning.
Remember the first time you knew.

To My Never.

“They always believed that we’ll end up together right?” you asked.

I hummed in agreement. You put your hands on my waist, as I leaned my head into your chest.

“But you never loved me.” I said.

You found yourself humored. Laughter reverberated in your chest as if you heard the funniest joke in the world.

“Why? Did you ever love me?”

You asked, daring me to answer.
You were so confident that you knew my answer. But you were wrong.

“At some point, I sure did.”

I then felt your heart hammered inside your chest as I bury my tears in it."

Will You Up and Leave?

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that
you are going to end up like everyone else that has ever left me.

I’m afraid that
one day you aren’t going to see the quirky little things I do as endearing or cute,
but rather annoying and obnoxious.

I’m afraid that
you won’t see the things I say and do as you do now,
that you will eventually grow annoyed of me.

I’m afraid that you’ll see my flaws for what they are,
disgusting.

I’m afraid that
you’ll up
and leave
just like they all do.

Words from 7.06 pm (on instagram)

Wish Upon A Lucky Star Tonight.

Selamat sidang, kak.

Not a proper media to say such things I know right.
But am pretty sure you'll ace it incredibly, just as good as you already are and have always been.

Semoga dilancarkan, doaku selalu untuk kakak.

have you ever been in a situation

when

you listen to sad love songs,

shed tears,

throat choked,

wanna be there,

but even 'there' is no longer there?

The One I Don't Mind Losing Sleep Over.

I have late conversations with the moon.
He tells me about the sun,
I tell him about you.

-S.L. Gray 

Kepergian dan Perempuan yang Terlelap dengan Sekawanan Kupu-kupu.

Apa saja yang sedang kaulihat di atas sana?

entah seberapa dalam kita saling melukai suatu malam
sampai kutemukan kau meninggalkanku terlelap dengan
sekawanan kupu-kupu:

kehilangan yang terbang memenuhi dada dan perutku.

Meski begitu mulai kunikmati pagi-pagi timbul tenggelam dalam perasaan
yang kita muntahkan setengah sadar
sebab mungkin memang tak ada yang perlu disesali
dari sebuah kepergian

(kuingat kita suka membayangkan membebaskan diri
dalam sebuah balon udara
dan tersadar kata-kata tajam akan menjadikannya
perjalanan yang berbahaya)

maka aku akan berhenti menarikmu kembali ke daratan—
kubiarkan kau menjadi layang-layang
yang bebas terbang.

-----

Tapi kautahu ke mana dapat pulang jika perjalanan
menjadi terlalu sepi untukmu

: seorang perempuan tengah terlelap
dengan sekawanan kupu-kupu yang kautinggalkan
dan membuatnya menunggu.

                                                  -jemarimenari

-.

Show me the most damaged parts of your soul,

and I will show you how it still shines like gold.

We Could Be.

Just find way to get home
There's a space in my heart
Open arms for you to run to

Baby, close your eyes and take the leap
To make believe in fairy tales
I'll meet you there
Oh yea, I'll fall too

See I've wanted you here
All along but my fear
Just keep haunting me won't let me go

So it's hard to say I love you


We could be stars.

Alessia Cara - Stars

If.

If you have my number, please don’t be afraid to use it.
It’s ok if it’s been a week, a month, a decade,
you have it for a reason.

The number that you hold isn’t just my personal number,
it’s the direct line to hope and to help.
It’s a direct line to support and it’s a direct line to understanding.
I’ve been through rough times, and I’ve been through happy times,
and I’ll always understand what made you
want to pick up the phone.

So if you are awake late at night like I am,
and you wonder who to call because no one
else will answer your texts, you can call me.

I’ll always listen.

And maybe sometimes, I’ll forget to text you back or call you back
because life moves so rapidly, and some things slip through the cracks.
But don’t give up. Continue to text me.
I will never be upset.

Because if you have my number, you have my friendship.
I hope you never go a night thinking that no one out there thinks of you,
because I probably do,
and I want to hear from you. It’s alright if it’s been a while
because life goes on, and I will have forgotten how much time has
passed until I look at our last conversation and by then,
we’ll already be talking.

So if you have my number, please use it,
and if you don’t,
please ask.

Biggest Mistake.

My biggest mistake other than hurting you was thinking you could fix me. Only I can fix me. I’d like to become the person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. I don’t know how long that’ll take, but I hope you’ll be there when it happens.

Stuck in Love (2012)

Let Us.