Bukan Galau.

Sekali lagi ini bukan post galau okeh.

Lately I've been healing myself and feeling much much better, in terms of love life. I have recovered pretty much, I feel relieved, I feel content, I am having fun with the life I choose right now. And I'm thankful.

Tapi inilah anehnya hidup.
You can say you have recovered like a lot of times but when the time comes, you can't help it.

Apakah aku sudah completely fine?
Oh yes. Aku sudah sepenuhnya sadar aku ini udah putus sama Nabil and there ain't a way we're getting back together...like ever. And I'm totally fine. Aku menerima kalo ya gaada gunanya juga w cling to past memories, ngarep balikan whatsoever when I knew it already in the first place, we will NEVER. So why bother.

Masih sayang Nabil: coret. Goodbye, bil. Let me continue my life.

Tapi there's still this burden left. And after a while, mungkin aku mulai tau ini kenapa.

Kalo Mamuy cerita tentang kehidupan cintanya yang selalu ada. Literally selalu ada, meskipun bukan pacar tapi entah mantan entah gebetan selalu langsung ada gapake lama itu kadang aku ini either ngerasa iri, atau ngerasa insecure.

What did I do totally wrong in life when Bethari is basically single her entire life except 8 wrecked months with Nabil and 4 dramatic months with Brian while Mamuy is basically always in a relationship whether it's official or just another twist from her ex kinda love story, her entire life as well?

Aku nggak menyalahkan Tuhan sih. Ya aku bener-bener paham tiap orang ada jodohnya masing-masing. Mungkin aku emang belum ketemu aja. Mungkin cara dipertemukan akan beda juga sama Mamuy jadi gabisa dibandingkan. Tapi balik lagi, kalo aku sudah menerima kenyataan ini tuh kenapa aku masih beban dan kepikiran gitu loh?

Jawabannya, might surprise you.

I do not miss the love (nor the person).
I miss the idea of BEING IN LOVE.

You see these two are whole different things, right?

I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, the stomping beats of my heart, the relief in mind when I get to see the man I love smiles back.

You know, this kind of experience.

And frankly speaking, the last time I had was with Nabil. Brian was close but not enough. And I guess that pretty much justifies my feelings to him. Why I seemed to struggle a lot to completely move on from him, why I had head over heels when I saw him, why it looked like too hard for me to let go of the memories.

Cause it WAS too hard for me to let go of the feelings and the experience. And now that it became worse, I (admit that I) miss it.

Harus gimana ya?

Don't tell me to do whatever that makes me happy or anything so I won't remember such things. I did. I did lots of things I can't even manage my time ok so don't come ever closer to tell me the same thing. It's just.......now that I'm almost 22 and I only had 1 ex all my life and I'm going to enter the so-called real world after college, that people said it's much harder to find the one. I kinda feel the urge, and I'm afraid.

So. Very. Afraid.

Apakah akan ada seorang yang dengan rela menerimaku apa adanya, dan di sisi lain akan aku terima apa adanya juga untuk bersama-sama menjalani hidup sampai maut memisahkan?

Karena aku setakut itu kalo nggak ada and I'll just be another lonely generous grandmother who spends money for every kid I meet when deep down, I want to spend for my very own kid.

***

I lost words to close this post like I don't even know what my conclusion would be. I just want to virtually cheer my prince charming and secretly wish him a very safe trip to where I am, to not fall, to not die, to endure, to bear, and to strive the better version of him while I myself keep improving myself that when the time comes......we need no time to complete each other (we have on our own). We only get the time left to EMPOWER each other.

And I think that's gonna be the best love story ever. ❤