Papa.

Kalo ditanya dari kecil lebih deket sama siapa, Mama atau Papa? Aku pasti jawab.... Mama. Meskipun hubungan kita bukan kaya hubungan ibu-anak di sinetron yang saling mencintai, cium2, peluk2, sayang2an, tapi dari kecil aku selalu lebih deket ke ibuku. Mungkin karena beliau lebih bisa mengkomunikasikan maksudnya ke anak-anaknya. Aku gapernah mengidolakan bapakku. Gapernah pengen cari suami kayak bapakku. Gapernah berharap anakku punya pengalaman punya bapak kayak bapakku. Aku tumbuh membenci bapakku.

Bapakku itu tipe yg cukup pendiam. Dari kecil aku sering merasa kehilangan sosok bapak hanya karena bapakku hanya ada di sana ketika melakukan-melakukan hal besar yang dilakukan seorang ayah (jemput, nganter - menyediakan). Being a needy person who loves me a good company & quality time.... my dad was almost never there. He never checked up on me, asked me how my day has been, how I was feeling..... I grew up having a very instable feeling inside trying to look tough bcs I supressed my feelings. I grew up with this empty hole made by my father because of his inability to communicate his love to his daughter.

Selama kuliah dan merantau, keluargaku juga bukan yang tipe dikit-dikit telfon. I was so okay in college. I never had homesick - I don't think I had a home to begin with. It's just so easy to leave my house and my parents if the very reason you leave your house is them.

Tapi lately ketika kerja.... I had developed this understanding. I hate my parents - yes. But I love my parents. Everyday I'm in different side of the spectrum. One day I want them to just die, the next day I pray to God to give them good health. Tonight I'm in the latter side of the spectrum.

I saw that my dad slowly tried to communicate his love... through words. I know he's getting old - something that I just realized as I grew older as well. Terutama beberapa minggu terakhir pas aku mulai merantau lagi. When I was in college, he didn't come as communicative. But the past weeks... he checked up on me every 2-3 days. Kadang aku merasa bersalah karena aku kadang males bales. It's always been awkward. I always don't know what to say... padahal ini adalah hal yang aku selalu harapkan bapakku melakukan. I guess it's just too late now. Aku cuma bales, ya aku baik, aku sehat, lagi banyak kerjaan, dll. Padahal deep down aku pengen banget cerita hal-hal kayak anak cewe ke bapaknya. Tentang wisdom kehidupan dia, tentang pengalaman masa muda dia, tentang hal-hal yang dia pengen lakukan kalo dia balik masih muda.....

Lately I realized that I love my father so much. He went through so much hardship but he stands... still. Like he's always been. Kalo ada satu orang paling sabar yang aku tau... jawabannya adalah bapakku. Pas kecil aku merasa dia sangat sulit dijangkau. Dia jahat. Dia suka ngerokok (I hate smokes). Dia suka keluar rumah & nggak pernah ngajak ngomong aku. Dia pernah mukul aku pake krayon sambil bilang kata kasar yang bikin aku merasa sangat worthless sebagai anak...... Now I know that he's just being..... human. He might be having too much adversities that time he couldn't control that he reflected it upon me. The adversities so heavy that now he's the most patient person that I know, trying to repair this already-broken father-daughter relationship.

He's not perfect, never was, never will. But I think.... I'll give him a chance.

his text just tonight

Life's been Rough.

Hello.

Just a little update to no one that I just had my 2nd mental breakdown today (current update: up to my 3rd as I'm crying while typing this). Fyi, this is my third mental breakdown during the whole UFLP process. First in Medan, second in Pepsodent, and third here. I don't know how this will take me the next day but I can confidently say for now that I don't like my role in Shopper Marketing Hypermarket-CC. I love the people. But not the job.

The workload is not manageable. Second worst after BB Pepsodent, even worse than UI. This, plus the UFLP so-called grooming agenda with me being the PIC for other 2 big projects (which are NPD Criteria Check and Omnichannel). And not to mention the extracurriculars: me being the vocalist of HPM band and me being the PIC for SMASH (EVERY MONTH) until March next year.

I dont know if it's me being away from God & myself (after long time of not journaling) affects this or this alone is already hard to handle to begin with. But for now, I don't know if I'm gonna survive....

Cukup diputer-puter ya Allah. Capek.. Capek banget. This is my 4th role already within a year. I know I've overcome much hardship before arriving at this point but please.. no more. No more rotation. No more adaptation. No more adjustment. It's so exhausting mentally & physically. I want to settle. I want to dig deeper. I want to excel on something. I want to have lasting impact and it's so hard to so at the moment.....

(Latest update: I had 7 mental breakdowns today in total. Crazy huh)

Decent People Problems.

Ijin nulis sampah malem ini. Soalnya ngerasa lagi lumayan down abis huddle hari ini. Kerjaan lagi banyak banget dan hampir ga kepegang dan line managerku sampe bilang aku mulai keteteran. Rasanya sedih banget. Rasanya sekarang ego-ku tercoreng sekali karena merasa bukan menjadi karyawan teladan the so-called future leaders yang profesional dan supersharp karena kerjaan keteteran dan bikin timeline molor. Padahal I am so much more than just my work. And I did my best already - udah sering lembur dan went extramiles untuk accomodate request KAM sebaik dan secepat aku bisa tapi tetep aja kerjaannya muncul lagi muncul terus..... dan instruksinya sama. Kalo ga disuru analisis, mapping, gather insights............ I WANT TO EXECUTE. I mean, I love the people but I'm done analyzing data I just want to execute. Tapi ya.... aku juga belum bilang ke LM-ku my struggle & preference jadi tidak ada yang salah (dan sebenernya gaperlu mencari kambing hitam ajasih). Susah sekali ya menolak perasaan ingin divalidasi itu. Susah sekali juga ya memisahkan self-worth dengan excellence. #sigh

Kemarin malem habis ngobrol sama temen yang dikenal via IG. Not really temen sih, just stranger who happens to have mutuals & crossed circles & stuffs.... dan ya jadi sering DM-DMan aja. Kita ngobrolin jodoh. Dia lagi sering ganti profile picture, katanya dalam usaha mencari jodoh. And he went on by listing down the criteria of the perfect jodoh he's looking for. In the end, I agreed to introduce him to someone potential if any. And when I ask his commitment back to help me, he said..........

*now playing: Noah - Dan terjadi lagi..............."

WHY. DO. PEOPLE. MAKE IT. LOOK LIKE. PEOPLE. WHO LOOKS. DECENT. SHOULD HAVE IT. EASIER. TO HAVE. A PACAR. SO EASILY?????

(Disclaimer: aku merasa diriku decent. Not pretty nor beautiful. Just decent)

• Pertama: Jujur. Kenapa. Too many people told me this already, seakan membuat perasaanku susah dapet/nyari pacar meskipun I look decent tidak valid. Truth is... YES. YES. US DECENT PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE DIFFICULT TIME FINDING PACAR. And I. Dont. Know. Why.
• Kedua: Kenapa orang-orang bilang aku nggak peka???? Truth is.... AKU TUH PEKA BGT GUYS. Intuisiku tuh kuat banget, meskipun iya aku gampang dibohongin. Tapi aku peka. I know when someone have tendency to approach me... tapi kadang akunya ga tertarik ya gimana mau dipaksa???? Terus ada yg bilang "gitu lu protes kalo ga dapet2 pacar" YHA EMANG SAYA SALAH PENGENNYA SESUAI WHAT I PICTURE IN MY MIND. Paham bahwa realita tidak seindah drama Korea, tapi emang gaboleh kalo aku punya standar??? Ke diri sendiri aja punya standar. Jangan sampe ke orang yang akan menghabiskan sisa hidupku dengannya aku gapunya standar????

Hiks semoga sampe sini paham ya.....

1. Kalau orang cantik/cakep/ganteng/DECENT, nggak berarti mereka selalu gampang dapet pacar.
2. Aku tuh peka. If you feel like I am not, artinya kamu (or ya basically boys yang mendekati aku ini either gak cocok sama yang aku pengen ATAU they dont show enough courage to show me yet. Alias: make it obviouslah. Not a fan of playing code here).

Udah sih itu aja ceritanya. Wkwk kayak ada yg baca. Semoga tahun ini bisa menginjak 25 dan menutup tahun dengan punyak pacar. Aamiinn 172946814x

What Occupies My Mind Lately.

Should be sleeping by now. Plan to go for a quick run tomorrow. I'm hiking my 3rd mountain this year (WOW) in 2 weeks. Crazy huh. Never thought I'll be this impulsive - just taking chances and have fun. I only live once. But once is enough if I enjoy it to bits. So here's my effort of enjoying it. Work hard, play harder they said.

Time flew by pretty fast. Mom went home to Surabaya yesterday. Happy and sad - basically this has been my mode in the past 2-3 weeks. Everything is just.... bland. When she's here I was just so mad of seeing her potato-couching all day. I got angry so easily to her due to her inability (and unwillingness) to learn technology. I regret it then. I regret it now. I regret it everyday. I heard her saying sorry for being a handful person while she's here on the last day she was here. I feel like a bad daughter. I mean I know I am.... I just don't anticipate the guilt right after the realization. That moment struck me again - how I love and hate my parents at the same time. I am not fully healed. In fact, I haven't even started healing. Pain demands to be felt they said.

I forgot and slowly let go some of the hard-earned habits I've developed in the past. Two weeks in BSD already now. Not even started walking (my favorite thing in the world), let alone a home workout. No journals. No book-reading. Where was the old me? I slowly losing myself. Not in tune and found hard time adjusting to reality, be present, and just treat feelings as traitors. Accept and just start over they said.

While at work.... everything starts to fall into place. Not the clarity that I need, but my brain is getting better at connecting the dots. Good job, self. And with that understanding, comes all those bigger (and never-ending) tasks. Can't really say I like the role the best, just whatever that helps me pay the bills. But hell yeah I just like the environment that I'm in. CD people are the best, they made me feel accepted. They made me feel more like myself. The law of attraction they said.

While at master's....... habits are slowly vanishing. So does my spirit. And once again I'm here at the crossroad. Met some who are against master's and they remind again how doing masters are just a waste of time. How will you know that the time spent for masters would justify the amount of opportunity you might get while staying at the workplace. Honestly speaking I.... don't know. I just want to learn, explore, share. And yet, what is my objective again? Does it have to be now like NOW? What if you change minds? What about working a little longer just to know myself better to finally choose the best best best major to help me unleash my potential and the potential of others through me? So many questions, so little time to think. While clarity is power they said.

This month I'm turning 25. A day after that, I'll get closer to the big 3 rather than small 2. Oh how could the mini me think 25 me would have everything figured out? She must have lost her mind.