Should be sleeping by now. Plan to go for a quick run tomorrow. I'm hiking my 3rd mountain this year (WOW) in 2 weeks. Crazy huh. Never thought I'll be this impulsive - just taking chances and have fun. I only live once. But once is enough if I enjoy it to bits. So here's my effort of enjoying it. Work hard, play harder they said.
Time flew by pretty fast. Mom went home to Surabaya yesterday. Happy and sad - basically this has been my mode in the past 2-3 weeks. Everything is just.... bland. When she's here I was just so mad of seeing her potato-couching all day. I got angry so easily to her due to her inability (and unwillingness) to learn technology. I regret it then. I regret it now. I regret it everyday. I heard her saying sorry for being a handful person while she's here on the last day she was here. I feel like a bad daughter. I mean I know I am.... I just don't anticipate the guilt right after the realization. That moment struck me again - how I love and hate my parents at the same time. I am not fully healed. In fact, I haven't even started healing. Pain demands to be felt they said.
I forgot and slowly let go some of the hard-earned habits I've developed in the past. Two weeks in BSD already now. Not even started walking (my favorite thing in the world), let alone a home workout. No journals. No book-reading. Where was the old me? I slowly losing myself. Not in tune and found hard time adjusting to reality, be present, and just treat feelings as traitors. Accept and just start over they said.
While at work.... everything starts to fall into place. Not the clarity that I need, but my brain is getting better at connecting the dots. Good job, self. And with that understanding, comes all those bigger (and never-ending) tasks. Can't really say I like the role the best, just whatever that helps me pay the bills. But hell yeah I just like the environment that I'm in. CD people are the best, they made me feel accepted. They made me feel more like myself. The law of attraction they said.
While at master's....... habits are slowly vanishing. So does my spirit. And once again I'm here at the crossroad. Met some who are against master's and they remind again how doing masters are just a waste of time. How will you know that the time spent for masters would justify the amount of opportunity you might get while staying at the workplace. Honestly speaking I.... don't know. I just want to learn, explore, share. And yet, what is my objective again? Does it have to be now like NOW? What if you change minds? What about working a little longer just to know myself better to finally choose the best best best major to help me unleash my potential and the potential of others through me? So many questions, so little time to think. While clarity is power they said.
This month I'm turning 25. A day after that, I'll get closer to the big 3 rather than small 2. Oh how could the mini me think 25 me would have everything figured out? She must have lost her mind.
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