Yearly Annual Reflections: 2022

Haven't made a proper contemplative moment for 2022 so here's a placeholder 🥂

26.

I am turning 26 yesterday. And honestly it was one of the best feeling ever this year.

Entah... banyak banget yang mau diceritakan selama umur 25. Mungkin gak banyak yang diceritain di blog, tapi semua ini rasanya sangat warm dan enlightening. The first 6 months of 25 was the lowest lowest LOWEST point of my life... tapi the second 6 months was... honestly the best. It was the polar of the 2 sides so contrast that it left me thinking how do I get into this duality of emotions of turning 26 and deciding whether being 25 was my best year or not.

Cos honestly it was not my best year yet... if I look into the POV of appreciating the highs of life. But due to the polarity of circumstances & emotions... it was the year I learn very very much about myself. And now that authenticity has become the value I hold dearly, being 25 has been a very much painfully rewarding experience losing and finding myself again.

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I was in the darkest days of my life. I knew how it feels as if I'm worthless. I self-loathe. I blame myself. I beat myself up to the point where my mental pain becomes physical. But that's how I learn that:

1. I learn that I have and will always need other people in my life. I'm gonna need everyone's little something to keep me sane. And it is totally fine to ask for help since I have a band of supportive people around me.
2. I learn to identify & communicate my emotions... and actually speaking up for myself to aim a healthy communication - whatever the outcome may. Crying does not make me weak.
3. I learn more about at what condition my best quality may perform. The difference between good and bad leader, the kinds I'm suitable to work with, the kind I enjoy and not.
4. I learn to let go. I hold grudge over my former boss - yes (if it wasn't him I might have been a manager by now). But I learn that just surviving itself is a big achievement already. So I'm trying to let go. I may have not completely forgiven him, but by day, I know that my depression might not go to waste. Some things are not meant to be. Some setbacks are simply my jumping stones to bigger opportunities with more supportive people later.
5. I learn to have a not little, but BIG compassion to myself and hopefully others. Maybe I'm not as fucked up. Maybe I'm just not compatible. Maybe it's just THEM not being able to see my potentials. Because diamond will always be a diamond.
6. The difficult paths often leads to the most beautiful destination. The past 6 months, I managed to work a job that is very much enjoyable to me. With the best manager & director ever in my career. Responsible for an account I'm proud to call a business partner. I'm able to channel my critical thinking, creativity, and unending energy contributing to the team. I hosted CDAC (the biggest annual CD event). I hosted Dian Sastrowardoyo. I develop my account to a double-digit growth. I bloom, as I should, under the best condition where I a flower would given the best environment.

***

Another period circling the sun. One year older and hopefully wiser.

And to another year living life in crescendo - growing bigger in gratitude, learning, and contribution.

Pelajaran kehidupan dari sekitar.

I know I haven't told you much about my new team here in the office except the fact that I am so loving my current role now. I lost count on how many people told me how different I look now (happier they said) compared to how I was back then. Part of it (well, BIG part of it) is because I have the best team yet ever in my time in Unilever.

Bukan cuma secara profesional, I love how my team shows me how it means to be human. Not just professionals, but as a person with its ever-going battles. To see life as... life. Dengan berbagai macam dinamika hubungan antarteman, saudara, keluarga, dan diri sendiri di dalamnya. Aku belajar banyak sekali dari mereka, and I dont take them and their lessons for granted.

Ada salah satu momen kita makan siang di luar, di Hygge tepatnya, dimana pertama kali Koko Yo dan Bu Jojo cerita tentang kisah cinta mereka. Telling my seemingly sad love life who's been single the past 6 years is okay but not sure about them telling their marriage story - so I was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it's them who started so I was.....hmmmokay. Imma roll with the punches. Kalau aku nggak salah denger dan ingat, Koko Yo sudah menikah 9 tahun. Plus 10 TAHUN pacaran sama istrinya yang sekarang. Bu Jo, nggak jauh beda. Pacarannya 9 TAHUN. So I thought, "Gimana caranya orang-orang bisa pacaran lama sih? Aku pacaran paling lama cuma 8-10 bulan, setahun aja ganyampe?!?!".

Later I learned that they haven't had any child yet. I know this is a very sensitive issue, so I never asked questions about it, karena toh ini personal. I know it's their choice and bukan keharusan juga. Tapi kemudian, tanpa diminta juga, ternyata mereka cerita kalo lagi promil (program hamil). The moment I realized this, I was struck. Aku nggak pernah berada sangat dekat dengan orang yang sedang berusaha punya keturunan. Ini... bukan cuma satu, tapi DUA ORANG sekaligus. Sebagai anak yang punya pengalaman buruk dengan keluarga with its trauma & whatnots dan juga punya kakak yang baru punya bayi dan menyadari BETAPA SULITNYA raising a child, ide punya anak itu sesuatu yang.... besar. I myself am not quite sure if I want to do it myself in the future (mungkin akan berubah jika bertemu partner yg tepat? entah). Tapi akhirnya aku menyadari lagi dan lagi... semua orang tuh... punya battle-nya masing-masing yang sungguh personal. I saw myself gimana Bujo mulai rajin olahraga, dari jalan kaki sampe ikut yoga di kantor. Koko Yo juga gives up drinking & smoking dan nemenin istrinya check up ke RS. All to be able to live a healthier life for them to be able to welcome a life of their own to this world. 

Maskim pun begitu. Only 2 weeks ago juga mas Kim cerita sedikit tentang istrinya... yang orang Arab. Dan seperti keluarga Arab pada umumnya, biasanya harus nikah sama sesama Arab. Tapi maskim bukan keturunan Arab. So it took him 1 year POST marriage to get into his wife's parents. Coba bayangin aja, nikah tapi setaun pertama belum dapet restu. Belum lagi cerita dia pas anaknya sakit dan harus bagi waktu sama istrinya yang kerjaannya fotografer dan kadang harus keluar kota (knowing kerjaan as DAM dan segala tetekbengek administratifnya itu melelahkan). It again fascinates me how seamless (it may seem) for people to juggle work and family when all they do is making sacrifices and compromises on things that matter to them. It fascinates me how much they show me the dynamics of a relationship - which then helps me figure things out on my own how I want my love life would be.

Di umur dimana aku lagi banyak2nya dapet undangan nikah kaya sekarang, mengetahui dinamika hubungan pernikahan dan punya anak ini bikin aku sedikit banyak refleksi sama my current state sekarang. AM I READY FOR ALL THIS? I have been single for the past 6 years. Terakhir aku pacaran (official) itu 2016. Aku susah move on 2 tahun... dan entah. All these family issues dan trauma dari pacaran sebelumnya bikin aku takut jatuh cinta karena takut disakiti. Dan sekarang malah berlanjut dengan kondisi aku sangat bahagia dengan kesendirianku dengan alasan ingin memperbaiki diri lebih dulu. Benar dan nggak salah untuk memprioritaskan diriku sendiri untuk saat ini sambil memperbaiki diri sampai jodohnya dateng, tapi aku takut menghadapi fakta kalo sebenernya aku make alasan ini untuk.... nggak mau mulai sama sekali.

This scares me. How much I've tried to heal but not FULLY healed yet (will we ever?) on this love relationship thing. They said I might overthink, that love sometimes is meant to be FELT, not analysed. That I just need to let. Love. In.

Tapi entahlah... mungkin ini memang butuh waktu. Mungkin juga aku butuh bantuan (considering taking another professional engagement to help me break my own boundaries).... But yea, today I just want to be grateful for the people in my life who gave me meaningful lessons I can take my whole life and I do wish them well in all seasons of their life ❤

A hopeless romantic...

I should be either working for my deck to VP tomorrow or submit promo plan but I spent the past 3 hours lying on my BSD kosan bed instead mindlessly scrolling instagram then twitter then instagram only to realize I'm not looking for anything in particular. I was just escaping - from the void, from my very own confusion.

Since yesterday I was just trying to find the word that best describes my current emotion. It's a mixture of everything at once. I had one of the best week ever in my life with all this Sulawesi trip and the good friends I met along the way (gonna tell you more about this later, blog) and just like what I've mentioned over and over again, I hate leaving places... It scares me how much I attach myself to things & memories that once they're over... I feel like losing myself a bit. And it takes time to help me feel whole again. Not recommended.

But I guess this one's different. I feel like losing myself a bit because of the trip....and because of a new realization..... that I may have fallen for someone unconsciously (but expectedly & foreseeably). Slowly then all at once. In drizzly dawn to stormy night, realizing that 1) It's just not supposed to be 2) It's just too late. I was just to late to question the signs to at least get a closure (tho I know that there is no such thing as closure). This feelings resembles break up, though anticipated. And I just make it worse because I keep on denying and suppressing it: that I should be happy after a wholesome holiday and that I should have seen it coming so that it will not hurt as bad. I felt both - I just am not ready to feel both, at once.

But feelings are feelings and they are valid. I realize that they come in waves and thus I should just learn to ride with it and treat as visitor. Learn to let go of attachments and possessions. Impermanence. In times like this I hope I can hug all parts of me that ache and give them all the extra attention and care I wish somebody else would give. Love them unconditionally feeling secured that in parallel time, my best man is paving his way to me as I work on paving my way to him. Or if he doesn't, at least I give myself the amount of love and respect she deserves for just existing. I am already a wonder.

Oh God why am I such a hopeless romantic.... :(

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The biggest pie in this fragile life...

My head hurts. Of this overflowing vast range of emotions. Didn't expect today to be this kind of Monday, but here we are. I learned so much about life in the past 12 hours...

Today I am reminded again of how fragile and short life is. And in this short but meaningful time, what matters is simply our biggest pie. Hari ini kita meeting cukup intens seharian tentang budget dan target. Such critical objectives. So I thought ok ya just another busy Monday with the all-nighters and whatnots. Yes, I am writing at 2.30am now pulling an all-nighter....but I couldn't work. I couldn't think. I was just numb for the past 6 hours.

Timku sekarang ada empat orang. Mas Kim (Ramayana), aku (Farmers - I haven't told you blog about this), Mba Jo (Tiptop), dan Koko Yo (my LM). Jam 4.30 sore, Mas Kim tiba-tiba izin ke Koko Yo kalo mau pulang duluan. Istrinya sakit, jadi dia harus jemput. Ternyata, Koko Yo bilang "Iya, ini gue juga mau pulang. Oma gue masuk RS, koma.". And so they left at 5pm. It was just me & Mba Jojo casually talking and at 5.30pm she finally said "Gue gabisa mikir, gue balik dulu juga ya." but in didn't happen. Mba Jojo berakhir curhat 1.5 jam cerita tentang keluarganya (which I can relate so well) sampe nangis......

Dengerin cerita mba Jojo tentang keluarganya (yang apparently mirip, unfortunately) bikin aku menyadari. Enam bulan terakhir, ada dua temanku yang ternyata mengalami hal serupa denganku. This gives me such relief: bahwa aku nggak sendiri. Dan aku sadar (lebih tepatnya disadarkan kembali), kalau setiap orang itu punya battle-nya masing-masing yang nggak mereka ceritakan keras-keras. Jadi..  jadi orang bener-bener harus baik deh. Kita gatau cerita dan lukanya lain sedalem apa that they do what they do. Until one realizes their pain, they become more aware to stop it. Otherwise, it'll come in full circles - viscious cycle.

Sore ini aku menyaksikan the power of a family. How one can be the source of the greatest strength, but also greatest sorrow. But still it's worth more than our job. If life were a pie, today I witnessed how people are just choosing the biggest piece of pie they want to have. Our life revolves around our biggest pie and that clearly shows our reason of being. And thus that is our purpose.

And now that I realize again and again that life is just so delicate....I really wish I can embrace each passing second with the best of any emotions. Of only love, excitement, and gratitude. My time is so precious I want to spend it in the best way possible: with my biggest pie in life where I get to call them home 🤍

"Setelah aku tahu bentuknya waktu itu adalah Zalina, sekarang aku hanya ingin hidup selambat-lambatnya dan merasakan sebanyak-banyaknya."

(Raisa, 2022)

A Proud Tita.

I haven't posted much hearty post this year. The previous ones was just formals. Tonight I'm feeling a little (well, a lot) blue. So maybe, it is time...

There are SO many going on in my head right now. Today's Monday. Should have been a busy one - it's after long Eid holiday anyway. But today I felt very call, so at peace, at ease.

Among many roles that I have in my life, one that I'm most proud of is becoming an aunt. I never thought I'd have this much fun doing/being so. Well this role is not earned, it is given. But I'm handling it with care. Part of it because not many have the privilege, but most of it is because I get to be an aunt of my cute, smart boy, Zafran.

I never knew I could love a nephew this much. He's always been the highlight of my day, the cherry to my ice cream. I didn't get to see him growing up insiden my sis' belly, but pandemic got me watch him growing up from a little baby to such a warm boy that he is. It has really been a blessing accompanying him from just 3 months to a 2y4mo toddler.

Zafran changed my family in a way that is unforeseeable. He bonds us. He's the reason we stick together. He's the reason we go back hometown. He gives us home - a place to turn to. How can such little soul gives meaning again to what's already broken: my family. He's my little angel, our little angel.

The concept of time has really been abstract. The day we turned teenager, young adults, and now real adult, we stopped counting seconds. Life just happens. It's fleeting by so easily. But for a newborn, one day makes all the difference. Yesterday they cried, today they crawled, tomorrow they learned to stand up. The next day they started to walk. In no time, they're running around saying "Tita puwang anek keyeta. Ada 'niknuk-niknuk' cama 'tengteng'. Adek boleh ikut?". And suddenly you find yourself crying for the pure innocent love & curiosity you just witnessed before you.

Days are long but years are short they say. Tita loves being your auntie, Zafran. Tita berdoa semoga Zafran tumbuh jadi anak baik dan penuh cinta.

Finish Line.

There's this one value I've always held dearly in my heart: to finish what I've started, however tough & bumpy the road gets. Today, March 31, 2022, I finished my UFLP game. Strong.

On negative terms: I am deemed not promotable due to lack of data analysis capability.

On positive terms: I have found what seemingly is my forte - the one I enjoy & where my magic outshines, through what seemingly is a journey of pain.

I'm more self-aware and intentional now and that definitely is a gain. A big gain.

Plus, getting to know these people & the true ones who stay with me along the way.

On life that is like a train...

Raline Shah on her recent instagram post wrote something so beautifully written about life that couldn't have been said any better.

"Tak terasa film perdana ini main di bioskop genap satu dekade yang lalu. Sejak itu banyak sekali yang telah berubah. Mengingatkan saya bahwa setiap hari momen yang kita lewati tidak akan terjadi dua kali dengan situasi yang sama. Fedi, Junot dan saya juga dari setiap hari bareng jadi hampir tidak pernah punya kesempatan untuk bareng lagi. I often feel like my life is like a train. The train picks up passengers along the way, colleagues, friends, acquaintances and for the duration of the journey that you are heading the same direction, you have a chance to connect. The depth of that connection doesn’t decide their next destination or yours, but what a gift to be able to be on this train and have the opportunity to connect with so many incredible human beings. To learn and grow from each others stories and shared experiences.

@herjunotali.studio was the first person to get casted and what a character! Idealistic, opinionated, chic and quirky. We talk about everything, no reservations, and also often argue but manage to always agree to a disagree.

The last person to be casted became one of my best friends on the shoot. @fedinuril was the epitome of a gentlemen and an exemplary human being. He taught me so much about the art of acting, Islam and became my best duet partner to date.

So many days and nights during the filming and the promo tour spent together. Back then the less mature and naïve version of me thought that the bonds made and good times would never end. Many times we had opportunities to get deeper but we took for granted that things would stay the same so why bother.

Looking back now with fond memories, feelings of gratitude and a pinch of regret. Live in the moment and cherish the present bonds. Semua yang berkondisi pasti akan berubah❤️"

Some place on this blog, I took an excerpt somewhere and add some of my words; about how we are a mosaic of the people we've loved, a fragment of everyone we've ever met. We are ourselves, but not quite ourselves. We are absorbing and reflecting all that is reflected to us, in our own way - authenticity.

I've met so many people in my life that I crossed path with along my journey. My childhood friends, the friends I keep since junior high, the ex-lovers, the almost-lovers, the friendship I made during specific time in my life that broadened my perspective and helped me understand life itself in rose-colored glass or so. When everything was so good, the moment was so perfect, my head kept thinking that the bond would last and my mind believed in it. It was denial. I knew for sure that like how human beings are river, life is like a train. As I change the direction of my water, some passengers are getting off of my train. It is okay. It is not a shame (that might show I'm incompetent at keeping friendship). That is just how life is.

Destinations change. People part. And our train will keep wandering while absorbing all the beautiful views there is...

My idea of love.

 

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Solace.

Among many things I can witness, touch, feel... most that I am most grateful for is nature. The world and His creatures. The greens. The blues. The reds. Falling leaves, waving ocean, golden sand.

Nature heals almost anything. It transcends comfort & tranquility.