2023: Annual Reflections Part 1.

I keep telling myself to write yearly annual reflections for 4 days now (writing this at January 4th and not Dec 31st) but I betrayed my own words. Last year I put a placeholder and told myself to write once I had the time only to skip the errand and finally gave up the idea of writing reflections if the moment had gone long enough for me to remember the details. I've just re-read my 2021 reflections and tbh it feels heavenly to acknowledge my own growth.

So this year I'm keeping my pinky promise so my future self would re-live this moment.

Hello older Bethari, this one's for you. Prompts are from here.

1. Describe the year of 2023, how was it for you?

Wow. I love talking about this. I've said it in many platforms but I'm saying it again. My 2023 motto is "No plans, only options" and wow oh wow I've got so (too) many options nearing EoY. The year is all about UNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES!!! I started the year unsure of my own resolutions... guess what? I didn't even make one for myself. And guess what?? I think this year just DELIVERS.

• I didn't plan to buy a property; I ended up buying my current 2BR little space in lovely Cisauk on Aug 2023.  
• I only planned to go to Nepal (and maybe Philippines - I've bought the ticket via Mas Angger since 2022) starting 2022 but turned out I travelled to 6 countries alone (Nepal, Malaysia, Thailand, Philippines, Hongkong, and Macau) this year!! And 5 of them were new countries!!!! Crazy????!!?!
• I didn't plan to study further career at yoga turned out I signed up for a 0-hr YTT coming on Jan-Feb 2024. 
• I didn't set any career goals this year... yet I received Future CEO award at SPM Annual Conference, got Best Supplier at Ranch Recognition Award, and ending the year with Klub Juara at H2 2023. Wild wild career ride.
• I didn't plan to pursue master's anytime soon... but life gave me surprises over surprises that by the end of 2024... I've taken my IELTS test, on the way to craft my essays, and plan to apply for SIPA MPA-DP for Fall 2024. Life is so... funny? 
• I've always wanted to dye my hair pink and blue and get my ears pierced not only one or two or three... IT'S FIVE. 

I think the list could go on for pages but these are what have been the highlights of this year.

2. Who have you become this year?

I have spent the past several minutes thinking about the best to answer this but I still can't come to conclusion... It's been an utmost privilege to realize that I am just so comfortable with myself that I could confidently say I.... become myself this year. I am asserting my needs, feelings, and concerns to the table for others to consider. No sugarcoating. No masks. I have always been and will always be me. And this confidence alone has gone me far. I am acknowledging my worth, attracting what I want/need, reclaiming my energy, radiating warmth and hope like I always do. Authenticity is truly a magnet.

3. What have you learnt about yourself this year?

I am a strong, kind, beautiful lady and worthy of all the love in the world and I respect myself by walking away from whoever who doesn't value me and my quirks. To be able to attain this level of self-esteem and confidence is a long winding journey and I won't let anybody makes me beg for any bare minimum only to fill in my empty glass.

4. What made your heart and soul happy this year?

All of my travelling days... no doubt. This year I embody the only animal I'd think about when describing myself: a bird. I would even carve "Kalingga" (Sanskrit version of bird) as tattoo if only Islam'd let me.

Describe 3 of your best memories from this year!
What do you want to leave in 2023 and head into 2024 free from?
If you had to choose one word for the year 2023, what would it be and why?

To sit with this sadness and all...

It is that time of the year for Spotify Wrapped 2023... and here I am still the same hopeless romantic heartbroken sad autumn girl sitting at the backburner. My top artist is still Taylor Swift and as I type this, La La Lost You from Niki is playing on the background. This, then Oceans and Engines, The Apartment We Won't Share, and All of the Girls You Loved Before, will be playing afterwards.... Each song has its own story why it makes to my Top Songs.

Sometimes Spotify Wrapped will not only depicts what kind of arts (songs or artists, basically) you enjoy or appreciate much.. it shows what story you resonate most with the lyrics and who you think about when the song plays. Oh, arts...

It's Thursday evening as I'm writing. I have IELTS course on 7pm and I haven't made my homework. I had all day slacking because today we had SPM huddle and days were never productive with all these kinds of WFC stuffs. Went home at 4pm with the good news that Titir had finally made it official with one of our highschool friend whom we talked and laughed about over a late-night convo shivering at Chomrong, Annapurna, until our stomach hurt (Allah Maha Membolak-balikkan Hati). I should be giving feedbacks for the interior design for my new apartment but it's been abandoned for almost 3 months now and I hate myself for that. I think about my upcoming yoga teacher training on Jan. Oh the thrill and anxiety. The Master's prep... I have official IELTS test in 3 weeks and I am not even 80% ready. I promise myself to catch up on the next 2 weeks on each skill but I keep betraying it. I hate myself for that 2.0. My dad is having health issue with his back and I'm taking care of him (from afar) now. I binge-eat and ate too much carbs and less protein lately. I blame myself for sleeping 7+ hours and postponing every office-related to-do-lists the past one week disguised as "closing" when in reality I just... couldn't function. I am so tired. I try to balance everything. Yoga and work and Masters and.... life. But I can't. Aku capek and I just want to cry but my tears won't shed.

It's my second day of period. Maybe it's hormones but I doubt it. I have so much happening around. I acknowledge the fact that not all things deserve my attention but this monkey mind won't cooperate. So many are triggering now and I am so so triggered and I hate myself for that 3.0...

Please please if I name-drop here don't come at me I just love what they have for them I just hate myself that I'm triggered with the feelings --> meaning that I have unfinished business with myelf on that matter that needs healing/closure (for myself) ajasih...

• PR feedback interior udah 3 bulan mangkrak padahal kamar udah bener-bener butuh lemari karena aku males. Kenapa males? Karena udah ke-disctract hal lain (S2, dll). Dan mikirin biaya interior juga.
• Nyak lolos Columbia & LPDP aku jadi menyadari kalo aku tuh sbenernya juga pengen S2 tapi terlalu takut aja --> I end up chasing it tapi dengan segala persiapan dan ketakutanku sendiri rasanya capek banget di-darderdor dari segala sisi bahkan dari dalem diri.
• Karena poin di atas, jadi bener-bener gak semangat kerja. Udah bener2 males extra miles dan begadang alhasil kerjaan banyak pending. Udah di level uninspired dan melihat pekerjaan ini stuck (padahal mungkin belum tentu).
• Karena poin kedua di atas lagi.. aku jadi harus banyak sacrifice waktu lain-lain untuk prep S2. Aku gak masalah tapi aku juga sedih jd gak banyak yoga lagi (yoga has saved my life so much). Dan jadi mikir ini YTT Januari nanti bisa gak ya... Kalopun udah lulus mau ngajar dimana coba??? Apakah aku cocok jadi guru? Bisa? Ada yg mau aku ajar? Oh so many questions in my head.
• Titir udah official sama * dan ini sedikit banyak bikin aku reminiscing aku sama Aris dulu. Nama grup kita "Didekatkan Jodoh 2023" karena aku hampir jadi sama Aris tapi akhir 2023 kok malah Titir yg jadi wkwkw (sumpah I'm so so so happy for her tp bener-bener jd ketrigger aja). Kenapa ke-trigger? Karena aku sangat sangat sangat berharap sama Aris kemarin... padahal udah tau itu ga akan jadi. I broke my own expectation. Dan bener-bener mikir salahku apa ya Ya Tuhan... Pengen punya pacar kok susah banget. Mau jatuh cinta dan mempersilahkan orang mencintaiku aja susah banget gitu... Udah jatuh cinta kenapa gabisa jadi (it's been happening 2-3 times!!!). Kayak... apakah aku emang susah dicintai? Apa yg harus aku perbaiki (banyak sih).. Tapi terus harus gimana ya Allah...
• And the list goes on and on and on....

So in this gloomy Thursday evening I just want to sit with this sadness and all the contradictory feelings. I have so many questions... but I'm pouring them into the oceans and I'm starting up my engine.... ((soalnya abis ini harus ngerjain PR sebelum les IELTS)) :(

2023 tinggal sebulan kalau ada yang mau datang ke hidupku menawarkan pelukan sedalam-dalam sehangat-hangatnya pelukan akan aku sambut dengan sukacita karena aku...butuh ditenangkan. Ya Allah.. aku janji aku akan selalu belajar supaya jadi lebih baik untuk diriku dan sekitarku.. tolong jodohku jangan lama-lama datengnya aku bener-bener butuh dipeluk dan dielus tangannya dikasi tau "Bethari, you are doing great and you will be okay." huhuhu.....

When memory pokes in...

In life we come across many companions who will help us on our journeys, will accompany us through change. Some stay for longer than others. I once read somewhere:

what is grief, if not love persevering?

words: Nix at substack 

I’ll be full and happy and we can part.

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Hard pills to swallow (on closure).

Beberapa minggu terakhir ada satu hal yang cukup membuatku termenung dan ber-refleksi cukup dalam.

Rabu minggu lalu aku sama Iyak ke IKEA. Niatnya beli rak jemuran, tapi sebenernya aku emang pengen jalan-jalan ke IKEA aja. I didn't know why - but later I found out (my feeling was so strong that day). Weekend sebelumnya sebenernya udah kesana sama Bumble Boy, but I didn't really enjoy my time there karena gaada particular agenda dan gak pengen2 banget cuci mata pas itu so we spent most of the time conversing instead of lihat-lihat dan itu....draining...banget (the reason why I keep on refusing when he asked me out every weekend: I am so tired to catch up with new people, my social battery to expose myself to complete stranger - the need to explain myself, and to observe the other party is now running out of energy).

There was nothing special that day until.... I saw Aris. With his new girl (I'm assuming). And they were holding hands.

This scene felt....familiar. Reminded me of the days when it was ME he'd ask for furniture recos or new places to explore and it was MY hand he was holding. My heart rushed and pumped of the thoughts that he might find out we were in this very same place and time, unintentionally. Of the thoughts whether I should greet him or not. And if yes, how. And if not... would I regret. And most of all - the confusion driving me down on WHAT TO FEEL. Should I be happy to finally see him again ('cause yes there's this tiny part of me that is happy)? Or should I be sad of the scene I just saw before me?

The most terrifying part was in those split seconds... I started to think that there must have been something wrong with me that he left and moved on so fast. Yes I moved on pretty well this time, but feelings and grief comes in waves. Not only that he is the man in I picture in my Last Kiss and my august, he is also the man I picture in Renegade and Better Man. He was the man whose arms I could still feel at 1.58AM, the one who was never mine to lose, whose damage damaged me, who I thought would've been the one if only he was a better man... I thought about our potentials and the what-ifs and what could have been had we were still together. We. Were. Almost. Lovers. Saying we aren't is like saying that the sky ain't blue.

So I greeted him. With a big smile, one side hoping he'd see how happy and unbothered I am with our status the last time we met. I didn't know if I really mean it... but past this unprecedented encounter... my feelings messed up real bad.

***

Beberapa minggu lalu juga Nabil menikah, sama pacar dia setelah aku. And so I thought: oh gini ya rasanya jadi the one before The One? Kayak yang Mamuy pernah bilang. "Itu tuh bikin aku mikir, kenapa ya dia bisa serius dan mau menikahi cewe itu tapi pas sama aku dia nggak seyakin itu?" Terlepas ada kemungkinan bahwa some things really were not meant to be, pemikiran ini sangat distortif terhadap caraku melihat diriku. I doubt my worth. Seandainya aku nggak se-self aware itu mungkin aku masih terjebak dalam kesedihan berkepanjangan kalau mungkin memang AKU yang salah, aku yang kurang, dan aku yang susah dicintai. 

Hal ini gak cuma utk relasi romantis. Bahkan untuk konteks pekerjaan pun beberapa hal jadi triggering. Sebagai satu-satunya UFLP yang sampe 2.5 tahun tapi nggak jadi manager, ngelihat temen2 naik duluan rasanya hati kayak dirobek-robek. Rasanya susah banget untuk nggak nginget lagi momen 8 bulan terkelam dalam hidupku. Nangis-nangis sambil kerja tiap hari under manager kayak gitu seakan nggak ada artinya. Susah untuk nggak bandingin diri. Susah untuk berusaha husnuzon dan nggak membuat skenario semacam "coba kalo mereka ada di posisiku waktu itu apakah mereka akan survive juga?" atau sebaliknya "coba kalo aku yang di posisi mereka skrg aku juga udah naik manager pasti." Meskipun aku tau everything happens for a reason dan aku tau suatu hari all those hard years sebenarnya sedang mempersiapkanku untuk sesuatu yang lebih besar di kemudian hari... rasanya memang susah banget untuk benar-benar memaaafkan oknum RM dan melanjutkan hidup dengan normal seakan nggak pernah terjadi apa-apa. Because clearly, there WAS something happening and all things I'm doing today, my career, my achievement at work, semuanya stuck (well, I can say) karena dia. Now I need to climb 2x harder than my friends despite having gone the same bloody 2.5 years. It is painful. Still was, still is, forever be.

***

The thing about life is that it is cruel.

I still remember the day my then-boyfriend refused to see me at campus making me believe that I was unworthy of being called his girlfriend. I still remember the days I pulled an all-nighter meeting unrealistic deadlines that shitty boss be giving me only to be wasted as un-potential talent making me believe that maybe I really am NOT qualified to be promoted. I still remember the days I asked to handle my heart with care (to which he said yes) only to got left on read making me believe that maybe I really am NOT worthy of commitment and healthy relationship.

Malem itu aku banyak banget mikir... some people can really go on with their lives like nothing ever happened without knowing how badly they've hurt me and shifted my life completely. They've got new life, new job, new partner while I am right where they left me, just as miserable, still collecting all the broken pieces and mend it altogether...all by myself. Of all the damages they made. 

So here's to all heartbroken souls out there still thriving life to work out as we want it to be. May we find closure (within ourselves) about people/things that hurt us that we don't talk outloud. May they find their happiness.. as much as us finding our own peace of mind.

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Self-love tai kucing

Been limiting myself from outside distractions for over a week now. Cukup berhasil karena sudah lumayan bisa mengendalikan kebutuhan untuk mindless scrolling IG meskipun jadinya malah switching ke Tiktok dan Twitter. But I consider it OK karena di Twitter agendanya cari hiburan dan berita, dan di Tiktok agendanya membiasakan diri dengan konten, platform, dan cara kerjanya sampai nanti beneran udah siap untuk seriusin konten jalan-jalan.

So.. I just had a session with my therapist tonight. Dalam sebulan terakhir, aku sudah 3x ketemu psikolog. Online (lewat aplikasi Bicarakan.ID btw, just in case), tapi so far sangat membantu. Dan setelah mengalami beberapa sesi, I could say kalo psikolog-ku yang sekarang ini enak banget, indikatornya: ngobrol kayak temen (sejam ga berasa), obrolannya mengalir (sehingga aku nggak merasa tertekan utk cari topik dan penggalian topik/isu di diriku menjadi lebih natural), dan sarannya SPOT ON. And when I say spot on.... aku berasa ditampar. She just stated the issues I'm too afraid to face.

I've been in the overwhelming spectrum of emotions post-broken heart. Seeing my pattern, usually it takes so long in me to move on from a romantic relationship. Apalagi ditambah kisah cinta yang barusan yang too good to be true, I kinda expect myself to move on lama. Ternyata... engga (I somehow feel proud of this achievement tho). I feel so much better now. And I owe it to my therapist.

Hubungan terakhir ini sedikit banyak membukakanku pada diriku. Tentang banyak unfinished business yang masih gantung dan baggage yang harus diberesin kalo aku pengen punya healthy relationship dalam konteks apapun. Dalam dua sesi terakhir, aku belajar banyak banget tentang diriku setelah ter-trigger dalam hubunganku sama Aris (akhirnya sebut nama, cape pake kata ganti orang ketiga wkwkw). Di satu sisi, rasanya aku pengen nyalahin dia banget3x tapi di sisi lain gamau victim mentality juga dan menyadari kalo berakhirnya hubungan (tanpa status) ini juga akibat aku yang belum bener-bener pulih dari isuku dengan diriku. Dan baru akhirnya malam ini aku menyadari bahwa isu terbesarku dengan diriku sendiri adalah....

SELF-RESPECT.

Pas bahas ini sama psikolog-ku rasanya kayak tertampar. I thought I was one hella friend out there who showcases so much self-love and self-respect... turns out... NO?! My ego is hijacked.

Pertemuan pertama dengan psikolog ini dilakukan dalam survival mode. I was crying the whole day over this one guy (iykyk) and beat myself up to the point where I feel like losing myself. Pas itu lebih banyak bahas tentang attachment style dan impact-nya ke relasiku dengan Aris. How I'm such an anxious dater and how it turned out to be to be meeting with such (allegedly) avoidant partner. The result? Utter disappointment. Sedangkan di pertemuan kedua barusan, lebih banyak bahas gimana caranya supaya aku bisa break the pattern dan bener-bener ngeliat gimana hal ini ternyata impact-nya ga cuma ke relasi percintaan tapi ke semua lini kehidupan termasuk pekerjaan dan pertemanan.

As an anxious dater myself, I always put too much weight on how others see myself. And base my worth on what they think. Maksudnya: "Aku merasa berharga/bagus/keren, kalau dia/mereka lagi baik/memuji aku." Akibatnya bahaya, kalau mereka nggak baik atau nggak memuji aku, aku merasa aku tidak berharga. Padahal belum tentu??? Pada akhirnya, aku akan seperti kerbau dicocok hidungnya bagi orang2 yang sayang/aku ingin impress sehingga aku akan menoleransi mereka untuk hal yang aku sebenernya nggak nyaman.... alias AKU GAPUNYA HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

Ada konsep namanya gelas afeksi. Afeksi ini bentuknya macem2, ada cinta, penerimaan, recognition, dll. Apapun sebabnya, gelasku ini either kosong atau tidak terisi dengan ideal. Sehingga bukannya memenuhinya dengan afeksi yang aku bangun sendiri, aku mengandalkan orang lain untuk mengisi gelas itu. Dan ini sangat tricky, karena perasaan "terpenuhi" gelasnya ini enak dan menyenangkan, sehingga ada tendensi bahwa I will crave for more and will keep doing it yang bisa jadi awal dari toxic relationship. The thing is: gaada healthy relationship yang PIC utama pengisi gelasnya (pemberi afeksi) itu BUKAN si pemilik gelasnya (diri sendiri). Terlepas dari Aris dan isu komitmennya (and it's never my job to fix his issues anyway), satu reminder yang cukup menohok setiap aku mulai ter-trigger memori tentang dia adalah: JANGAN SAMPAI MELANGGAR PRINSIPKU SENDIRI HANYA AGAR GELASNYA DIISI. Do not ever lose myself trying not lose anyone.

I saw it coming. I knew since the very beginning that despite the potential that it holds, we are not going to work. I know he's gonna leave and I'm gonna get hurt. We were always walking on thin ice that could break any damn time. But I ignored when everyone said "Run!" and was in complete denial blinded by love (is it? or is it an obsession instead?) and the illusion that apparently a guy exactly my type hiked the Himalayas, liked me, and I liked him back. Oh what a Cinderella story that's never going to happen.

Jadi gimana?

Jawabannya adalah aku harus tau bahwa aku berharga. To know my worth despite what people say. Aku harus belajar melakukan sesuatu UNTUK DIRIKU SENDIRI. Bukan untuk siapa-siapa. Bukan untuk membuktikan apapun. Dalam kalimat praktikal: Aku melakukan ini karena aku senang membantu kamu/sayang padamu, bukan agar kamu mengganggapku ada. Atau kalau dalam konteks pekerjaan: Aku melakukan pekerjaan ini/begadang, bukan untuk impress bosku atau orang lain, tapi karena aku mau belajar dan harus selesai hari ini.

Sebagai produk UFLP dan keluarga disfungsional yang dianggap berharga kalau kita berhasil meraih penghargaan akademis yang "bisa diukur mata", melakukan sesuatu bukan dengan niat ingin membuktikan ternyata sangat susah. And I didn't realize how hard it is until I came out of it. It's engraved in my mind, subconsciously affecting my decision-making process. Scary.

And the route to respecting myself has always been: understanding myself.

• What are my values?
• What is okay and what is not?
• Why could I be very stubborn on my non-negotiables and VERY tolerable on some others?
• What needs do I try to fulfill while being tolerable over my boundaries?
•  And why is it so?
• Is there alternative to replace the bad habit with other ones?

***

Well so many realizations, so many homeworks. I think that's the thing about therapy and learning about yourself every single day. You're finally aware of the blind spots you've been missing. This is why humans are complex beings and why we're always a work in progress.

Knowing thyself is journey of a lifetime.

Adrenaline escapism.

Sabtu lalu aku menyadari sebuah (not so new) fact tentang diriku bahwa... empat Sabtu terakhir aku habiskan di empat negara berbeda. Terdengar seperti hidup jetset ala Nia Ramadhani tapi percayalah ini hanya kombinasi emosiku yang impulsif + tiket murah + teman2 menyenangkan yang susah ditolak. So the rest is history (at least for me):

• Indonesia: Mendaki Gunung Gede di Sabtu, 13 Mei
• Filipina: Muter-muter Intramuros & National Museum of Philippines di Sabtu, 20 Mei
• Hongkong: Barusan mendarat di HK International Airport di Sabtu, 27 Mei
• Makau: Teler abis jalan 23ribu langkah dan siap2 nyebrang kembali ke HK di Sabtu, 3 Juni

Rasanya gila sih. Iya senang dan bahagia dan excited.. tapi kayak melayang. Thought I'd give myself a full rest this weekend.. ternyata harus survey ke Sentul with bapack2 untuk acara MT Wellbeing (just another episode acara wellbeing kantor yang mengorbankan wellbeing panitia, brutally speaking). Fix Sabtu malem aku akan pijet #nonnegotiables.

And then there's this big realization, especially after my latest heartbreak... bahwa all these impulsive trip decisions... was actually trauma responses. I made the decisions during my survival mode. The fact that my parents are planning on divorce (I saw it coming but never got into terms the way it should be until recently), the work that keeps piling up on endless shits to fix (alias bak laundry kotor yang se-la-lu nam-bah), the hanging decision whether to buy the apartment or not (more like am I ready for the commitment or not) and being on the verge of losing myself because I don't wanna lose someone (who had evoked the butterflies feeling I haven't felt for a while hence the attachment)..... create this big storm inside that I am not ready to face and settle with.... causing me to operate and function in the state where I rely on quick fixes for escapisms. The quick fixes happen to be the adrenaline rush in impulsive trips with friends. To Nepal (well this one's not impulsive), to Gn. Gede, to Manila, to Hongkong, and to Makau.... risking a little bit of my credibility at work disguised as days off. Now I'm left with exhaustions - physically and mentally.

Cape sih... cape lari. Dari masalah. Now all is crumbling. My parents are still on track on the divorce plan, kerjaan gak berkurang malah makin banyak (nangis banget tiap inget berapa SKP dan revisinya yg harus dibikin, all these non-added value tasks I need to make on daily basis ARGGHHHH), keputusan untuk beli apartment yang masih menggantung juga, dan..... fakta bahwa aku juga tetap ditinggalkan dan patah hati oleh seseorang yang aku pikir akan berbeda.... menyadarkanku kalau... memang rasanya aku HARUS menghadapi semua ini. Gabisa lari lagi. I need to take care of the poops.

So I'm seeing therapists again now. And uninstalling instagram (kadang masih liat via browser, well it takes time). Mau membereskan perihal hati yang selalu overthinking dan anxious (yang mungkin menyebabkan aku selalu ditinggalkan). Banyak berdiskusi lagi sama diri sendiri dengan rajin meditasi dan nulis jurnal lagi. Memperbaiki hidup dengan mulai rajin jalan kaki dan denger podcast bagus lagi. Dan.... mengapresiasi hal-hal kecil di hidupku. Merasa cukup dengan yang ada saat ini, even without the grandeur things seperti jalan-jalan ke gunung tinggi atau keluar negeri hanya untuk self-satisfaction semata. Iya mereka menyenangkan, tapi kalau tujuannya untuk lari dari masalah... they mean nothing.

Sekarang rasanya masih banyak anxious-nya. I really need to work on my anxiety bcs it literally is killing me slowly. Lelah banget rasanya jadi orang yang selalu kepikiran berlebih dan making up stories that only happen on my head. It's okay, self, you are safe. You are not in a rush. You are not left behind. You got this.

Tahun ini umurku akan menginjak 27 tahun. Selalu merasa aneh dan gak pantes bertambah umur, terutama di umur-umur late 20s where I thought I would have had everything figured out. Well I dont. I have NOTHING figured out. Karir? It's giving me safety net but I'm not a manager yet while my friends are already are (dengan kata lain: I am left behind). Keluarga? My family crumbled. Jodoh? No one seems to come near as I'm still recovering from the scars.

But figuring things out is a lifetime journey. And 27 is just the new 22: happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical. Let's just dance then... while the magic lasts. Semangat Bethari.

A lifetime in a night.

 

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Break, and burn, and end.

The thing about letting myself fall again is the fact that I'll blame myself harder if everything doesn't work out in the end (it's always me). And no matter how experienced I am, heartbreak will break just as much. And I will never be prepared enough for the ache that comes with it. All love ever does is break, and burn, and end. And until someone proves me otherwise... I may never believe in it again.

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Would you?

Butterflies on the stomach, stolen stares on the sidewalks, and fingers intertwined on quick encounters. They say these moments are the best ones to die for.... even if tomorrow's never promised. And if it really is... how do you store all these manual instructions about someone you once kept so dearly but would never use anymore?

***********

So my dear, would you try as much as I will?

If it never lasts...

"Saya pulang hari itu, pulang sekolah. Saya mandi. Saya basahin seluruh rambut saya, sampai pada akhirnya.. saya harus keringin. Mau sampai kapan rambut ini basah? Saya ambil hairdryer. Keluar anginnya. Zzzzzzzzzz. Keluar anginnya. Bising sekali! Bising sekali! Zzzzzzzz. Hilang nggak ya rasa bedanya? Nggak sih! Zzzzzzzzz. Hilang nggak yah? Masih nggak enak rasanya. Gapapa deh. Yang penting rambut saya kering dan saya nggak bisa mendengar kepala saya sendiri..."

Dian Sastrowardoyo, The Tonight Show

Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts?

The guy I met in Himalaya.

Last Friday marks a week since my latest big heartbreak. No, not to the guy I mentioned on my last January post nor June last year post. It's the guy I just met a month ago.... in Himalaya. If this was a movie, this would make a great opening line. But I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending. We parted ways, after what seems to be one of the most wondrous, heartwarming, wholesome trip and unexpectedly, one and only affair, I've ever had in my life. Month of butterflies, playful laughs, exchanged sights, innocent pats on the back, and sweet nothings. Ah the joy of being in love again.

It was Friday. He picked me up at 5 and we drove to the mall. The reckless me left my apartment key upstairs so I needed to walk up to the 29th floor all over again in which he said "Kebiasaan..". By now I learn that he loves pastries and coffee, it made sense when he said he wanted to eat one famous pastry shop he'd been eyeing on here. Last time I grabbed proper pastries was one down in Kathmandu, with him. He is such a sweet tooth apparently. Now that I think about it through, it wasn't even a month since we both first met, but all these little details we learned about each other?

So we walked... and walked... and window-shopped till I've forgotten all their names, 'cause honestly speaking... I was preparing myself for the worst that night. Later I learned he did too. We met two times after the Himalaya scenes, one in Jakarta where I came to visit him, and then that he thought he owed me something, he paid the visit to my place. Both were... fun. Except the latter where we had rather difficult convo. But fun, still (!). Nights that I enjoy being in the company of someone else's. Basically a stranger I've grown my heart into. I caught him looking at me several times, in which I tried not get myself too awkward and managed my heart to NOT fall too deep. But I think I failed. I've fallen already. I still can't look him in the eye. From the first day we met at Tribuvan airport, to sharing the same car to the hotel, to very short convo here and there prior to Pokhara trip, it wasn't until several days later that I paid a generous look to this guy and thought that I might use the last spare in my heart to take the chance and fall for someone again. And so we hiked. For 6-days straight. And for the following days and nights that flew in a blink of an eye. 24x7 times that he would walk in front/behind/beside me for two weeks, with some deep talks, quick convo, and perky jokes in between.

Time is a unique confusing concept of relativity. Two weeks is such a short period of time - but in this case, long enough for me to decide that... I like this guy. And in the following 2 weeks that we kept in touch, the "like" might have grown into "love". A word I have always avoided for the pain that comes with it.

I'm a hopeless romantic. Them gestures that he showed me just brought up that little soft heart of mine... unexpectedly. As Rihanna said that you'll find love in the hopeless place, we might as well find love when we least expect it. Like, Annapurna. I think this was one time that I realize the last time I let someone see this vulnerable part of mine was.... too long ago already (that I forgot when). So I let him take a good care of me - while I was cold-shivering, sick, asleep, rained on, and ran out of rupee. Apparently Bethari is not the independent woman anymore, and she was totally OKAY with that. I guess there is always that one moment that you just let those masks went away cause you feel safe and protected. And that was the time.

Maybe I took it too seriously and he took it very casually... but it is what it is.

So the next 2-3 weeks we kept on talking. Sharing our day, our life, our work, our friends... that I become familiar with his things. He would do yoga on Monday, and basketball on Wednesday and Friday. And he would ask me which circle I'm going bukber with that day, the more that I went out, the more I let him know my friends, my life before him. Are we becoming each other's part of life that time onwards? We may.

So later in the night we talked. Over the lake, over the moonshine. After the cinnamon roll & croissant hour when we shared the table for an iftar date, then grocery date, then the "difficult talk" date. But....was it even a date if somebody's in the game taken already?

So later in the night we talked. How he fell for me, and how I fell for him. How he made me feel, and how I made him feel. How this relationship might bloom or...die. And it was the latter, for both of us. So the date night became the closure night. I cried and he held my back. Apparently I am now the augustine girl who canceled the plan just in case he'd call singing "you weren't mine to lose" from the top of her lungs. Thinking how stupid I was for letting my heart fall and break again, like it never for once did.

I thought time was taking its sweet time erasing him. Turned out.... it wasn't. I checked up on him several times a day and a dear friend noticed how my eyes lighted up when I talked about the affairs. She said "Beth, for once... Kamu mau coba dengerin hatimu daripada kata orang nggak perihal cinta?"

So I did. And I'm happy I did.

We met again yesterday. It was Sunday. Happy, happy Sunday. His name finally popped up again on my screen. That smile. Those eyes (that I can never look back more than 5 seconds otherwise I'd fall). I play the scenes countless times in my brain today. When you're in love your brain is occupied with the trivial things about them, like how he loves doing his hair up with the pomade than the kid-like bangs style that you prefer (it's because of the impression he said, understandable). Like the way he takes notes of your random facts so he won't forget. Like the way you take candid picture & videos of him as smooth as possible so he won't notice....

I thought I would never believe in love and experience butterflies in my stomach again. But apparently, with a guy that I just met 1.5 month ago I did. Wholeheartedly. He asked to keep my expectation low 'cause we don't know what the future holds. Well nobody knows... But maybe it's time to let my guard down. I know how painful it'll be if our ship sinks... but I'll venture to this gambling game, convincing myself that even if this doesn't work out, the happiness and joy of today will be worth the pain. Sometimes you gotta give your biggest bet to something you believe is beautiful. So I'm taking it it slow and steady. Let's not rush something we want to last forever, dear self?

Wherever this leads to, I'm glad we crossed paths. I hope you are too.

Falling in love is damn one vulnerable thing to do. It's giving him a loaded gun pointed at my heart trusting him not to pull the trigger. And here I am giving it another chance to hurt me ever again.

Here, take the gun. Take it, I'd love him to.

PS: Crazy how I relate to more Taylor Swift and Niki's breakup (and affair) songs this time - hence all the puns.

Begin again.

Should be working on some self-reflections from 2022 - I haven't made any, to be brutally honest - yet here I am about to pour thoughts on some things happening on life, lately.

How do I start?

January has been feeling.... rather slow. I thought it's just me, turned out some guys on twitter said so. Not sure how and why, but as for me, maybe it's because we're so excited for the new year new me agenda, of all the new habits we're picking up, and (im)patiently waiting for the changes we'd like to see but unfortunately January is just another month after December that what we thought would happen so soon is apparently just like any other month in the calendar.

We get what we're putting our efforts for after some time. There's nothing new under the sun.

I've decided informally that my 2023 theme would be to SURRENDER. How beautiful is it? Islam means to submit, to surrender. And I think this would be a great theme for me to expose myself to any possibilities out there. Raline said in one of her interviews: No plans. Only options. And somehow I was greatly inspired.

Maybe I was building fence too high all this time. In anything that I do. Love, obviously. Career, apparently yes (which I just realized). Hobbies, well not really. But having encountered the beauty of yoga the past 7 month, I knew how just how much I have been missing by limiting myself to only what's convenient. This year I want to explore any options that I have on my hands.

And first.... just 2 days ago.... I finally had the gut to do an interview with other company. A company I've been eye-ing the past 1.5 year but never had the courage to actually reach out and apply. A company closer to my purpose in life. "Am I really doing this" is still the constant question I have to myself but at the very least, I am doing my best to surrender... and work on the opportunities presented to me. If I'm taking it, it's gonna be a huuuuuge leap for me. A huge AND questionable leap. A huge and BOLD leap. At this age, who had the gut to switch career to relatively complex sector in public while I've been secured a relatively stable job at private? Well, it's me. But maybe, maybe, the heart just wants what it wants. Let's see how this will turn out to be.

And second... Just yesterday... I did what adults do had they decided to settle. It's property hunting. Really don't ask me how this happens, just a month ago, I wouldn't know if this even would be a choice I'd consider but my life just turned upside down 3 weeks ago when my little sis called me and said she'd want to pursue her career in Jakarta. She wanted to rent a place there but having had myself the adversities of living with 1-mio/month place in Jkt... I suggested her not to (I mean it's bad, it really WAS). So... I offered her my place. Which is okay. It wasn't until several days later that I thought, having her in my place would somehow interfere my own privacy. I would still want to cry myself outloud at midnights, all for me. And being a suppressed soul that we are, it might look silly and weird and awkward if I ever had those nights again in front of her, tho not wrong. Oh the inner child in me...

And so today, in this very cafe I encountered in Gading Serpong, I was supposed to do a comprehensive research & comparison over the property I've surveyed and asked some friends about first-time property investing but I ended up ranting on this blog. Just this morning I found out that a guy I (almost) dated with last year is finally seeing another girl. Gimana yah rasanya teh.... haha aku bingung. I had this numb moment for about 15 minutes, then did a quick stalk to her new girl (just a scorpio thing), and had this short moment of breakdown at the bathroom listening to a "Heartbroken" playlist from Spotify. Broken heart is a broken heart. It is inevitable, despite my feelings from him (it once grew, but I was just not ready to both give & receive love so it jut slipped away and I once again pity myself for choosing to be alone than working on my view towards romantic relationship). Now I learn to be happy for him. It's unfair if I'm not since I broke his heart first.

So... here I am. Pouring another coffee while sitting at a cafe. Unfortunately it's not Wednesday. If it was a Taylor Swift song, this would be a scene from a music video and I would begin again. But it's just another Sunday with the same work I need to catch up tomorrow, the same problems I will meet again once I declutter my thoughts here, the same routine I'll be keeping up again.

Life is again just one day after another after all. And we are all just wanderer trying to make sense of everything. Stay sane, fellow adults. You got this. We got this.