Begin again.

Should be working on some self-reflections from 2022 - I haven't made any, to be brutally honest - yet here I am about to pour thoughts on some things happening on life, lately.

How do I start?

January has been feeling.... rather slow. I thought it's just me, turned out some guys on twitter said so. Not sure how and why, but as for me, maybe it's because we're so excited for the new year new me agenda, of all the new habits we're picking up, and (im)patiently waiting for the changes we'd like to see but unfortunately January is just another month after December that what we thought would happen so soon is apparently just like any other month in the calendar.

We get what we're putting our efforts for after some time. There's nothing new under the sun.

I've decided informally that my 2023 theme would be to SURRENDER. How beautiful is it? Islam means to submit, to surrender. And I think this would be a great theme for me to expose myself to any possibilities out there. Raline said in one of her interviews: No plans. Only options. And somehow I was greatly inspired.

Maybe I was building fence too high all this time. In anything that I do. Love, obviously. Career, apparently yes (which I just realized). Hobbies, well not really. But having encountered the beauty of yoga the past 7 month, I knew how just how much I have been missing by limiting myself to only what's convenient. This year I want to explore any options that I have on my hands.

And first.... just 2 days ago.... I finally had the gut to do an interview with other company. A company I've been eye-ing the past 1.5 year but never had the courage to actually reach out and apply. A company closer to my purpose in life. "Am I really doing this" is still the constant question I have to myself but at the very least, I am doing my best to surrender... and work on the opportunities presented to me. If I'm taking it, it's gonna be a huuuuuge leap for me. A huge AND questionable leap. A huge and BOLD leap. At this age, who had the gut to switch career to relatively complex sector in public while I've been secured a relatively stable job at private? Well, it's me. But maybe, maybe, the heart just wants what it wants. Let's see how this will turn out to be.

And second... Just yesterday... I did what adults do had they decided to settle. It's property hunting. Really don't ask me how this happens, just a month ago, I wouldn't know if this even would be a choice I'd consider but my life just turned upside down 3 weeks ago when my little sis called me and said she'd want to pursue her career in Jakarta. She wanted to rent a place there but having had myself the adversities of living with 1-mio/month place in Jkt... I suggested her not to (I mean it's bad, it really WAS). So... I offered her my place. Which is okay. It wasn't until several days later that I thought, having her in my place would somehow interfere my own privacy. I would still want to cry myself outloud at midnights, all for me. And being a suppressed soul that we are, it might look silly and weird and awkward if I ever had those nights again in front of her, tho not wrong. Oh the inner child in me...

And so today, in this very cafe I encountered in Gading Serpong, I was supposed to do a comprehensive research & comparison over the property I've surveyed and asked some friends about first-time property investing but I ended up ranting on this blog. Just this morning I found out that a guy I (almost) dated with last year is finally seeing another girl. Gimana yah rasanya teh.... haha aku bingung. I had this numb moment for about 15 minutes, then did a quick stalk to her new girl (just a scorpio thing), and had this short moment of breakdown at the bathroom listening to a "Heartbroken" playlist from Spotify. Broken heart is a broken heart. It is inevitable, despite my feelings from him (it once grew, but I was just not ready to both give & receive love so it jut slipped away and I once again pity myself for choosing to be alone than working on my view towards romantic relationship). Now I learn to be happy for him. It's unfair if I'm not since I broke his heart first.

So... here I am. Pouring another coffee while sitting at a cafe. Unfortunately it's not Wednesday. If it was a Taylor Swift song, this would be a scene from a music video and I would begin again. But it's just another Sunday with the same work I need to catch up tomorrow, the same problems I will meet again once I declutter my thoughts here, the same routine I'll be keeping up again.

Life is again just one day after another after all. And we are all just wanderer trying to make sense of everything. Stay sane, fellow adults. You got this. We got this.