Adrenaline escapism.

Sabtu lalu aku menyadari sebuah (not so new) fact tentang diriku bahwa... empat Sabtu terakhir aku habiskan di empat negara berbeda. Terdengar seperti hidup jetset ala Nia Ramadhani tapi percayalah ini hanya kombinasi emosiku yang impulsif + tiket murah + teman2 menyenangkan yang susah ditolak. So the rest is history (at least for me):

• Indonesia: Mendaki Gunung Gede di Sabtu, 13 Mei
• Filipina: Muter-muter Intramuros & National Museum of Philippines di Sabtu, 20 Mei
• Hongkong: Barusan mendarat di HK International Airport di Sabtu, 27 Mei
• Makau: Teler abis jalan 23ribu langkah dan siap2 nyebrang kembali ke HK di Sabtu, 3 Juni

Rasanya gila sih. Iya senang dan bahagia dan excited.. tapi kayak melayang. Thought I'd give myself a full rest this weekend.. ternyata harus survey ke Sentul with bapack2 untuk acara MT Wellbeing (just another episode acara wellbeing kantor yang mengorbankan wellbeing panitia, brutally speaking). Fix Sabtu malem aku akan pijet #nonnegotiables.

And then there's this big realization, especially after my latest heartbreak... bahwa all these impulsive trip decisions... was actually trauma responses. I made the decisions during my survival mode. The fact that my parents are planning on divorce (I saw it coming but never got into terms the way it should be until recently), the work that keeps piling up on endless shits to fix (alias bak laundry kotor yang se-la-lu nam-bah), the hanging decision whether to buy the apartment or not (more like am I ready for the commitment or not) and being on the verge of losing myself because I don't wanna lose someone (who had evoked the butterflies feeling I haven't felt for a while hence the attachment)..... create this big storm inside that I am not ready to face and settle with.... causing me to operate and function in the state where I rely on quick fixes for escapisms. The quick fixes happen to be the adrenaline rush in impulsive trips with friends. To Nepal (well this one's not impulsive), to Gn. Gede, to Manila, to Hongkong, and to Makau.... risking a little bit of my credibility at work disguised as days off. Now I'm left with exhaustions - physically and mentally.

Cape sih... cape lari. Dari masalah. Now all is crumbling. My parents are still on track on the divorce plan, kerjaan gak berkurang malah makin banyak (nangis banget tiap inget berapa SKP dan revisinya yg harus dibikin, all these non-added value tasks I need to make on daily basis ARGGHHHH), keputusan untuk beli apartment yang masih menggantung juga, dan..... fakta bahwa aku juga tetap ditinggalkan dan patah hati oleh seseorang yang aku pikir akan berbeda.... menyadarkanku kalau... memang rasanya aku HARUS menghadapi semua ini. Gabisa lari lagi. I need to take care of the poops.

So I'm seeing therapists again now. And uninstalling instagram (kadang masih liat via browser, well it takes time). Mau membereskan perihal hati yang selalu overthinking dan anxious (yang mungkin menyebabkan aku selalu ditinggalkan). Banyak berdiskusi lagi sama diri sendiri dengan rajin meditasi dan nulis jurnal lagi. Memperbaiki hidup dengan mulai rajin jalan kaki dan denger podcast bagus lagi. Dan.... mengapresiasi hal-hal kecil di hidupku. Merasa cukup dengan yang ada saat ini, even without the grandeur things seperti jalan-jalan ke gunung tinggi atau keluar negeri hanya untuk self-satisfaction semata. Iya mereka menyenangkan, tapi kalau tujuannya untuk lari dari masalah... they mean nothing.

Sekarang rasanya masih banyak anxious-nya. I really need to work on my anxiety bcs it literally is killing me slowly. Lelah banget rasanya jadi orang yang selalu kepikiran berlebih dan making up stories that only happen on my head. It's okay, self, you are safe. You are not in a rush. You are not left behind. You got this.

Tahun ini umurku akan menginjak 27 tahun. Selalu merasa aneh dan gak pantes bertambah umur, terutama di umur-umur late 20s where I thought I would have had everything figured out. Well I dont. I have NOTHING figured out. Karir? It's giving me safety net but I'm not a manager yet while my friends are already are (dengan kata lain: I am left behind). Keluarga? My family crumbled. Jodoh? No one seems to come near as I'm still recovering from the scars.

But figuring things out is a lifetime journey. And 27 is just the new 22: happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical. Let's just dance then... while the magic lasts. Semangat Bethari.