28 my age: birthday reflections.

 [placeholder]

In my failure era.

How do I start? It's been 14 hours since the announcement and I gotta tell you...

I.. did not... make it.

Well, I failed LDPD Tahap 1 2024.

How am I feeling? Exactly now... I am amidst all these overwhelming feelings. More calmed than before. It's a wave of emotions coming over and leave. Trying my best to treat them as a traitor. If it comes, it'll go.

Woke up today feeling alarmed. Didn't (well I did) expect the announcement would come out at 3-4am in the morning. Guess the announcement is not delayed at all, the system just crashed and it happened that the day has changed another day. Life just happens for everyone under the sun and we are all here kinda maneuvering inside the maze. So I picked up my phone, went to the bathroom, had a little Saat Teduh moment, and went to the webpage.

I failed. I refreshed the page and I still failed. (Why did I think it would change anyway?)

Titir was the one I shared the news to. She informed me she didn't make the cut too and my heart broke a little. And it all comes in waves again. Then I informed Mamuy, my fam, and then Nyak called.

How should I describe the feeling? I can't. It's a mixture of pride and sadness. I thought I wouldn't cry. I journaled last night reflecting on how this journey has been a very meaningful one, breaking down my feeling towards each decision (whether if it's a yes or no), and promptly asking myself "What if I fail?". Gotta say it helped. I was numb for the first 7 hours until it was 1 pm and I'm at KRL on the way for my self-care day and I broke down. I cried my first tears at Gojek to Erasmus Huis and shed another tear during the exhibition. I called Mom right away and she comforted me saying "Gapapa, Mama yakin kamu masih punya potensi. Masih ada kesempatan lainnya."

I pushed myself very hard the past 8 months, to the point that I almost pushed anything aside. My apartment interior making, health & wellbeing (I gave up yoga, weightlift, and walking sesh many times!), and uhm... somehow... work. I restrained myself to give the extra miles to redirect my focus to what matters: masters, yoga, dreams, a life resume I will proudly thrive. I acknowledge that work-life-balance is a myth tho. You will always need to sacrifice something if you want something and it's a matter of priority when you know you don't have all the resources in the world. That is called management. Now that I have given my all to this dream, it will only make sense if I EXPECT SOMETHING. I expect to get in. I expect to make it this year. Mostly so I have Nyak to show me NYC around. Secondly is to experience myself to USA's presidential election and/or eras where Taylor Swift still dominates. I picture myself strolling around Central Park and spent New Year 2025 in Times Square already. But life gets you up and down. Failures have always been your best friend! Remember how you got into XLFL, YLI, and UFLP all at the second try?

Am I sad? I am.

Am I disappointed? I am.

Am I giving up? I hope I am not.

I am sad because it (the dream) matters. I am disappointed because I want this so bad. And while this decision was not as I expect it to be, I hope this will never dim my light and fire. InsyaAllah.

Plus it is only in times like this that I acknowledge Your divine love through the love and support from people around me. Millions of thank yous to Nyak, Muy, Tir, Kak Sekar, Vicky, Hanaya, Fem, Nindya, 

I have several dreams prior to this very moment that syndicates LPDP, or Kemenkeu, or Columbia, or NYC at all. I was once in an underground subway with Bocil! I have fulfilled half of my nazaar. I have acted in a way like I'm about to resign anytime sooner. It turns out to not become my reality, at least for now. So I will take my time to grieve and sit with my sadness. I know that the result does NOT define my worth or quality as an individual. It will only define God's perfect plan and timing. There is khayr (goodness) in every delay because rejection is both a protection and a redirection. I know I'm in good hands: God's hands.

Tetep semangat yaa, Bethari!

Sebagai anak tukang pos dan ibu rumah tangga yang nggak kuliah, bisa kuliah di ITB, kerja di Unilever, mimpi bisa kuliah di Ivy League, dan keterima Columbia dan NYU (with scholarship grants!!) dalam 10 tahun terakhir.... Beth, kamu keren. Kamu keren, kamu berharga, mimpimu berhak dan layak diperjuangkan, dan kamu akan sampe kesitu kalau sudah waktunya!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOUUUU, PLS KEEP FIGHTING BETHARI!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by REMNANT. (@remnantphofficial)

PS: I should've written down MPA-DP 2024 instead for this manifestation back in 2024 haha. But it's okay!! This failure is needed to grow me!

To submit myself.

Writing this at 1 am exactly at June 10, 2024.

So... this is it. The finish line to my 8 months journey reflecting back to my self and my dream. Pengumuman LPDP akan ada nanti malam (katanya) di atas jam 6. How do I feel right now? Both anxious and calm. I pushed myself so hard and I'd lie to say that I didn't want this to happen this year. I DO. But I know that God is in control and I am just a speck in the galaxy...

So I surrender. I submit myself.

I take comfort in knowing that regardless of the result, I took the chance. I went with my first steps. I attempted to overcome my fears. I said yes-es to my aspirations and no's to anything that is not aligned. That... alone... is an achievement.

So tonight... I just want to appreciate how far I've come. That dream you thought was too impossible? You proved (to yourself) it wasn't. The school you thought you would never get into? You were accepted. Both of your dream schools, even one with scholarship. The journey you thought was too hard to carry alone? You are actually surrounded by good friends with their unwavering help and support. Bethari, you proved to yourself that you are just as capable, that this journey is worth it, that your dream matters. For that, thank you. Little Bethari would be so proud of you.

So this time... I want to remind myself again that whatever the result tomorrow will not change you as a person. It will only change you to be a better one. It does not define any of your worth, it will only define God's perfect plan that somehow will always be beyond your reach. That's the thing about imaan, no? You trust the ending, even though you are not in control.

Apapun hasilnya besok... Bethari, makasi udah berjuang. Columbia University and New York University are so lucky to have you.

My Marjorie...

A post dedicated to my grandma.

A path that is mine (and mine only)...

 When following your heart requires first being willing to break it....

February rants.

Guess what? I have just submitted my SIPA MPA-DP application. Fiuh.... 😵

One big burden has just officially gone off of my shoulders (well... not really... pak ARO hasn't submitted his recommendation letter yet but I'll try nudging him tmr). And still deadline after deadline will still keep coming during this so-called month of love. Next will be my 50-hr Yoga Teacher Training final exam on Feb 8 (WISH ME LUCK) and LPDP at Feb 12 (ANOTHER WML) and NYU MPA at Feb 19 (ANOTHER WML AS WELL). Oh gurl.. why do you committed to maaaany things now you run out of energy to find true love 😂

Cape? CAPE BANGETTTT. I feel like my soul is slowly fading out of my body. Banyak keputusan dibuat di Januari ini. Struktur baru di kerjaan yg artinya aku nambah account baru (HERO, which is kecil, tapi sama aja banyaaak banget administrasinya). Account baru artinya handover. Taun baru juga artinya JBP dan JBP tentu saja artinya deck deck deck berkepanjangan. Belum lagi dengan kondisi Farmers sudah jenuh growth, maka dapet orderan akan sangat sulit di bulan ini. The only light at the end of the tunnel is..... my rotation to LSI. Honestly not on my list to switch to LSI. I've always wanted the global role, but knowing my priorities at the moment (which are to focus on pursuing Masters, LPDP, and yoga teacher portfolio building) I guess that's my best bet for now, daripada harus ke CSI or CSP yang bikin ai gabisa tidur dan kerja 24x7. Proud to say that professional career advancement is not what I'm looking for now. I am building my life resume, not only professional resume. I want to LIVE LIFE and not just let life passes by....

Jadi... rasanya abis submit application Columbia SIPA MPA-DP gimana? Nano-nano... Tadi ada video essay yang pertanyaannya: What do you think about the immigration policy in the European Union? WKWKWKW rasanya pertama liat itu langsung pengen ngakak. Dari segi keilmuan GAK ngerti. Dari segi pengalaman juga GAK pernah ke Eropa. Rasanya pengen nangis. Tapi yasudahlah.... sudah terjadi meskipun kayaknya tadi aku kayak orang nggremeng HAHA. We will wish for the best. Fingers crossed Bethari! Semoga mimpi ini dimudahkan ya...

Guys who aren't ready.

I just finished a solo-turned-to-duo road trip just 2 days ago. To Jateng. This place has always hold a special place in my heart. My roots, my ancestors - my grandparents from both sides are from Central Java. Long story short, destiny brings the most fun part to the table. What I initially planned to be a wild trip for myself and myself only turned out to be one of the most fulfilling journey this year filled with people I love. How I love my freedom, my courage, and most importantly... my (best) friends. Thank you Titir, Icuk, and Yonkies for the company arriving to Semarang. Thank you Mamuy for the company departing from Semarang. Thank you Allah for all the beautiful coincidences you have planned since millions of years ago.

By now I know you know that my heart was just being toyed last year. Alias aku jatuh cinta sejatuh-jatuhnya sama orang, mengenal istilah situationship, sempat berekspektasi sangat tinggi dan (emang) hampir jadi (gimana ya coba dibayangkan kalo udah single 7 tahun dan akhirnya jatuh cinta lagi sampe ada butterfly in my stomach itu artinya LUAR BIASA).... sampai akhirnya patah hati sepatah-patahnya karena we were just built to fall apart.

Pas dirasain rasanya emang sedih banget. Late May-June I was fleeting, my heart was numb, I didn't touch the ground. Patah hati itu nggak enak dan nggak akan pernah enak, sesiap apapun kita sama perasaan itu. I wish I wouldn't have to experience that feeling again, but unexpectedly, patah hati kemarin ternyata aku lebih mudah untuk berdamai dengan kenyataan. Setelah mencoba menelaah ke dalam diri, aku datang dengan dua kesimpulan. Partly adalah karena aku sangat aware dengan emosi dan keberhargaanku sekarang (compared to my previous heartbreaks dimana aku masih anak bau bawang yang self- awarenessnya masih rendah) sehingga aku lebih mudah mengidentifikasi perasaan dan act upon it. Tetapi mostly I think karena..... COWONYA AJA YANG KURENGGGGG. This might sound so self-entitled. Yes I have scars of my own that got him triggered... but I can't keep self-sabotaging myself on the wrongdoings I might have made that he left.

It was never my fault. There is nothing wrong with how much I love another person, how much I care, and how my affection would perform to show my love and care for them. I'd cross the sea for the people I love is a fact and them fearing this pure and genuine love to backfire and isolate them from their freedom... would be their loss and not mine. He left not because I was lacking something, he left because he was lacking something.

He lacks the courage to commit.

I hope I slap him right in the face (if he'd read). This is the only piece he'd need to know. You can roam around the whole wide world looking for the missing puzzle but you'd never get your puzzle complete and beautiful-looking if you prefer not to put yours in the table for you to see clearly. I don't hate him for being so. In the world of boys, only small portion of boys turns to gentlemen. I hate him for leaving after giving high hopes. I hate him for caring if he didn't mean to stay for long. I hate him for making me feel like I lack something when in reality, he's the one lacking something.

To say it bluntly, I hate guys who aren't ready. They think they know what they want so they left/they expected us women to comply to their bar.... They actually don't. They don't know what they want but they pretend like they do and IT SUCKS.

So when Mamuy told me "Aku berdoa sama Allah semoga X bisa ngelihat aku 10x lebih baik dari mantannya" I was raged. I WAS MAD AND FURIOUS.

1. Sahabatku, yang sangat berharga dan kusayang dan kutau kualitasnya, harus berdoa agar supaya laki-laki yang dia sayangi bisa melihat keberhargaannya lebih daripada mantannya? Laki-laki macam apa yang sampe harus didoakan dengan khusyuk agar bisa melihat kualitas temenku yang ini??? Like.... she must not beg for his attention...??? Why must she???
2. Kenapa... kenapa sampe Mamuy bisa berdoa agar dia bisa dilihat lebih baik dari MANTANNYA X dan bukannya lebih baik dari dirinya sendiri di masa lalu? Aku sedih... sedih banget. She is great at being her and her own self and she would not need other girl as comparison to make her feel better. She is valued for who she is, not how worthy she is compared to other girls, especially his ex.
3. Dan terakhir, yang paling bother me a lot: Bisa-bisanya dia bilang Mamuy belum siap ke jenjang yang lebih serius kalau sebenernya DIA yang nggak siap berkomitmen dan konsekuen atas komitmennya? To take all the good and bad consequences together with her and work on that together??? I mean sampe Mamuy harus doa begitu BUKAN karena Mamuy is bad as a person tapi karena X-nya yang gak siap dengan konsekuensi dari komitmennya?

Huf.... kemarin aku bener-bener marah sih. Mamuy sampe nangis tapi aku nggak peduli, I want her to realize her worth. Dia ga perlu bandingin sama mantannya untuk memvalidasi keberhargaan dirinya. Gak perlu sampe berdoa agar cowonya bisa melihat kualitas baik dirinya karena what's the point of mendoakan begitu kalo cowonya yg BUTA??? Love must be pure and effortless and tidak memaksakan....

I hope society can teach our boys better. To take responsibilities. To own their decisions. To know themselves and what they want so their ego won't soar too high to be able to admit his own fears and realize his precious girl's genuine love is sealed with a heart right in front of their eyes. Semoga...