To submit myself.

Writing this at 1 am exactly at June 10, 2024.

So... this is it. The finish line to my 8 months journey reflecting back to my self and my dream. Pengumuman LPDP akan ada nanti malam (katanya) di atas jam 6. How do I feel right now? Both anxious and calm. I pushed myself so hard and I'd lie to say that I didn't want this to happen this year. I DO. But I know that God is in control and I am just a speck in the galaxy...

So I surrender. I submit myself.

I take comfort in knowing that regardless of the result, I took the chance. I went with my first steps. I attempted to overcome my fears. I said yes-es to my aspirations and no's to anything that is not aligned. That... alone... is an achievement.

So tonight... I just want to appreciate how far I've come. That dream you thought was too impossible? You proved (to yourself) it wasn't. The school you thought you would never get into? You were accepted. Both of your dream schools, even one with scholarship. The journey you thought was too hard to carry alone? You are actually surrounded by good friends with their unwavering help and support. Bethari, you proved to yourself that you are just as capable, that this journey is worth it, that your dream matters. For that, thank you. Little Bethari would be so proud of you.

So this time... I want to remind myself again that whatever the result tomorrow will not change you as a person. It will only change you to be a better one. It does not define any of your worth, it will only define God's perfect plan that somehow will always be beyond your reach. That's the thing about imaan, no? You trust the ending, even though you are not in control.

Apapun hasilnya besok... Bethari, makasi udah berjuang. Columbia University and New York University are so lucky to have you.