A Life Not Lived.

I had two days well-spent last week in Jogja with my ultimate best friend in high school, Caca. The second day, we went to Gembiraloka Zoo and I have to say, the zoo was pretty damn good and organized (compared to Surabaya and Bandung --as if I have visited the Bandung one, well but). There was once a moment we came across the beaver's pond.

I have always been a fan of a happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, unplanned, careless, carefree life. A series of 'you only live once, own it, make the most out of it' kinds of things. I hate choices, because I don't like to pick, I want to experience all of them, learn in any ways. Seeing beavers wandering around their pond, their territory, looking happy, go here grunting and there barking, now with A and minutes later with B, all the carefree life they could care less about what to do next, what happens next, et cetera et cetera that I finally said,

"Enak ya jadi berang-berang. Hidupnya bahagia, nggak perlu mikir besok makan apa, mau ngapain, apa kata orang yaudah tinggal hidup aja. Lagi main-main gini mereka mikir sesuatu nggak ya?"

Moments later we came across the bear cage. Oh have you heard that heartbreaking news about 'Beruang Madu di Kebun Binatang Bandung Kelaparan hingga Makan Feses Sendiri' stuff? I saw the video on YouTube the other day and joined the petition. They were (maybe still are) SO HEARTBREAKINGLY THIN. If anything, anorexic. You might wanna check. Here in Jogja, the bears are in good hands. But still, they showed the 'standing up' thing that people love in the hope that they will give them another food (my assumption, but hey, the bears did that a lot so let's call them always-hungry bears). And  also still, people keep throwing foods or snacks, nuts to be clear, so yeah back to topic. Caca suddenly said,

"Kasian ya mereka. Kayak menggantungkan hidup mereka pada orang lain, nungguin orang ngasi makan ke mereka....."

And that got me. A lot.

Sometimes I hate my life.

I hate my life with a thousand choices in it. I hate my life for having to choose one of them. Moreover I hate my life for having to accept the consequences of that one choice.

Then I hate my life with lots of consideration in it: what to wear, what to accomplish, where to go, how to do, the list goes on. I hate my life that it doesn't have a fixated path I can easily follow without second guessing. After all, I hate my life because all depends on me, the careless me.

But then again, I have options, and the bears don't.