Sejujurnya udah lama banget nggak ngerasain insecure. I thought I've dealt with everything.
Turns out...no.
I am sorry for starting 2019 posts real bad with this kind of post but tonight has been hard, really.
I just got texts from my friend who aced McKinsey PST, now heading to Interview. I am happy for her/him (you guess). But that also equals to I am sad with myself. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I failed at McKinsey PST and need to wait 2 years for the next test. I know I didn't prepare it properly but still, if she/he can, WHY CAN'T I? WHY GOD WHY?
I never knew if I really wanted McKinsey in the first place, but just thinking of working there gets me butterflies, and that butterfly feeling means.... another dream to be unlocked. I still want to build my own foundation too, but who says I can't do it hand-in-hand? To be brutally honest, I don't know if it's just me feeling envy with her/him whose life already perfect they don't need anymore nice thing (which I shouldn't be feeling, I know...) or is it just me slowly (and secretly) wanting McKinsey as my dream company it just hurts to know someone else is paving their way there and I was rejected. I just feel like I really am an ugly stupid wreck cos I don't get the dreams I wanted and she/he got everything I've always wanted.
Been so long since the last time I felt kinda....missing out, ignored. I am loving my worklife at my current company, everyone's been welcoming even if I still don't get the decent load I deserve (considering I love working and a small amount of work got me feel useless), but when it comes to a company everyone is dying to work for........
God's answers would be in 3 ways:
- Yes
- Yes, but later.
- I have bigger plans.
If He could talk, the answer to my prayer definitely is NOT a Yes for now.
It could be Yes, but later or I have bigger plans.
I still have my life unravelled.
A later yes or a bigger plan, aku tau Tuhan selalu menyertaiku dan menyelesaikan niat baikku.
But still....I want to work at McKinsey too.
Allah...Please?
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