The Trauma that Bonds Us.

 On Sunday we do fun thingssssss!

And here we are again at another day in February, the so-called month of love.

• How has it been doing so far? Fine. Just like another month~
• Has it been good? To say bad is understatement so yesss it's been good so far.
• Have I been receiving love more than usual? Ummmm not really.

BUT, I can feel the love. Of everyone around me. Just like every other month. And it means how much I love and am loved by them too, regardless seasons. For that and for them, I am grateful.

Hari ini berawal dengan rencana mengulangi kegilaan jaman SMA, tapi di Jember. Seperti biasa, pertemuan dengan para anggota SDC se-la-lu begitu :" (and I think that's why I love them too much too). Kata-kata yang tiba terlintas dan aku utarakan tadi tentang masa SMA dan masa SDC: "We never knew that we are making memories, we just knew that we are having fun." Indeed it was.

Nah, hari ini rencananya begitu. Pengen cover dance dan Tiktok...tapi berakhir cerita update kehidupan selama 2 jam, caw ke Hypermart, masak Spaghetti Brulee dan berakhir dengan cerita vulnerability masing-masing. This time: childhood trauma. Topik ini... dalam sekali untukku. And apparently... for them too. Seriously, people are deep waters. We really never knew the battle they have inside, so please please, be kind. If you could. You never know how much your words will scar others (this relates to Gama's story as well but probably will tell another time).

Long story short: I share my dark stories. Not all, of course. Given the fact that I am having this trust issues (or probably just how I am) and it's just hard for me to bare it all despite how extroverted I am, especially when it comes to my family. Talking about them always feel hurtful. Always, never not. But today I am sharing this... and turns out... everybody is sharing theirs too.

Ternyata Iqbal mengalami hal yang mirip denganku. Now I know that I am not alone. And that this love-hate feeling with my parents is valid. Dan ternyata... Icuk, yang selama ini aku pikir hidupnya enak dengan kehidupan keluarga yang sudah mapan dan segalanya terpenuhi pun.. punya luka keluarga. Now I know that everyone process family relationship differently. And that we really can't judge only from the outside. Selain itu, kita juga cerita-cerita tentang our hopes, dreams, life-changing moments... ah the convo was raw and beautiful.

Topik ini menjadi cukup dalam bagiku akhir-akhir ini karena... minggu lalu aku abis dengerin IG Live Loveground tentang bagaimana inner child kita bisa mempengaruhi relasi kita di masa sekarang. Selama dengerin, banyak bgt AHA moment yang bikin aku ngangguk setuju atau mikirin kenapa relate banget. That moment, aku jadi banyak reflect dan jadi bener-bener aware dan menyadari:

• Banyak banget hal atau keputusan yang aku ambil saat ini itu karena pengalaman tumbuh di masa kecil.
• I lost a potential relationship just yet last year and that bcs I was rushing that made him go away. This moment I know that as hard as I try... I still project my fear of being abandoned and left to my partner. And this can't happen any longer.
• Seberusaha atau koar-koarnya aku bilang kalau aku sudah membuka hati... ya aku mengakui bahwa aku MASIH sulit buka hati. I just forget how to love (naturally). I build my fence too high so people can't hurt me anymore (Gosh I've been hurt so much looking at my parents and from my former boyfriend so please no more....)

Jadi... dalam beberapa waktu ke depan aku sepertinya pengen benerin mental health-ku dulu. Untuk lebih sering ketemu inner child-ku, untuk mencoba deal dengan myself, untuk mencoba menyelesaikan unresolved trauma dulu. Karena ini nggak bisa berlanjut terus, aku takut nanti adanya aku attract orang yang salah karena my decision reflects my fear and not my hope. Aku gamau mengulang cycle yang salah. Aku nggak mau menghasilkan individu-individu tanpa rigid emotional support sepertiku di masa depan. So far, aku sudah baca e-book inner child healing dari Loveground, udah request kalau ada future group therapy (yang baru ada di akhir Maret sepertinya), dan udah nanya Adisya tentang terapis/psikiater yang fokus di inner child healing untuk konsultasi. Let's see how this healing journey will take me. Bismillah...

My companionship today while grocery shopping @Hypermart Lippo Jember

I need to deal with my own shit, before committing to someone else and share him a lifetime of my mess. I will get there safe and sound, future husband. I will. Let's take our time better-ing ourselves!