Excessive Amount of Holiday.

Writing this on an anxious Sunday afternoon, by the pool at Courtyard Seminyak Bali. How on earth am I here? The so-called ✨much needed holiday✨

Now that I am on holiday almost everytime and that I am in Bali for 9 weeks in cumulative this year.... holiday does not feel like one anymore. I am in Bali more than I am in Jember with my fam. Blue sky and oceans are my everyday sight now. And seeing one doesn't really cure anymore.

And this is how I know it is excessive already.

Occassions that I thought would get me escape, are the ones causing me anxiety of getting too much escapism and break time. Irony. Do I deserve this? Probably yes. But do I deserve this much? Absolutely no. It is called "holi"-day for a reason, right?

Setelah berkontemplasi singkat di kolam renang ini...sepertinya aku mau memutuskan bahwa dalam waktu dekat, aku mungkin nggak mau kemana-mana. Mau kembali ke masa bulan Mei-September yang gak kemana-mana kecuali ke Jember. When my escape was as simple as morning walk and Transmart Jember. Totally harder days, but each break is savoured mindfully. Now I take everything granted and I kinda regret it.

Rencana ke Jakarta, Bandung, Palu, whatever you call it....well lets see. Kalau masi diperlukan ayo, kalau enggak lets drop it. Plus it costs me money yang better ditabung aja #pelitmodeon. Udah, per bulan depan, bulan puasa, aku mau mindful. Aku mau fokus improve diri dengan bekerja di stint baru (bismillah), atau mungkin PM (who knows), puasa mendekatkan diri sama Allah, nulis jurnal sampe tangan pegel, introspeksi diri dan 1st quartal.... fokus kembali ke what matters in life.

Holiday certainly is not one of them. Wellbeing is, but balanced wellbeing tidak hanya dicapai dengan liburan kan :)

Aku ingin menjadi sahabat, teman, kakak, adik, anak, onty, dan (calon) pasangan yang baik untuk diriku dan orang-orang sekitarku. Cukup bersenang-senang dengan excessive holiday di Q1 untuk reward diri sendiri atas 2020 yang penuh kerja keras dan air mata. Sisanya, ayo kita adjust planning hidup lagi!

To Love Without If.

Stumbled upon this on instagram. I have this game, but haven't found this card yet.

Sebutkan anggota keluarga yang kamu harap bisa punya hubungan lebih dekat. Mengapa?

My answer will forever be: ayahku dan ibuku. Always, a thousand times always.

Aku merasa sangat jauh dari orang tuaku. Kita nggak pernah 'hidup' bersama. We just 'co-live'. Menjalani rutinitas di tempat yang sama. Iya aku belajar banyak dari mereka, tapi hanya secara satu arah dimana aku mengamati, dan bukan difasilitasi. Aku tidak pernah menyatakan rasa sayangku....dan sebaliknya aku tidak pernah dinyatakan rasa sayangnya.

I want to be able to tell my parents everything without feeling kind of weird. Semalem aku abis baca 3 hal yang paling disesali oleh orang yang akan meninggal:

1. Tidak mengejar mimpinya.
2. Tidak menyatakan sayang ke orang yang dicintai.
3. Tidak memaafkan kesalahan.

Kalau aku mati besok.... 3 hal di atas pasti ada dalam list penyesalanku. Dan tiga-tiganya....menyangkut orang tuaku. Terutama poin nomor 3.

I want to be able to love them with the way I love (giving the quality time and physical touch that they deserve) but it is just so hard to do so. To look at them with utmost unconditional love. To get rid of all of my hatred and disappointment towards them. To love without if.

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Rasanya blog lama-lama jadi tempat mencurahkan isi hati tentang keluarga yang paling tepat....selain jurnal. I don't know if anybody ever reads this blog. But if you do, welcome to my chaotic world, chaotic interpretation of love and family. I am still learning to heal and this medium just....understands me. So if you happen to read a lot about this and feel bothered of knowing too much. I am sorry. Having a family in which you be comfortable to talk about your day really is a privilege I know too late. I hope I could turn back time and turn around how everything turned out now. Love your loved ones, tell them you love them.

About Parting

I just finished a marvelous wonderful time off with the cycle that I love the most my entire life: my highschool mates. This time, with Galih, Tiara, and Fya (Yonkies). Ugh I love them so much. And I love making memories with them. Like 3 years of school weren't enough. We made another unforgettable one these past few days....in Sumba. Cant regret, wont regret. It was amazing.

All glimpses of us in each place we encounter. All was great! We talked, we exchanged stories & perspectives, we shared our fears, we spent the days & nights together, we encouraged each other, we had the best adventure, and most inportantly we HAD FUN.

Cant thank Allah enough for:

1. Giving me health & ability to afford this trip

2. Giving me good friends

3. Providing us humans the best of nature that we can enjoy

Now getting back to work feels somehow heavy and light. Heavy that this week I need to work hard again for UFLP pres, but light cos I know I enjoy every second of my time in Sumba ❤❤❤

Ugh I hate parting. That I left piece of my heart in every place & moment...it feels like a part of me is taken away and reminiscing is like cutting it thin again. I just wish my friends good health so we may experience this again.... aamiin.

Another Family Rant.

Today I take a slow conscious observation... at my mom.

I noticed her hair getting white, starting to get bald at some parts and whatnots. This is breaking my heart. My hatred towards her is just unbearable.. but so is my love. Oh God I love her.. and I really wish to make her happy. To make her a little less desperate with all those financial shits around. I know she's stressed. I am too. My sisters too. Basically all of my family are. We are all stressed out quietly until the day we couldn't bear anymore and all just burst out. Happened once. I am sure there will be another more.

My parent's marriage are just... too traumatic. I couldn't look at them without experiencing some kinds of....pain. Both in my dad's eyes or my mom's. I secretly read my mom's WA (I know I cross the privacy but I just....need to some times know) to my dad and it broke my heart again. Pretty much predictable, I knew it already. All those financial shits (again, ofc) and.... divorce thing. I just wish they filed one long time ago so I don't have to see them both suffered like this. They're better not together, really. But they kept the relationship...for us. Not knowing that all three of us are also suffering & traumatized of this.

I am sure there will be days I can't handle being at very loving family. The problem is: I have zero clue of what to do. Cause in my case, there is no loving family. Never once we sat on the same table having dinner and casual conversations. Never once I called my mom out of the blue telling that cute guy I met at school. Never once I called my dad telling him how I love hiking.

We say limited words... shown through limited love language. We never get to understand each other's love...and way of love. So we spend our days at the same house, sharing the same rooms, just to co-live and survive our routine. I thought this is how family functions, until one day I saw my friend's and realized that this family of mine....is just broken.

I don't know if I dare to commit one some day, this marriage thing. All my life I have been conditioned to see (and experience) love as hard, hurtful, and problematic and shifting that to other perspective will seem impossible unless there is major change coming up at my life. My prayers in my 3rd rakaat that has always been about jodoh have changed lately.

I don't wish to meet the one soon,

I just wish that when the day comes, I will have been finished already with these scars inside so I can love him the way he should be loved, and vice versa. Cause I know firsthand how my parents' ship crumbled and seeing that from a child's point of view for a lifetime was really......devastating.

I will hear the bird sing...

There will be late nights and early mornings

and entire days where you feel like your efforts are not enough.
There will be days where you cross through the northern part of 
Tennessee into Louisville and your throat locks up
and you will be reminded of all that was lost,
and how “reminders” just aren’t enough.

There will be days where you long for things
to be ordinary again and then,
there will be days where you realize…

nothing was ever really ordinary at all.

Everything was always complicated and messy
and we were always living with the tension of
how far we have come and also,
how much further we have to go.

You will learn to live with the reality of both
the cross and the lynching tree
(“oh how they fight for love and freedom
but would they ever fight for me?”)

And you will learn to try to keep
your heart set on hope,
in the belly of never-ending grief,
and some glad morning
you will hear a bird sing.
A caged bird, but nevertheless,
you will hear her sing. 

You will grow tired.
You will grow weary.
But somewhere in the late night
or early morning,
your body will fall asleep.
You will continue to pray for rest.
Healing. Peace.

Oh, how far we have come.
Oh, how much further we have to go.
Oh, how we learn to live with the tension
of all we do and do not know. 

May this be the place
where we tune in
to the way heartbeats, whether heavily or softly,
may we continue this journey
until all
are free.

by MHN on my daily newsletter.

Flee.

1. I hate my family.
2. I hate my family.
3. I hate my family.

They're so problematic I can't help but to hate them. My biggest wish is just to never exist in this world. Can't wait for the day I get rich myself, buy a house and forever closing the door to those who've hurt me even those the closest. Can never relate to the idea where family is their first. In mine, they're easily the last priority. The worst. Can never think the other way around. I wish they would just vanish, as much as I wish I would too. I hate having this "mandatory" reciprocal feeling to give back what they gave. The hell, I didn't even want to be IN THIS after all. I mean, why would I?

Family love is an illusion, let alone romantic love. Love, basically, is fucked up. My idea of it is so broken & distorted. I am the safest myself and will always be. Would never get everyone in and let them break me again.

I just wish I were a bird. In times like this, I would flee and never looked back.