Another Family Rant.

Today I take a slow conscious observation... at my mom.

I noticed her hair getting white, starting to get bald at some parts and whatnots. This is breaking my heart. My hatred towards her is just unbearable.. but so is my love. Oh God I love her.. and I really wish to make her happy. To make her a little less desperate with all those financial shits around. I know she's stressed. I am too. My sisters too. Basically all of my family are. We are all stressed out quietly until the day we couldn't bear anymore and all just burst out. Happened once. I am sure there will be another more.

My parent's marriage are just... too traumatic. I couldn't look at them without experiencing some kinds of....pain. Both in my dad's eyes or my mom's. I secretly read my mom's WA (I know I cross the privacy but I just....need to some times know) to my dad and it broke my heart again. Pretty much predictable, I knew it already. All those financial shits (again, ofc) and.... divorce thing. I just wish they filed one long time ago so I don't have to see them both suffered like this. They're better not together, really. But they kept the relationship...for us. Not knowing that all three of us are also suffering & traumatized of this.

I am sure there will be days I can't handle being at very loving family. The problem is: I have zero clue of what to do. Cause in my case, there is no loving family. Never once we sat on the same table having dinner and casual conversations. Never once I called my mom out of the blue telling that cute guy I met at school. Never once I called my dad telling him how I love hiking.

We say limited words... shown through limited love language. We never get to understand each other's love...and way of love. So we spend our days at the same house, sharing the same rooms, just to co-live and survive our routine. I thought this is how family functions, until one day I saw my friend's and realized that this family of mine....is just broken.

I don't know if I dare to commit one some day, this marriage thing. All my life I have been conditioned to see (and experience) love as hard, hurtful, and problematic and shifting that to other perspective will seem impossible unless there is major change coming up at my life. My prayers in my 3rd rakaat that has always been about jodoh have changed lately.

I don't wish to meet the one soon,

I just wish that when the day comes, I will have been finished already with these scars inside so I can love him the way he should be loved, and vice versa. Cause I know firsthand how my parents' ship crumbled and seeing that from a child's point of view for a lifetime was really......devastating.