Heartfelt Goodbye to My PM Dream...

 So... hi! To my first post in April.

Been wanting to say a word or two this month... but didn't manage to. Speaking of my latest post which implied that I was gonna limit my *excessive* amount of holiday.... well just to let you know. Tomorrow is Monday and I am about to take my second trip to Surabaya this April. Where did my commitment go? *Now looking at the trash can* This may explain why the very first post came in the third week or so.

BUT WHO CARESSSSS ANYWAY. Lets just let this expectation of getting everything right and perfect slip. Who says so? My blog, my say, my....consequences.

Well while we're on it, just a little bit of update here:

• Ramadhan Mubarak! We started at Tuesday, May 13th and tomorrow's gonna be the 7th day. Oh yes time does fly.
• Did I tell you I am on my period? Yes I am, on my 3rd day. The app says I will probably miss Eid next month. Sad.
• Tomorrow I'm going to Surabaya the second time. Chasing flights to Jakarta on Wednesday.
• Oh yes, my 2nd trip. First was last week attending Mbak Putu & Mas Edwin's wedding.
• And yes again, I'm flying with AirAsia unlimited deals. Bought for 1.6mio with one-year period, should've bought the ticket home earlier but... it sold out already. Bought the ticket home already by train. Pretty much fine, I gotta do the Jakarta thing *wish me luck from Corona*
• And now get ready for the most fun part: I SURVIVED & THRIVED IN ALFAMART. Aku lulus UFLP 3rd milestone!
• Now embarking on new journey in BPC Muslim Center of Excellence. So far so good, I learned (and got oeverwhelmed as usual) during the first two weeks. (PS: Buku Fiqih is my best friend now!)

Which.....leads me to the very point I am about to tell on this very post:

Tomorrow I am taking one day leave....

....untuk ikut seleksi Indonesia Mengajar.

Started from the bottom (January) and now we're here (April).

Three months of making my mind up. Of being very fiery and hopeful to being shattered and collected.

Let me tell you: I am dropping my Pengajar Muda application.

Bentar, belum seleksi kok udah dropping?

I was so convinced myself last January (up to March) that I am going to GO FOR IT. I will let myself wander, find what it's really that I search in this life, risking my family and my settled job. Di Februari, I came across a moment where I realized... I just can't put myself out there for the world to see how brave and noble I am to contribute to my country....... where in reality I fearlessly and completely ignore my family.

How would you say to that kind of person?

To give back to my country is a very daring decision admired by many.... but to give back to my country at the expense of turning a deaf ear to my family is just.... selfish. And it took me 3 persons to finally realize this.

I just can't.

I don't have the safety net. My family needs me, my family needs my money (I'm just a realistic kid). And I have bills to pay. Putting myself on edge for a year or so will not be a wise decision. Yes it grants me my junior high school dream, but it will likely put me to much stressor in the future. How am I gonna get back to corporate world? How am I gonna keep my credentials with UFLP cutoff period? How am I gonna get the substitute for the loss of my salary? How am I gonna fund my wedding, my dream house, my dream car?

I am sad myself that my idealistic self is slowly vanishing. But life sometimes is not about chasing and getting, it's about accepting and letting go. About being okay with being mediocre. About being content with being enough. About being calm...and collected....after acknowledging the fact that some dreams might never come true, and some others might not come true in the time being and that is pretty much fine.

Pretty much fine.