2021: Annual Reflection.

So here we are the last day of 2021. What a year it's been, huh? A kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats it is. 2021 is the time where I had the loudest scream, the most adrenaline rush, where I reach the top of the hills, but drown to the bottom of the sea. Polar. Skewed. Black and white. No gray. But full of other colors in seemingly one-color spectrum.

Pain + Reflections = Progress.

Clarity + Progress = Motivation.

Frankly speaking I am in not my best condition to write hopeful things. Life has been... rough, and it makes everything hazy. And when the weather's hazy, you prefer to stay at home avoiding the risk and nesting in your comfort couch, right? But this life I currently hate, is the very life I've always loved. I'm ending this year miserably, but looking back... I've had a life well-lived. That's what matters: that I choose what I want to experience, that I enjoy each and every second, that I don't regret.

So here's some reflections despite the pain (this will feel hard but I'm trying you know). Gonna mix bahasa & English I think (just a heads up & disclaimer). I'm taking Kak Tsamara's journaling prompts:

• What were my biggest achievements in 2021?

Just like what I've mentioned, life has been cloudy and hazy with little to no sight of getting better. Susah untuk menentukan big achievement when you feel like shit... but despite the shitty Q4, I had a great wonderful Q1-Q3 and I really want to cling on that hope.

1. Aku menjadi lebih self-aware: I thought it wasn't until 2020 that I finally think that I am fully-aware of my decisions that I take (with full considerations of the consequences) and I feel powerful. I have been living autopilot in the past 24 years - pleasing everyone, doing things only for the sake of others, living to their expectation 24/7 and it's damn exhausting. I forget I have choices. I forget I can use some time in the middle of a stimulus & response to THINK and CHOOSE what I really want. Even in the tiniest matter like: aku ingin mandi sambil mikir atau merasakan airnya aja ya? Meskipun mindfulness itu bukan tujuan akhir (aku merasa mindfulness itu selalu dan akan selalu menjadi perjalanan, kendaraan) dan sampai detik aku nulis pun aku juga belum JAGO untuk bener-bener hadir dan sadar penuh, tapi tahun ini aku merasa jauh lebih baik. Meskipun iya, self-awareness pun datangnya juga dari waktu dan pengalaman dan of course it's no brainer makin tua makin banyak waktu kita dihabiskan, makin banyak pengalaman yang kita alami jadi ya sudah seharusnya jadi lebih self-aware dong. Ta tapi.... tahun ini aku belajar mendengarkan diriku lebih lagi, lebih sering ngajak ngomong diriku (lewat journaling, jalan pagi), lebih mau dealing with the hard conversation (dengan diri ini terutama), lebih bisa mengontrol diri sendiri. Meskipun iya, tahun ini aku banyak impulsif. Tapi aku impulsif yang mindful and highly aware of the consequences. Meskipun iya, Q4 I felt completely powerless and helpless when that's really not the case. But I am unlocking many layers of the onions this year. Finding what works and what doesn't, figuring out what I like and what I don't, my coping mechanism, my interactions style, MY VALUE, MY PURPOSE.... It's been an interesting journey so far of discovering myself and I'm hoping to do so next year.
2. Aku lulus UFLP dan bahkan doing remarkable in 3 stints: bohong kalo aku bilang aku nggak bangga sama diri sendiri aku berhasil melewati stint ke-3,4,5 UFLP dengan full success and pride. My 2nd stint (Pepsodent) was a hell of a ride dan stint SAT was the BEST stint I could ever ask for. Amazing manager, amazing colleagues, the work that I enjoy that gets me excited every single day, a freedom of time and accountability to delivering result. The balanced adrenaline rush of love and fear. I thank my mentor, Pak Wahyu, everytime for believing in me and there in Alfamart KAM team has been the time I feel I could deliver the best version of myself. Then on MCOE... Mas Andrie, I could say, is the best manager that I could call like a friend. Whom I can talk to without any pressure, whose advices are so spot-on and gets me. And being in MCOE during Ramadhan.... is really a blessing. My Ramadhan 2021 is the best, not only because I'm home with the people I love but also because I finally get the chance to learn deeply about my religion as it is PART of work. And last in UI... well the work was far less manageable than in MCOE, but damn I love the people. I really love the marketing people even to the lovely agency guys. I'm grateful that I get to find my other family here in UI, whom I can extend to friends rather than just colleagues. Meskipun presentasi sm Pak Badri berasa kayak di neraka, but my testimonies in those stints have helped me a lot. Bersyukur aku ditempatkan di stint-stint tersebut. ❤️
3. Really this is simple, but I really want to thank myself for this: the fact that I survive another day and just keep going. And this has very well to do with my current stint in SM. I hate to keep talking about my work life here in my blog but almost 70% of my life has been revolving about work so this is irresistable. My days in my current stint has been heavy. That another felt like another battle. That I hope time can quickly pass by. That my mental pain becomes physical (my heart does ache, like an empty void). That surviving up to 6pm is my daily win, my kind of simple celebration. So today, in my last of 2021, I just want to appreciate my past self who've been crying herself to sleep almost every night, waking up with a great sorrow at heart but brave enough to just get up, dress up, and face the world when I feel like I can crumble every single second. Makasi Bethari, udah bertahan. Makasi banget. Meskipun rasanya nggak enak banget, aku tahu, aku paham. Kamu kuat. Makasi ya. I wish I could hug you in days when you don't feel like it, when you don't feel like yourself enough. Know that you're loved, you're supported, you're worth it. No matter what people say. Makasi...

• What were the major events in 2021 for me?

Hal ini paling sulit di-list down... karena 2021 terlalu nano-nano untukku. Terlalu banyak highlights, terlalu banyak dopamine rush. Not a bad thing, justru good thing. I don't think too much I just did. Mumpung masih muda.

1. Work from Bali 2 bulan: berawal dari Ubud unplanned trip sama Hanun, berakhir tinggal sebulan sama Nyak, melakukan Bali things (chasing sunsets, weekend getaway to Karangasem/Buleleng/Nusa Penida, etc) while keeping myself sane sampai hafal jalanan Renon dan officially #BaliGurl. Sempet pulang 3 minggu but then I stayed for another 1 month and honestly, one of my best decisions in 2021. I had real fun. Makasi Nyak for the company & shelter. Appreciate your presence so much in my life.
2. Impulsive holiday plans (that includes Sumba & Jogja birthday trips): one of my best decisions too in 2021. Sumba bener-bener liburan yang menyenangkan. Visiting beautiful places with the best people, filling in my adrenaline rush at its best. Wishing to have more moments like this anytime soon! Also Jogja... the birthday trip I never knew I needed (and never planned). Tiba-tiba extend setelah naik Slamet, ketemu Caca, had many solo motor-trip to Parangtritis & Ulen Sentalu, snorkeling di Gunungkidul.... Really healed my broken days....
3. Naik gunung 3x: This is the craziest part. Never thought I'd hike 3 FREAKING HIGH MOUNTAINS IN THE SPAN OF 6 MONTHS. Rinjani, Slamet, Sumbing, those are 3400+ meters high mountains. Ain't cheesy choices. Starting 2021 I didn't think my life would be this adventurous, turns out... God has another plan. Plot twist? Hell yeah, I enjoyed the twist! Naik gunung adalah hal yang sangat aku nikmati.. the part of conquering myself & my fear, meeting new friends, exchange stories, not to mention the beautiful view. I wish God give me strengths many years to come to still be able to do this for the rest of my life.
4. So many firsts in my life: Both the good and the bad, I had many times trying out something new this year. Snorkeling (a real snorkel) bahkan sampe udah 4x ngelakuin this year (Karangasem, Nusa Penida, Gili Trawangan, Gunungkidul) dan sempet ketemu penyu. Aku nyoba makan bulu babi. Aku berkali-kali loncat dari ketinggian 1-3 meter (Air Terjun Waimarang, Danau Waikuri, Curug Sentul). Aku bawa mobil kemana-mana (dari jaman di Bali sampe sekarang di BSD). And not-so-fun part: Aku pertama kali ke psikolog. Pertama kali breakdown dan depresi sampe gabisa mikir.
5. Return to Workplace: this leaves me a mixed feeling. Of excitement and sadness. That I finally have the chance to go to office every single day like a normal corporate worker - making use of my makeup & fashionable outfits. Meeting my Jakarta friends, having a better social life with friends. And probably meeting jodoh. But that comes with a cost, and the cost is leaving my family, my Ocilili, my warm house in Jember, my comfortable country-side life to a hustle life in Jakarta. Life is indeed a series of highs and lows.

• What were my biggest learnings in 2021?
1. I am in control. Of my own thinking, mindset, values, decisions.... I can't fall into victim's mentality. That my biggest strength is my mindset and I am in charge of how I want to live my life, how my life will turn out to be. That I act upon my response and not be acted upon.
2. Kalau Maudy bilang the most important thing in life is authenticity dan kualitas laki-laki yang Raline Shah cari adalah integrity.... I've been thinking about this the whole time and I finally come to conclusion that it is SELF-AWARENESS the first and foremost important thing in life. Tanpa self-awareness, we will just be walking flesh. We will not be humans, homo sapiens. Self-awareness membuat kita BERPIKIR, dan pikiran itu yang membedakan kita dengan makhluk lainnya. Learned this a lot from many Philosophy podcasts & reads this year: "I think, so I become."
3. And the #2 will lead me to #3: Maudy and Raline has just helped me in crafting my own values that I hold dearly and those are: INTEGRITY (conforming our reality to our world - Stephen Covey, AUTHENTICITY (letting go of who we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are - Brene Brown), VULNERABILITY (the courage to show up and be seen even if we can't control the outcome - Brene Brown).
• What are the top 3 things I want to let go of?
1. The feeling of helplessness.
2. Baggage of family trauma
3. Too much overthinking - just start. Even if it's a baby steps. Start.
• What am I most grateful for in 2021?
1. Masih punya keluarga, meskipun tidak sempurna. Dan semua keluarga dalam keadaan sehat, meskipun ada pandemi tapi mostly nggak kena dan kalau kena Covid-19 juga nggak parah. Sungguh nikmat tiada tara.
2. Amazing places, friends, experience I get to encounter this year. Bersyukur Tuhan kasih alam Indonesia yang indah. Tuhan kasih kesempatan aku untuk travelling, uang, energi, waktu. Tuhan kasih teman2 yang baik, sebagai bentuk rezeki yang tidak ternilai harganya untuk aku, sampai kapanpun. Semoga aku bisa jadi teman yang lebih baik untuk mereka semua juga.
3. Kesempatan untuk self-actualize dan belajar. Masih punya pekerjaan yang baik, di tempat yang baik, dikeliling banyak leaders yang supportif (meskipun ya tidak semua #KeepingItReal), dibayar dengan layak, memberiku kesempatan untuk belajar tapi juga berkontribusi dan mengaktualisasikan diri. Dikasi kesempatan untuk belajar lewat Follow Your Flow juga. Dipertemukan dengan podcast bagus. Terima kasih ya Allah.
• What lesson do I want to bring into 2022?
• Bethari bahagia dan cukup
• Bethari aktif dan proaktif
• Bethari siap belajar hal baru
• Pretty much the same with my mantra since October 2020, just putting it right here so I can always internalize this within.

All in all, 2021 is a year of growth. My highest high and lowest low.

And now that I've hit the rock bottom, the only way is upwards and onwards.

When you believe in something, believe in it all the way.

Love & light, B.

My bullet holes.

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Just when I thought this year would be the answer to the questions above, it came struck me - just last week, that I hadn't healed. In fact, I haven't even started healing. And I do hate myself for that. I have 2 modes all the time, and any side of the spectrum can come out unexpectedly any time - without me knowing which will. There is no in between, either I hate them or I love them.

I came to this realization - that my parents are only human, few months ago and I can't stop thinking about it ever since. They are just humans, always have always will. But triggers are triggers and as long as I haven't made any amends, they will keep triggering me - or it's more like I will keep letting them trigger me. The point: my self-control, my revelation.

Few weeks ago I had this workshop about forgiving. 3-hour workshop, with the guided journaling & art therapy. I realize a 24-year old wound would be impossible to be lifted with a 3-hour workshop. "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes.", Taylor Swift says. So how are you supposed to fix a bullet hole? It's a complex surgery with a lot of pain. No way out.

I've always had my inner child response as my ultimate reason why I'm out of control every time my parents triggered me. Unconsciously thinking that what I do all this time is making it my ace, my one card they could never deny. They hurt me my whole fucking life with the trauma. As much as I try, I hadn't forgiven them. I'm holding fire, the tighter I hold on to it, the hotter it becomes, the harder the hurt. So in thee workshop they said "Aku memaafkan bukan karena mereka pantas dimaafkan, tetapi karena aku berhak atas kedamaian hidup." and that can't be any more true.

This whole year I'm denying the idea that I'm holding up that fire. I have this bullet hole and it's kept open that it feels uncomfortably familiar. So here I am, gathering my courage, to sign myself up for a 10-time counseling sessions regarding inner child healing. Investing sizeable amount of my energy, time, and money. Going through that surgery expecting lots of pain in the process, hoping to come out clean. If not as healthy, at least better.

Well at least I gave my best shot already.

 "Mungkinkah alasan mengapa cinta menghilang menjadi alasan yang sama cinta berpulang?"

Rumah yang Baru

Ikhlas.... dan berserah.

Dua kata yang dalam sekali maknanya tapi paling susah dilakukan.

Malem ini Allah kasih lagi ujian dengan Iyak yang sakit dan harus operasi. My head hurts. My body aches. My heart is broken I can't put into words. Kepalaku berat sekali. Dari tadi hati dan otakku bertengkar, harus ikut siapa. Harus bertindak seperti apa. Harus menahan tapi juga harus melepaskan. Ingin marah tapi aku udah nggak sanggup (dan sudah berjanji) kalau aku akan berusaha...sesulit apapun.

Ikhlas.

Nggak ngerti pengertian harfiah ikhlas itu seperti apa. Tapi mungkin rasanya seperti ini. Hatiku kalut, tapi aku berusaha tenang. Tau bahwa apa yang tertulis untukku tidak akan melewatkanku dan sebaliknya. Masih belajar... karena rasanya sulit sekali.

...dan Berserah.

Belum sampai tahap paling akhir... tapi semoga aku sampai sana. Ketika hatiku akhirnya tenang mengetahui bahwa Allah lagi nyiapin rencana-rencana indah-Nya yang masih disimpen pake pita merah di belakang. Katanya iman adalah tentang percaya apa yang rasanya gak masuk akal. Mungkin ini namanya beriman. And just think how beautiful is it that Islam itself means "surrender" - berserah. Tugas kita sebagai muslim, setelah melakukan semua yang kita bisa, memang berserah. Biarkan Tuhan yang ambil bagian sisanya.

I'm crying as I'm typing this.

Maafkan aku sudah jadi anak durhaka malam ini ya Tuhan. Mudahkan aku untuk menemukan dan menjalankan perasaan ikhlas dan berserah ini lebih baik setiap harinya.

Setiakan aku pada proses ini, Allah.

Aku percaya pada rencana-Mu. Aku mengimani kebesaran-Mu.

Dreams - we just had to.

Jumat kemarin abis makan malem sama Adey - one person I just got closer with this year since my UI days. She's like a Godsent angel that saved my days many times (love you, Adey, let's stick around for a long, long time!). I guess the reason why aku dekat dengan Adey, selain karena kerjaan yg ga kelar-kelar dan penuh komedi sejak di UI, sampe sekarang aku di SM dan Adey di Buavita adalah... karena kita punya mimpi yang sama.

Tentu berbicara mimpi untuk manusia berumur 24 dan 25 tahun sangat naif (atau tidak?), tapi seperti yang sering aku gaungkan. Gak peduli mimpinya tercapai atau nggak - dreams are not only meant to be achieved. Dreams are there to keep you going. 

Kita sama-sama suka isu sosial. We both want to work for/with UN. Not quite sure the specific role would be, we just want to drive change - as small as it can be - for a greater good. And so there we are after opening up about our dreams - foolishly hang our hopes up at the sky, treating it like the light at the end of the tunnel.

Jumat kemarin obrolannya tentu saja, bermula dari kerjaan yang sangat menguras fisik dan mental di kantor ini. Of how stressful it's been for both of us to keep up with everything, despite having limited rest time to begin with. (not promoting toxic productivity here - we just had to), then about.....

1. How some people just BELONG to this company and how we think we just.... DON'T - assessing if it's on us to blame or is it just life. Like how we struggle to keep everything in place, how we always question our worth & capability while some others can love this company to bits while here we are here trying hard to inject meaning for the sake of self-actualization and still somehow failed....
2. How some can be very PRAGMATIC when it comes to numbers and how can't we..... Obrolan ini dimulai akibat aku cerita tentang Andhara yang sangat realistis dan pragmatis mengejar angka di awal karirnya - which is GAPAPA, dan pada akhirnya membuat kita berpikir.... kenapa ya kita nggak bisa se-pragmatis itu? Kenapa kita HARUS punya mimpi yang kayak gitu? Yang bikin kita punya what if scenarios in our head tentang ideal & beautiful things we'll have on parallel universe if everything falls into place dan akhirnya bikin kita merasa perlu punya back up plan of how things should be...

Jujur aku benci mikirin ini - tapi ini somehow harus dihadapi - karena aku tau jawabannya. Aku benci punya mimpi yang tinggi karena aku tau, kalo ditarik ke kondisi sekarang, my dreams are nowhere close dan aku ga siap menghadapi diriku sendiri dan pikiran-pikiran idealis maupun pragmatisnya. Kalo aku tau ini gak align sama mimpiku, aku tau aku harusnya ngejar, but I stay. And it's because and only because I need the money. Tapi aku nggak tau (belum mikirin lebih tepatnya) sampai kapan kondisinya terus begini.

So when Adey raised that concern.... I just need to agree. I hate why I have this dream that I make up scenarios in my head, but I knew I just had to. We just had to - as idealistic as they might sound.