Just when I thought this year would be the answer to the questions above, it came struck me - just last week, that I hadn't healed. In fact, I haven't even started healing. And I do hate myself for that. I have 2 modes all the time, and any side of the spectrum can come out unexpectedly any time - without me knowing which will. There is no in between, either I hate them or I love them.
I came to this realization - that my parents are only human, few months ago and I can't stop thinking about it ever since. They are just humans, always have always will. But triggers are triggers and as long as I haven't made any amends, they will keep triggering me - or it's more like I will keep letting them trigger me. The point: my self-control, my revelation.
Few weeks ago I had this workshop about forgiving. 3-hour workshop, with the guided journaling & art therapy. I realize a 24-year old wound would be impossible to be lifted with a 3-hour workshop. "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes.", Taylor Swift says. So how are you supposed to fix a bullet hole? It's a complex surgery with a lot of pain. No way out.
I've always had my inner child response as my ultimate reason why I'm out of control every time my parents triggered me. Unconsciously thinking that what I do all this time is making it my ace, my one card they could never deny. They hurt me my whole fucking life with the trauma. As much as I try, I hadn't forgiven them. I'm holding fire, the tighter I hold on to it, the hotter it becomes, the harder the hurt. So in thee workshop they said "Aku memaafkan bukan karena mereka pantas dimaafkan, tetapi karena aku berhak atas kedamaian hidup." and that can't be any more true.
This whole year I'm denying the idea that I'm holding up that fire. I have this bullet hole and it's kept open that it feels uncomfortably familiar. So here I am, gathering my courage, to sign myself up for a 10-time counseling sessions regarding inner child healing. Investing sizeable amount of my energy, time, and money. Going through that surgery expecting lots of pain in the process, hoping to come out clean. If not as healthy, at least better.
Well at least I gave my best shot already.
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