My first post in 2021 is written on my way to Bali. During the pandemic. I know we're being crazy. But really this WFH thing is killing us so we are really gonna work from (temporary) home....in Ubud. A week of new view wont hurt, hopefully. We? Yes, me and Hanun.
Sebenarnya ini udah hampir tengah malem, udah siap mau bobo di travel. Tapi karna lg pasang lagu cozy dan suasana mendukung....jadi berkontemplasi.
Allah tuh...baik banget.
Barusan ikut kelas GMAT bareng Nadia dan kita berencana bikin side project yg bikin kita paling tidak jadi manusia berguna lagi. We're longing for that fulfillment feeling. Terus jadi mikir....udah 2 taun aku masuk dunia kerja.
Sudah 25 bulan tepatnya, now is my 26th month. Dua tahun, waktu yang lama tapi cepat. Rasanya ga berasa tapi berasa. Dan....emang banyak bgt berubah rasanya. Mulai dari yg intangible spt caraku memandang hidup, sampai yg tangible spt.....gaji.
Masih dalam euforia hari Rabu dimana dapet email dari Pak Wahyu yang ternyata adalah surat yg menyatakan kalo gajiku....naik. During the pandemic. I was expecting this, but with this pandemic and stuffs, surviving is more than enough let alone salary rise. Allah baik bgt.
Seriously kalau ada yg baca ini semoga ga salah tafsir jadi sombong atau pgn pamer, ini sarana refleksi diriku sendiri aja. Rasanya masih gapercaya naik gaji. Lebih ke: DO I REALLY DESERVE THIS MUCH PAY? 🥺
I'm not sure if this fact or simply is my impostor side taking lead. Tentu saja aku bersyukur, it's just that I'm....not prepared for this. All my life, denger kata 10 juta aja rasanya kaya BANYAKKK BGT. Banyak banget. Dan dengan kondisi keluargaku yg ekonominya ya begitulah (this topic still triggers me emotionally), punya 10 juta secara insidental aja rasanya hampir ga mungkin, apalagi punya 10 juta secara rutin. Mungkin inilah salah satu sebab aku selalu merasa impostor ya, selalu merasa undeserving. Bayangin orang kerja kok enak banget ya, punya 10 juta rutin. Bisa lakuin ini itu dan less afraid to take risky challenges.
Nah sekarang masalahnya, they pay me XX-times 10 juta. SECARA RUTIN. I do NOT anticipate this feeling. I don't think I will ever all my life. And this happens....so fast. Too fast.
I remember my first role in Kantar...they paid me 5.5jt/month. That time I thought yauda gapapa toh fresh grad harus banyak belajar. Ngerasain ngekos di tempat di Kuningan dgn kosan harga 1jt perbulan (tolong dibayangkan seburuk apa dgn rate Kuningan). No AC. Campur cowok-cewek (worst decision). Kamar mandi luar. Sabun sering dicuri tiba2 abis. Digodain abang genit. Orang sebelah nyanyi kedengeran. Pernah kena kutu rambut pula. The list goes on and on.
Now here I am 2 years later. Move to even bigger company. Highly reputable one. Pay me XX times my first salary only after 1.5 year joining. Afford to take kosan rate 2-3jt dengan TV dan kamar mandi dalam tanpa merasa terbebani. Able to buy anything I want. And what my family wants. Feeling okay and child-like ecstatic buying KFC bucket (finally). Now going to Ubud without really thinking on the expenses just bcs I need the so-called peace of mind. The list goes on and on. And this happens....so fast. Too fast.
Rasanya senang dan menakutkan. Kayak...now what again? Where's the poop? When something's too good to be true then it's not true, ya kan? Well...I do not hope so. But still it haunts me. Aku nggak mau terbuai dengan semua ini. If I were not what my role is, who am I?
I still want to be called as some kind of person, human. With my being, interest, emotions. Not some kind of title nor achievements nor numbers. Because I have stories and that's what I hope my strength comes from. I hope these golds won't blind me.
Tapi ya Allah, if You really think I deserve all this....then help me. Help me to make use the best of it. To be able to learn, contribute, and give my 100% to my company while at the same time letting others grow through me.
Mampukan aku untuk bisa memanfaatkan rezeki-Mu ini sebaik-baiknya untukku dan orang-orang sekitarku. Untuk bukain lebih banyak pintu sehingga mereka bisa bukain pintu untuk yang lain, so they can build their own privilege too.
Bismillah..
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