A Season of Becoming.

Triggered nulis ini karena abis baca postingan blog Mamuy tentang last day being 24 yang di-post pas mau ulang tahun. Sumpah aku suka bgt baca blog Mamuy soalnya literally kayak Mamuy lg ngomong tapi bentuknya tulisan gitu WKWKW. Nah terus Mamuy sounds so..... happy.

Katanya dia menemukan ilham hidup tuh di September 2020, kayak turning point di masa quarter life crisisnya. Yang bikin dia jadi lebih semangat hidup (ya kalo ga semangat hidup jd ga nafas apa gimana ya wkwkwk bingung kalo disuru mendefinisikan), lebih semangat kerja (dia abis pindah kerja yg bikin dia ga clueless2 amat), dan... dia seneng banget soalnya punya pacar yang kata dia suayang dan cuintaaaa banget sampe liat doang tuh pengen nangis rasanya. Ngakak tp kok sweet ya WKWKW.

Mamuy bilang umur 24 dia itu mempersiapkan dia menuju umur 25. Umur yang ditunggu-tunggu sejak dia 18 tahun. Aku jadi berefleksi gitu setelah baca.... 

Jujur, aku ya nggak inget sih ada spesifik umur yang aku tunggu-tungguuuu banget. Tapi ya gimanasih, kayanya patokan dewasa dimana-mana yang sepertinya sudah cukup 'matang' (plis jangan tanya definisi karena aku juga gatau) itu ya umur segitu. Jangankan umur 25, mikir umur 23 pas dulu masih belasan tahun aja kok rasanya jauh. I thought I 'd be very mature. Now that I am (about to hit) 25, rasanya aku kok ya nggak dewasa-dewasa amat. Well I've gained some wisdom here and there, much more emotionally secured (but still got triggered alot too many times), but yeah.... I don't think I am THAT mature woman my younger self would envision me to be.

Aku...jadi membandingkan dengan path-ku. Iya paham hidup ga perlu dibandingin, cuma doing this out of curiosity aja. Kalo 24 tahun Mamuy itu titik balik, apakah 24 tahunku juga adalah titik balikku? Kapankah 'September 2020'-ku?

Jujur kalau disuruh shifting waktu sesuai umur, aku ga pernah inget dan kepikiran ketika aku umur berapa aku gimana. I am playing with Gregorian years. My bets year was 2018. My worst year was 2020. But on a nother note, seriously tho 2020 was a hell of a ride. Family problem, pandemic, the burnout...... Dan kembali ke fase titik balik untuk akhirnya mulai awake lagi.... when I was in 2020, I was still 23 actually (at least until Oct). My biggest thunderstorm was in March-Sep, when I was 23. And my turning point was in Oct 2020, when I finally see the rainbow after the rain.

And my rainbow includes:

• To have relatively build a strong system of working out each day - that doing one doesn't feel like hell anymore as a mean of LOVING & APPRECIATING MY BODY, and not because I was insecure.
• To pass UFLP 1 year preso that feels like my 2nd hell.
• To finally be able to see the good of everything/everyone and become more mindful
• To be able to really show who I am, in the workplace :)
• To be brave to open my heart again to someone new....even if now (6 months later) this thing didn't work out #life #sigh

October has always been my favorite month deh. It was easy and beautiful.

And here I am at June 2021. Being 24 and still as clueless as I was in 23.

Life is getting better (from my POV) that I am able to be more mindful (vs SP LY - huhu sangatlah sales) meskipun lately memang micromoments tidak se-mindful itu, but secara macro yes. Dan..... bukan iri sama Mamuy sih. It's just.... wow.... gimana rasanya ya to finally have everything in place? Imagine how relieved it'd feel.......

I carry baggage. Lots of them. Not everyone's fault (even in my most emotional days I'd like to believe that my parents caused this) but it is my fault. I am still trying to embrace and accept. Very hard & exhausting. I got set off many times, but seriously... I am trying.

I am trying to forgive my parent. To love myself. To embrace change and flaws. To feel again.

Just here hoping I'll be able to heal soon and let God do His wonder giving me the best of plans.

There is a season for everything. I'll call mine now as a season of becoming.