Falling Behind.

I hate this kind of feeling.

The very reason I quitted instagram almost two months ago: the feeling of falling behind. And out of nowhere, I am (silently) unquitting it again, scrolling randomly through photos wasting my time. It strikes me again. How on earth did I forget that instagram is the platform where people showcases how good they are at something.

Just. How. Come.

And here I am, enjoying the cause of my deed backfiring at me.

Everyone's living their (so-called) good life. Udah sidang, tinggal revisi, mulai apply kerja, intern, jalan keluar negeri (either for a program or a vacation) and I am here merely waiting for my defense schedule doing nothing (literally).

As much as I know how magical God's timing is......there's always that feeling that I am not good enough. That people are cool and I'm just some kinds of..... trash.

And as much as I want to spare these two months to graduation as a contemplation moment.....there's always that urge to rush things just because everyone's doing so. I mean, I want to start my own worklife too but I (do) need some time to re-considerare and re-think so that I wont re....gret.

I don't know whether to share this to you will help me cope, but let me just take a moment to organise my mind:

1. It's thesis defense and revision days to the end of August.

2. It's road trip and Prau journey hopefully in September. Probably plus impromptu solo backpacking to Sumatera or Sulawesi if possible.

3. It's hopefully a Asian Paragames at early October.

4. And it's graduation and making lots of important decisions on October. To make it clear: intern/full time, Pengajar Muda or not, Jakarta/Surabaya, stay in Bandung or keep wandering around.

Hope that I'm not careless enough to ruin my own life with all this. And hope that I won't care enough with my friends' great achievements to think that I am bad enough to call myself a failure.

I  hope.

(I am a Work in Progress 1000x, oh how much I want to remind myself this every single time. It is okay not to be okay.)

So let's go back to a life without instagram without daring to open it even for secs.

Your curiosity won't feed you enough, Beth...