2021: Annual Reflection.

So here we are the last day of 2021. What a year it's been, huh? A kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats it is. 2021 is the time where I had the loudest scream, the most adrenaline rush, where I reach the top of the hills, but drown to the bottom of the sea. Polar. Skewed. Black and white. No gray. But full of other colors in seemingly one-color spectrum.

Pain + Reflections = Progress.

Clarity + Progress = Motivation.

Frankly speaking I am in not my best condition to write hopeful things. Life has been... rough, and it makes everything hazy. And when the weather's hazy, you prefer to stay at home avoiding the risk and nesting in your comfort couch, right? But this life I currently hate, is the very life I've always loved. I'm ending this year miserably, but looking back... I've had a life well-lived. That's what matters: that I choose what I want to experience, that I enjoy each and every second, that I don't regret.

So here's some reflections despite the pain (this will feel hard but I'm trying you know). Gonna mix bahasa & English I think (just a heads up & disclaimer). I'm taking Kak Tsamara's journaling prompts:

• What were my biggest achievements in 2021?

Just like what I've mentioned, life has been cloudy and hazy with little to no sight of getting better. Susah untuk menentukan big achievement when you feel like shit... but despite the shitty Q4, I had a great wonderful Q1-Q3 and I really want to cling on that hope.

1. Aku menjadi lebih self-aware: I thought it wasn't until 2020 that I finally think that I am fully-aware of my decisions that I take (with full considerations of the consequences) and I feel powerful. I have been living autopilot in the past 24 years - pleasing everyone, doing things only for the sake of others, living to their expectation 24/7 and it's damn exhausting. I forget I have choices. I forget I can use some time in the middle of a stimulus & response to THINK and CHOOSE what I really want. Even in the tiniest matter like: aku ingin mandi sambil mikir atau merasakan airnya aja ya? Meskipun mindfulness itu bukan tujuan akhir (aku merasa mindfulness itu selalu dan akan selalu menjadi perjalanan, kendaraan) dan sampai detik aku nulis pun aku juga belum JAGO untuk bener-bener hadir dan sadar penuh, tapi tahun ini aku merasa jauh lebih baik. Meskipun iya, self-awareness pun datangnya juga dari waktu dan pengalaman dan of course it's no brainer makin tua makin banyak waktu kita dihabiskan, makin banyak pengalaman yang kita alami jadi ya sudah seharusnya jadi lebih self-aware dong. Ta tapi.... tahun ini aku belajar mendengarkan diriku lebih lagi, lebih sering ngajak ngomong diriku (lewat journaling, jalan pagi), lebih mau dealing with the hard conversation (dengan diri ini terutama), lebih bisa mengontrol diri sendiri. Meskipun iya, tahun ini aku banyak impulsif. Tapi aku impulsif yang mindful and highly aware of the consequences. Meskipun iya, Q4 I felt completely powerless and helpless when that's really not the case. But I am unlocking many layers of the onions this year. Finding what works and what doesn't, figuring out what I like and what I don't, my coping mechanism, my interactions style, MY VALUE, MY PURPOSE.... It's been an interesting journey so far of discovering myself and I'm hoping to do so next year.
2. Aku lulus UFLP dan bahkan doing remarkable in 3 stints: bohong kalo aku bilang aku nggak bangga sama diri sendiri aku berhasil melewati stint ke-3,4,5 UFLP dengan full success and pride. My 2nd stint (Pepsodent) was a hell of a ride dan stint SAT was the BEST stint I could ever ask for. Amazing manager, amazing colleagues, the work that I enjoy that gets me excited every single day, a freedom of time and accountability to delivering result. The balanced adrenaline rush of love and fear. I thank my mentor, Pak Wahyu, everytime for believing in me and there in Alfamart KAM team has been the time I feel I could deliver the best version of myself. Then on MCOE... Mas Andrie, I could say, is the best manager that I could call like a friend. Whom I can talk to without any pressure, whose advices are so spot-on and gets me. And being in MCOE during Ramadhan.... is really a blessing. My Ramadhan 2021 is the best, not only because I'm home with the people I love but also because I finally get the chance to learn deeply about my religion as it is PART of work. And last in UI... well the work was far less manageable than in MCOE, but damn I love the people. I really love the marketing people even to the lovely agency guys. I'm grateful that I get to find my other family here in UI, whom I can extend to friends rather than just colleagues. Meskipun presentasi sm Pak Badri berasa kayak di neraka, but my testimonies in those stints have helped me a lot. Bersyukur aku ditempatkan di stint-stint tersebut. ❤️
3. Really this is simple, but I really want to thank myself for this: the fact that I survive another day and just keep going. And this has very well to do with my current stint in SM. I hate to keep talking about my work life here in my blog but almost 70% of my life has been revolving about work so this is irresistable. My days in my current stint has been heavy. That another felt like another battle. That I hope time can quickly pass by. That my mental pain becomes physical (my heart does ache, like an empty void). That surviving up to 6pm is my daily win, my kind of simple celebration. So today, in my last of 2021, I just want to appreciate my past self who've been crying herself to sleep almost every night, waking up with a great sorrow at heart but brave enough to just get up, dress up, and face the world when I feel like I can crumble every single second. Makasi Bethari, udah bertahan. Makasi banget. Meskipun rasanya nggak enak banget, aku tahu, aku paham. Kamu kuat. Makasi ya. I wish I could hug you in days when you don't feel like it, when you don't feel like yourself enough. Know that you're loved, you're supported, you're worth it. No matter what people say. Makasi...

• What were the major events in 2021 for me?

Hal ini paling sulit di-list down... karena 2021 terlalu nano-nano untukku. Terlalu banyak highlights, terlalu banyak dopamine rush. Not a bad thing, justru good thing. I don't think too much I just did. Mumpung masih muda.

1. Work from Bali 2 bulan: berawal dari Ubud unplanned trip sama Hanun, berakhir tinggal sebulan sama Nyak, melakukan Bali things (chasing sunsets, weekend getaway to Karangasem/Buleleng/Nusa Penida, etc) while keeping myself sane sampai hafal jalanan Renon dan officially #BaliGurl. Sempet pulang 3 minggu but then I stayed for another 1 month and honestly, one of my best decisions in 2021. I had real fun. Makasi Nyak for the company & shelter. Appreciate your presence so much in my life.
2. Impulsive holiday plans (that includes Sumba & Jogja birthday trips): one of my best decisions too in 2021. Sumba bener-bener liburan yang menyenangkan. Visiting beautiful places with the best people, filling in my adrenaline rush at its best. Wishing to have more moments like this anytime soon! Also Jogja... the birthday trip I never knew I needed (and never planned). Tiba-tiba extend setelah naik Slamet, ketemu Caca, had many solo motor-trip to Parangtritis & Ulen Sentalu, snorkeling di Gunungkidul.... Really healed my broken days....
3. Naik gunung 3x: This is the craziest part. Never thought I'd hike 3 FREAKING HIGH MOUNTAINS IN THE SPAN OF 6 MONTHS. Rinjani, Slamet, Sumbing, those are 3400+ meters high mountains. Ain't cheesy choices. Starting 2021 I didn't think my life would be this adventurous, turns out... God has another plan. Plot twist? Hell yeah, I enjoyed the twist! Naik gunung adalah hal yang sangat aku nikmati.. the part of conquering myself & my fear, meeting new friends, exchange stories, not to mention the beautiful view. I wish God give me strengths many years to come to still be able to do this for the rest of my life.
4. So many firsts in my life: Both the good and the bad, I had many times trying out something new this year. Snorkeling (a real snorkel) bahkan sampe udah 4x ngelakuin this year (Karangasem, Nusa Penida, Gili Trawangan, Gunungkidul) dan sempet ketemu penyu. Aku nyoba makan bulu babi. Aku berkali-kali loncat dari ketinggian 1-3 meter (Air Terjun Waimarang, Danau Waikuri, Curug Sentul). Aku bawa mobil kemana-mana (dari jaman di Bali sampe sekarang di BSD). And not-so-fun part: Aku pertama kali ke psikolog. Pertama kali breakdown dan depresi sampe gabisa mikir.
5. Return to Workplace: this leaves me a mixed feeling. Of excitement and sadness. That I finally have the chance to go to office every single day like a normal corporate worker - making use of my makeup & fashionable outfits. Meeting my Jakarta friends, having a better social life with friends. And probably meeting jodoh. But that comes with a cost, and the cost is leaving my family, my Ocilili, my warm house in Jember, my comfortable country-side life to a hustle life in Jakarta. Life is indeed a series of highs and lows.

• What were my biggest learnings in 2021?
1. I am in control. Of my own thinking, mindset, values, decisions.... I can't fall into victim's mentality. That my biggest strength is my mindset and I am in charge of how I want to live my life, how my life will turn out to be. That I act upon my response and not be acted upon.
2. Kalau Maudy bilang the most important thing in life is authenticity dan kualitas laki-laki yang Raline Shah cari adalah integrity.... I've been thinking about this the whole time and I finally come to conclusion that it is SELF-AWARENESS the first and foremost important thing in life. Tanpa self-awareness, we will just be walking flesh. We will not be humans, homo sapiens. Self-awareness membuat kita BERPIKIR, dan pikiran itu yang membedakan kita dengan makhluk lainnya. Learned this a lot from many Philosophy podcasts & reads this year: "I think, so I become."
3. And the #2 will lead me to #3: Maudy and Raline has just helped me in crafting my own values that I hold dearly and those are: INTEGRITY (conforming our reality to our world - Stephen Covey, AUTHENTICITY (letting go of who we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are - Brene Brown), VULNERABILITY (the courage to show up and be seen even if we can't control the outcome - Brene Brown).
• What are the top 3 things I want to let go of?
1. The feeling of helplessness.
2. Baggage of family trauma
3. Too much overthinking - just start. Even if it's a baby steps. Start.
• What am I most grateful for in 2021?
1. Masih punya keluarga, meskipun tidak sempurna. Dan semua keluarga dalam keadaan sehat, meskipun ada pandemi tapi mostly nggak kena dan kalau kena Covid-19 juga nggak parah. Sungguh nikmat tiada tara.
2. Amazing places, friends, experience I get to encounter this year. Bersyukur Tuhan kasih alam Indonesia yang indah. Tuhan kasih kesempatan aku untuk travelling, uang, energi, waktu. Tuhan kasih teman2 yang baik, sebagai bentuk rezeki yang tidak ternilai harganya untuk aku, sampai kapanpun. Semoga aku bisa jadi teman yang lebih baik untuk mereka semua juga.
3. Kesempatan untuk self-actualize dan belajar. Masih punya pekerjaan yang baik, di tempat yang baik, dikeliling banyak leaders yang supportif (meskipun ya tidak semua #KeepingItReal), dibayar dengan layak, memberiku kesempatan untuk belajar tapi juga berkontribusi dan mengaktualisasikan diri. Dikasi kesempatan untuk belajar lewat Follow Your Flow juga. Dipertemukan dengan podcast bagus. Terima kasih ya Allah.
• What lesson do I want to bring into 2022?
• Bethari bahagia dan cukup
• Bethari aktif dan proaktif
• Bethari siap belajar hal baru
• Pretty much the same with my mantra since October 2020, just putting it right here so I can always internalize this within.

All in all, 2021 is a year of growth. My highest high and lowest low.

And now that I've hit the rock bottom, the only way is upwards and onwards.

When you believe in something, believe in it all the way.

Love & light, B.

My bullet holes.

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Just when I thought this year would be the answer to the questions above, it came struck me - just last week, that I hadn't healed. In fact, I haven't even started healing. And I do hate myself for that. I have 2 modes all the time, and any side of the spectrum can come out unexpectedly any time - without me knowing which will. There is no in between, either I hate them or I love them.

I came to this realization - that my parents are only human, few months ago and I can't stop thinking about it ever since. They are just humans, always have always will. But triggers are triggers and as long as I haven't made any amends, they will keep triggering me - or it's more like I will keep letting them trigger me. The point: my self-control, my revelation.

Few weeks ago I had this workshop about forgiving. 3-hour workshop, with the guided journaling & art therapy. I realize a 24-year old wound would be impossible to be lifted with a 3-hour workshop. "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes.", Taylor Swift says. So how are you supposed to fix a bullet hole? It's a complex surgery with a lot of pain. No way out.

I've always had my inner child response as my ultimate reason why I'm out of control every time my parents triggered me. Unconsciously thinking that what I do all this time is making it my ace, my one card they could never deny. They hurt me my whole fucking life with the trauma. As much as I try, I hadn't forgiven them. I'm holding fire, the tighter I hold on to it, the hotter it becomes, the harder the hurt. So in thee workshop they said "Aku memaafkan bukan karena mereka pantas dimaafkan, tetapi karena aku berhak atas kedamaian hidup." and that can't be any more true.

This whole year I'm denying the idea that I'm holding up that fire. I have this bullet hole and it's kept open that it feels uncomfortably familiar. So here I am, gathering my courage, to sign myself up for a 10-time counseling sessions regarding inner child healing. Investing sizeable amount of my energy, time, and money. Going through that surgery expecting lots of pain in the process, hoping to come out clean. If not as healthy, at least better.

Well at least I gave my best shot already.

 "Mungkinkah alasan mengapa cinta menghilang menjadi alasan yang sama cinta berpulang?"

Rumah yang Baru

Ikhlas.... dan berserah.

Dua kata yang dalam sekali maknanya tapi paling susah dilakukan.

Malem ini Allah kasih lagi ujian dengan Iyak yang sakit dan harus operasi. My head hurts. My body aches. My heart is broken I can't put into words. Kepalaku berat sekali. Dari tadi hati dan otakku bertengkar, harus ikut siapa. Harus bertindak seperti apa. Harus menahan tapi juga harus melepaskan. Ingin marah tapi aku udah nggak sanggup (dan sudah berjanji) kalau aku akan berusaha...sesulit apapun.

Ikhlas.

Nggak ngerti pengertian harfiah ikhlas itu seperti apa. Tapi mungkin rasanya seperti ini. Hatiku kalut, tapi aku berusaha tenang. Tau bahwa apa yang tertulis untukku tidak akan melewatkanku dan sebaliknya. Masih belajar... karena rasanya sulit sekali.

...dan Berserah.

Belum sampai tahap paling akhir... tapi semoga aku sampai sana. Ketika hatiku akhirnya tenang mengetahui bahwa Allah lagi nyiapin rencana-rencana indah-Nya yang masih disimpen pake pita merah di belakang. Katanya iman adalah tentang percaya apa yang rasanya gak masuk akal. Mungkin ini namanya beriman. And just think how beautiful is it that Islam itself means "surrender" - berserah. Tugas kita sebagai muslim, setelah melakukan semua yang kita bisa, memang berserah. Biarkan Tuhan yang ambil bagian sisanya.

I'm crying as I'm typing this.

Maafkan aku sudah jadi anak durhaka malam ini ya Tuhan. Mudahkan aku untuk menemukan dan menjalankan perasaan ikhlas dan berserah ini lebih baik setiap harinya.

Setiakan aku pada proses ini, Allah.

Aku percaya pada rencana-Mu. Aku mengimani kebesaran-Mu.

Dreams - we just had to.

Jumat kemarin abis makan malem sama Adey - one person I just got closer with this year since my UI days. She's like a Godsent angel that saved my days many times (love you, Adey, let's stick around for a long, long time!). I guess the reason why aku dekat dengan Adey, selain karena kerjaan yg ga kelar-kelar dan penuh komedi sejak di UI, sampe sekarang aku di SM dan Adey di Buavita adalah... karena kita punya mimpi yang sama.

Tentu berbicara mimpi untuk manusia berumur 24 dan 25 tahun sangat naif (atau tidak?), tapi seperti yang sering aku gaungkan. Gak peduli mimpinya tercapai atau nggak - dreams are not only meant to be achieved. Dreams are there to keep you going. 

Kita sama-sama suka isu sosial. We both want to work for/with UN. Not quite sure the specific role would be, we just want to drive change - as small as it can be - for a greater good. And so there we are after opening up about our dreams - foolishly hang our hopes up at the sky, treating it like the light at the end of the tunnel.

Jumat kemarin obrolannya tentu saja, bermula dari kerjaan yang sangat menguras fisik dan mental di kantor ini. Of how stressful it's been for both of us to keep up with everything, despite having limited rest time to begin with. (not promoting toxic productivity here - we just had to), then about.....

1. How some people just BELONG to this company and how we think we just.... DON'T - assessing if it's on us to blame or is it just life. Like how we struggle to keep everything in place, how we always question our worth & capability while some others can love this company to bits while here we are here trying hard to inject meaning for the sake of self-actualization and still somehow failed....
2. How some can be very PRAGMATIC when it comes to numbers and how can't we..... Obrolan ini dimulai akibat aku cerita tentang Andhara yang sangat realistis dan pragmatis mengejar angka di awal karirnya - which is GAPAPA, dan pada akhirnya membuat kita berpikir.... kenapa ya kita nggak bisa se-pragmatis itu? Kenapa kita HARUS punya mimpi yang kayak gitu? Yang bikin kita punya what if scenarios in our head tentang ideal & beautiful things we'll have on parallel universe if everything falls into place dan akhirnya bikin kita merasa perlu punya back up plan of how things should be...

Jujur aku benci mikirin ini - tapi ini somehow harus dihadapi - karena aku tau jawabannya. Aku benci punya mimpi yang tinggi karena aku tau, kalo ditarik ke kondisi sekarang, my dreams are nowhere close dan aku ga siap menghadapi diriku sendiri dan pikiran-pikiran idealis maupun pragmatisnya. Kalo aku tau ini gak align sama mimpiku, aku tau aku harusnya ngejar, but I stay. And it's because and only because I need the money. Tapi aku nggak tau (belum mikirin lebih tepatnya) sampai kapan kondisinya terus begini.

So when Adey raised that concern.... I just need to agree. I hate why I have this dream that I make up scenarios in my head, but I knew I just had to. We just had to - as idealistic as they might sound.

My favorite verse.

 

Teringat seorang sahabat setia, Dia slalu berkata "Aku beserta."

The right here and now.

 

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Teman-temanku yang baik hati.

Malam ini malam Senin. Malam yang sedang berusaha aku cintai akhir-akhir ini karena Senin sudah kuasosiasikan dengan hal-hal buruk (meeting, list kerjaan yg makin banyak, nostalgia weekend yg gamau pergi, dll). Tapi entah malem ini kok tiba-tiba emosional. Tiba-tiba nangis (entah akhir-akhir ini gampang banget nangis) padahal PMS-nya udah minggu lalu. Tiba-tiba homesick dan kangen banget mama. At the same time hatiku senang dan penuh karena abis ketemu Donna (it's always nice meeting up with her) dan ketemu Tante Marinah (it feels nice to repair the broken family relationship).

Pulang-pulang disambut kado dari Donna dan Carina, dua teman turned sahabat yang baru aku kenal kurang lebih 2-3 tahun terakhir. Dipikir-pikir... tahun ini aku dapet kado ultah banyak banget dari orang-orang terdekat. Aku.... sungguh bersyukur. Emphasize-nya bukan bersyukur dapet kado, tapi lebih ke.... I have very caring & thoughtful friends around me.

Dari dulu selalu berpikir, apa ya biggest blessing in my life. Beberapa kali merenung.. sepertinya biggest blessing in my life adalah:

1. Islam. Agama-ku. Islam itu indah sekali.
2. Kesempatan untuk hidup. Merasakan cinta kasih Tuhan dalam setiap ciptaannya. Daun, pohon, ranting, tanah, awan, langit, manusia, hewan... Semoga aku selalu dapat selalu merasakan dan beryukur atas cinta kasih-Nya yang tiada tara setiap harinya.
3. Teman-teman yang baik dan orang-orang yang percaya padaku.

Sekarang aku pengen ngobrol yang nomer 3, terutama yang part pertama. Tentang teman2ku. Balik ke premis pertama, yaitu bahwa tahun ini aku dapet kado ultah banyak banget. Tiba2 di-chat nanya alamat atau tiba2 muncul aja paket atas nama Bethari padahal gak beli.... Atau ya kayak tiba2 diajak keluar untuk beli kado bareng. Bentar, gaada niat apa2 tapi cm mau list down beberapa kado yg kuterima sesuai timeline:

• Galih: sepatu gunung Salomon yang sangat wenak dan enteng dipake dan teruji pulang Sumbing kakiku sehat walafiat ga lecet huhuhu (spesial karena dikasinya 6 Oktober dan dipake seminggu sebelum ultah bahkan hehehe makasi gal)
• Caca: a very good company in Jogja & suprise pertama di hari ultah
• Cumpi: tas rajutan homemade yang sangat lucu
• Tika: weekly planner akrilik sesuai request-ku
• Dee: umbul-umbul Nepal sambil manifesting, aamiin
• Donna-Carina: tas ransel lucuk yg bisa masuk laptop

Dan sebenernya masih ada beberapa orang yg nanyain lagi butuh apa....

Dan seketika berpikir... orang-orang kok baik sekali ya sama aku.... Apakah aku deserve all this love, all their love? Bahkan nggak ngasih kado dan mereka ngucapin aja aku sangat sungguh bersyukur. Kok orang masih mau ucapin ultah untukku ya.... Being a self-claim independent girl that I am, I think I will never get used to the idea of people giving me fancy things. There's nothing as free lunch they say. I always work my ass off so something is evoked in me when receiving things I didn't work hard for. Maybe it's just my upbringing but I always feel undeserving, of love, of material things, of time, of attention. And it's both strange and calming to actually receive it: to know that I matter just by existing, to acknowledge that my presence in their life is worth celebrating.

I'm a little softie inside. And here comes the list of questions:

Do I matter in their lives? How do I matter if so? Did I ever hurt their heart? How do I make it up to them then? Did I ever repay their kindness to me enough? What if I die tomorrow without ever repaying their kindness to me? Will they come to my funeral? What do they say about me? Will they cry when they lose me? Will they still call me when I'm not around anymore? Will they pray for me?

All these questions haunt me.

Jika teman-temanku sangat baik hati padaku, apakah aku sudah jadi teman yang baik pula pada mereka?

I've said it once and Imma say it again: dikeliling teman-teman yang baik adalah rezeki yang tidak ternilai harganya. Doaku hanyalah semoga mereka selalu sehat dan juga dikelilingi orang-orang baik. Dan semoga aku juga bisa jadi teman yang baik untuk mereka. Aamiin...

Unlocking layers of self-awareness.

Jadi kehidupan lagi susah lagi. Should I blame period too for crying again today? Seumur-umur nggak pernah homesick, tapi lihat video Bocil hari ini aku nangis sambil senyum. He's grown very fast since the last time we met. It's been almost 2 months now...

Rasanya gampang ya mensyukuri sesuatu if everything goes well & as planned. The real deal is when everything is crumbling and you CHOOSE to embrace the mess. Susah sekali. I thought my mind has been very well trained... ternyata tidak. I am blaming my work for the hardship I encounter, for my inability to control my emotions & manage my time. It is so hard to do so....

Discovering layers of self-awareness every single day is both painful & exciting.

Rooting for myself for everything she's been through the past years, months, days. An appreciation post for the growth no one sees. This time around is not easy man, but you thrive. Thank you.

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25.

Celebrating a milestone in life with a combination of the things that I love: museum memories of my Javanese roots & the sake of knowledge, solo trips in loving remembrance of the sparks & impulsivity & freedom I've had all my life, good view, good food, good friend, a flower bouquet full of self-love & compassion, and a cake from me to me.

My life isn't perfect. But it is enough.

Papa.

Kalo ditanya dari kecil lebih deket sama siapa, Mama atau Papa? Aku pasti jawab.... Mama. Meskipun hubungan kita bukan kaya hubungan ibu-anak di sinetron yang saling mencintai, cium2, peluk2, sayang2an, tapi dari kecil aku selalu lebih deket ke ibuku. Mungkin karena beliau lebih bisa mengkomunikasikan maksudnya ke anak-anaknya. Aku gapernah mengidolakan bapakku. Gapernah pengen cari suami kayak bapakku. Gapernah berharap anakku punya pengalaman punya bapak kayak bapakku. Aku tumbuh membenci bapakku.

Bapakku itu tipe yg cukup pendiam. Dari kecil aku sering merasa kehilangan sosok bapak hanya karena bapakku hanya ada di sana ketika melakukan-melakukan hal besar yang dilakukan seorang ayah (jemput, nganter - menyediakan). Being a needy person who loves me a good company & quality time.... my dad was almost never there. He never checked up on me, asked me how my day has been, how I was feeling..... I grew up having a very instable feeling inside trying to look tough bcs I supressed my feelings. I grew up with this empty hole made by my father because of his inability to communicate his love to his daughter.

Selama kuliah dan merantau, keluargaku juga bukan yang tipe dikit-dikit telfon. I was so okay in college. I never had homesick - I don't think I had a home to begin with. It's just so easy to leave my house and my parents if the very reason you leave your house is them.

Tapi lately ketika kerja.... I had developed this understanding. I hate my parents - yes. But I love my parents. Everyday I'm in different side of the spectrum. One day I want them to just die, the next day I pray to God to give them good health. Tonight I'm in the latter side of the spectrum.

I saw that my dad slowly tried to communicate his love... through words. I know he's getting old - something that I just realized as I grew older as well. Terutama beberapa minggu terakhir pas aku mulai merantau lagi. When I was in college, he didn't come as communicative. But the past weeks... he checked up on me every 2-3 days. Kadang aku merasa bersalah karena aku kadang males bales. It's always been awkward. I always don't know what to say... padahal ini adalah hal yang aku selalu harapkan bapakku melakukan. I guess it's just too late now. Aku cuma bales, ya aku baik, aku sehat, lagi banyak kerjaan, dll. Padahal deep down aku pengen banget cerita hal-hal kayak anak cewe ke bapaknya. Tentang wisdom kehidupan dia, tentang pengalaman masa muda dia, tentang hal-hal yang dia pengen lakukan kalo dia balik masih muda.....

Lately I realized that I love my father so much. He went through so much hardship but he stands... still. Like he's always been. Kalo ada satu orang paling sabar yang aku tau... jawabannya adalah bapakku. Pas kecil aku merasa dia sangat sulit dijangkau. Dia jahat. Dia suka ngerokok (I hate smokes). Dia suka keluar rumah & nggak pernah ngajak ngomong aku. Dia pernah mukul aku pake krayon sambil bilang kata kasar yang bikin aku merasa sangat worthless sebagai anak...... Now I know that he's just being..... human. He might be having too much adversities that time he couldn't control that he reflected it upon me. The adversities so heavy that now he's the most patient person that I know, trying to repair this already-broken father-daughter relationship.

He's not perfect, never was, never will. But I think.... I'll give him a chance.

his text just tonight

Life's been Rough.

Hello.

Just a little update to no one that I just had my 2nd mental breakdown today (current update: up to my 3rd as I'm crying while typing this). Fyi, this is my third mental breakdown during the whole UFLP process. First in Medan, second in Pepsodent, and third here. I don't know how this will take me the next day but I can confidently say for now that I don't like my role in Shopper Marketing Hypermarket-CC. I love the people. But not the job.

The workload is not manageable. Second worst after BB Pepsodent, even worse than UI. This, plus the UFLP so-called grooming agenda with me being the PIC for other 2 big projects (which are NPD Criteria Check and Omnichannel). And not to mention the extracurriculars: me being the vocalist of HPM band and me being the PIC for SMASH (EVERY MONTH) until March next year.

I dont know if it's me being away from God & myself (after long time of not journaling) affects this or this alone is already hard to handle to begin with. But for now, I don't know if I'm gonna survive....

Cukup diputer-puter ya Allah. Capek.. Capek banget. This is my 4th role already within a year. I know I've overcome much hardship before arriving at this point but please.. no more. No more rotation. No more adaptation. No more adjustment. It's so exhausting mentally & physically. I want to settle. I want to dig deeper. I want to excel on something. I want to have lasting impact and it's so hard to so at the moment.....

(Latest update: I had 7 mental breakdowns today in total. Crazy huh)

Decent People Problems.

Ijin nulis sampah malem ini. Soalnya ngerasa lagi lumayan down abis huddle hari ini. Kerjaan lagi banyak banget dan hampir ga kepegang dan line managerku sampe bilang aku mulai keteteran. Rasanya sedih banget. Rasanya sekarang ego-ku tercoreng sekali karena merasa bukan menjadi karyawan teladan the so-called future leaders yang profesional dan supersharp karena kerjaan keteteran dan bikin timeline molor. Padahal I am so much more than just my work. And I did my best already - udah sering lembur dan went extramiles untuk accomodate request KAM sebaik dan secepat aku bisa tapi tetep aja kerjaannya muncul lagi muncul terus..... dan instruksinya sama. Kalo ga disuru analisis, mapping, gather insights............ I WANT TO EXECUTE. I mean, I love the people but I'm done analyzing data I just want to execute. Tapi ya.... aku juga belum bilang ke LM-ku my struggle & preference jadi tidak ada yang salah (dan sebenernya gaperlu mencari kambing hitam ajasih). Susah sekali ya menolak perasaan ingin divalidasi itu. Susah sekali juga ya memisahkan self-worth dengan excellence. #sigh

Kemarin malem habis ngobrol sama temen yang dikenal via IG. Not really temen sih, just stranger who happens to have mutuals & crossed circles & stuffs.... dan ya jadi sering DM-DMan aja. Kita ngobrolin jodoh. Dia lagi sering ganti profile picture, katanya dalam usaha mencari jodoh. And he went on by listing down the criteria of the perfect jodoh he's looking for. In the end, I agreed to introduce him to someone potential if any. And when I ask his commitment back to help me, he said..........

*now playing: Noah - Dan terjadi lagi..............."

WHY. DO. PEOPLE. MAKE IT. LOOK LIKE. PEOPLE. WHO LOOKS. DECENT. SHOULD HAVE IT. EASIER. TO HAVE. A PACAR. SO EASILY?????

(Disclaimer: aku merasa diriku decent. Not pretty nor beautiful. Just decent)

• Pertama: Jujur. Kenapa. Too many people told me this already, seakan membuat perasaanku susah dapet/nyari pacar meskipun I look decent tidak valid. Truth is... YES. YES. US DECENT PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE DIFFICULT TIME FINDING PACAR. And I. Dont. Know. Why.
• Kedua: Kenapa orang-orang bilang aku nggak peka???? Truth is.... AKU TUH PEKA BGT GUYS. Intuisiku tuh kuat banget, meskipun iya aku gampang dibohongin. Tapi aku peka. I know when someone have tendency to approach me... tapi kadang akunya ga tertarik ya gimana mau dipaksa???? Terus ada yg bilang "gitu lu protes kalo ga dapet2 pacar" YHA EMANG SAYA SALAH PENGENNYA SESUAI WHAT I PICTURE IN MY MIND. Paham bahwa realita tidak seindah drama Korea, tapi emang gaboleh kalo aku punya standar??? Ke diri sendiri aja punya standar. Jangan sampe ke orang yang akan menghabiskan sisa hidupku dengannya aku gapunya standar????

Hiks semoga sampe sini paham ya.....

1. Kalau orang cantik/cakep/ganteng/DECENT, nggak berarti mereka selalu gampang dapet pacar.
2. Aku tuh peka. If you feel like I am not, artinya kamu (or ya basically boys yang mendekati aku ini either gak cocok sama yang aku pengen ATAU they dont show enough courage to show me yet. Alias: make it obviouslah. Not a fan of playing code here).

Udah sih itu aja ceritanya. Wkwk kayak ada yg baca. Semoga tahun ini bisa menginjak 25 dan menutup tahun dengan punyak pacar. Aamiinn 172946814x

What Occupies My Mind Lately.

Should be sleeping by now. Plan to go for a quick run tomorrow. I'm hiking my 3rd mountain this year (WOW) in 2 weeks. Crazy huh. Never thought I'll be this impulsive - just taking chances and have fun. I only live once. But once is enough if I enjoy it to bits. So here's my effort of enjoying it. Work hard, play harder they said.

Time flew by pretty fast. Mom went home to Surabaya yesterday. Happy and sad - basically this has been my mode in the past 2-3 weeks. Everything is just.... bland. When she's here I was just so mad of seeing her potato-couching all day. I got angry so easily to her due to her inability (and unwillingness) to learn technology. I regret it then. I regret it now. I regret it everyday. I heard her saying sorry for being a handful person while she's here on the last day she was here. I feel like a bad daughter. I mean I know I am.... I just don't anticipate the guilt right after the realization. That moment struck me again - how I love and hate my parents at the same time. I am not fully healed. In fact, I haven't even started healing. Pain demands to be felt they said.

I forgot and slowly let go some of the hard-earned habits I've developed in the past. Two weeks in BSD already now. Not even started walking (my favorite thing in the world), let alone a home workout. No journals. No book-reading. Where was the old me? I slowly losing myself. Not in tune and found hard time adjusting to reality, be present, and just treat feelings as traitors. Accept and just start over they said.

While at work.... everything starts to fall into place. Not the clarity that I need, but my brain is getting better at connecting the dots. Good job, self. And with that understanding, comes all those bigger (and never-ending) tasks. Can't really say I like the role the best, just whatever that helps me pay the bills. But hell yeah I just like the environment that I'm in. CD people are the best, they made me feel accepted. They made me feel more like myself. The law of attraction they said.

While at master's....... habits are slowly vanishing. So does my spirit. And once again I'm here at the crossroad. Met some who are against master's and they remind again how doing masters are just a waste of time. How will you know that the time spent for masters would justify the amount of opportunity you might get while staying at the workplace. Honestly speaking I.... don't know. I just want to learn, explore, share. And yet, what is my objective again? Does it have to be now like NOW? What if you change minds? What about working a little longer just to know myself better to finally choose the best best best major to help me unleash my potential and the potential of others through me? So many questions, so little time to think. While clarity is power they said.

This month I'm turning 25. A day after that, I'll get closer to the big 3 rather than small 2. Oh how could the mini me think 25 me would have everything figured out? She must have lost her mind.

On Digital Minimalism.

 

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My Little Buddy.

Not a lot going on my mind. It's past 12 am already.

Just a deeper realization of how much I love my bocil. He's literally the family's light, what binds us together. You're so loved by many, Zafran. You're so loved by onty. I hope you grow up to be the best of individual who warms others' heart like you warm our hearts, adek. Onty will always have your back, onty will always be your big friend and you will always my little buddy.

Great Leaders around Me.

I could write long pages of how I oftentimes struggle with my work at Unilever - frankly because of my inability to find flow yet ((I'm trying hard not to blame the outside circumstances & cultivating agency mindset rn instead)), but if I was asked to write down only ONE thing that would definitely outweigh the hardships and enable me to keep my faith working here.... it is not the salary nor the benefit.

It's the leaders. The great leaders around me.

I would say this is the perks of being UFLP. Aku tidak menolak privileseku sebagai UFLP. The program itself allows us to "be supervised" under the leadership of many important people:

• WL2 the Managers as our Line Manager (in charge of our everyday learning process)
• WL3 the Directors as our Mentor (in charge of our whole development progress during UFLP)
• WL4 the Vice Presidents as our VP Sponsor (in charge of having the final say of our promotability potentials)

Sepanjang perjalanan UFLP-ku yang ternyata sudah hampir 2 tahun ini (#terharu), salah satu yang sebenarnya bikin aku bersyukur dan berbahagia sekali pernah bekerja, belajar, dan berproses di Unilever adalah karena banyak sekali orang-orang keren yang bisa aku jadikan role model di sekitarku. Orang-orang yang dari mereka aku bisa belajar banyak. Karena truth is, sometimes we're so focused to get the exposure to some highly exposed so-called unreachable leaders out there only to realize there are many around us who are only one message away. Dan tentu saja, sekali lagi aku bersyukur jadi UFLP karena platform ini memberiku keleluasaan untuk bisa reach out ke high level persons tanpa terasa *terlalu* sungkan. Not saying non-UFLP gabisa (well, I think the skip-level connects & feedback cultures is one of many I respect this company too), tapi kadang karena we're so consumed with our self-limiting beliefs, rasanya jadi terlalu sungkan untuk minta 1-on-1 dan mentorship langsung sama obos-obos. Sejenis "SIAPAKAH SAYA YG KROCO INI DIBANDING PARA VP INI???".

During my 2 years here, I've learned firsthand how my leaders have shaped me, personally and professionally. Yang baik, aku contoh dan terapkan. Yang buruk, aku ambil pelajaran. Cos you know what? Once you get under a bad leadership, it taught you what a leader IS NOT. Konsep ini juga yang aku denger minggu lalu waktu lagi 1-on-1 sama Mbak Hira, VP Modern Trade Unilever of whom used to be eCommerce Director (yang aku approach secara takut-takut di Januari 2021 lalu dan promoted jadi VP baru Juli kemarin - wow).

I would say banyak bangettt yang aku pelajarin dari para leaders ini. Not necessarily bisnis, tapi juga kehidupan, baik dari yang aku perhatikan langsung di social media mereka, atau aku pelajarin langsung dari ngobrol sama mereka. Justru, kenapa aku sangat mengagumi mereka in the first place adalah karena pekerjaan bukan satu-satunya hal yang mereka value #CancelHustleCulture (lah).

• I so adore Bu Enny Sampurno yang menenangkan aku "now you need to be happy for you, not for anybody else" sambil menawarkan tisu ketika interview UFLP 2 tahun lalu - the very reason I still declare my UFLP interview as the best interview I've ever had.
• I so adore Bu Ira Noviarti, then-VP turned EVP yang ternyata tumbuh di keluarga besar (dengan keadaan ayah yang menikah 2x) dan pernah mengalami hardship keuangan when she was little; yang kalau lihat IG-nya, you can see how much of a loving mom she is.
• Mba Hira Triadi yang definisi boss lady I aspire to be when I grow up. Definisi sharp & class can go hand-in-hand. Bahkan masih sempet dan rajin olahraga... *now searching for mirror addressed to that lady who said the other day she can't do it all bcs she has so much at work*
• Pak Irvan Cahyana, salah satu VP yang aku suka banget sesi mentoringnya, karena beliau suka banget kasi petuah kehidupan yang nggak judgemental dan lucu. Udah gitu kalo lihat IG story beliau dan Mba Lilis yang bucin banget....cutie....
• Tentu saja mentorku sendiri, Pak Wahyu Hidayat. The one who always believes in me. Yang nggak segan untuk selalu bilang ke HR "Bethari tuh bisa, saya yakin." 🥺 The brain behind many great initiatives of Unilever. Sosok yang awalnya aku takuti (just because I haven't tried to understand him deeper), tapi dari beliau aku belajar untuk punya drive, to make things happen, to always benchmark, to strive for excellence, and above all, unleash my potentials and believe in myself too.
• Tak lupa juga banyak sekali line managers-ku yang dari mereka aku belajar everyday excellence: Pak Cosmos & Pak Andrew (despite the tough love), Mba Distya (I love you so much Mba Distya, I learned so very much from you!), Mba Andiny (I adore you so very much too Mba Andiny, I developed so very much under your leadership), Mas Andrie (ah a great manager whom I can talk to like friends!), Priscila (a very appreciative LM!), and now Mas Ridwan (very sharp & ya begitulah wkwkw).
• Juga untuk banyak sekali WL3 lain yang pernah bersedia menyediakan waktunya untuk mentoring denganku dan dari mereka pula aku belajar banyak: Pak Diko, Mba Fiona, Mba Lenny, and now Mba Angie.

Ok this is not my farewell remarks so listing down everyone's name would be lame. But I really can't emphasize enough how many other great colleagues & new realizations I picked up along the way since I met those people. Of how exponential my growth has been in the past 2 years with them being the catalyst. Hard days, but paradoxically speaking, most rewarding ones.

From here (April 2020)

To here (Aug 2021)

Thinking of my last day at the spaceship someday, I would definitely cry of happy & sad tears of how big Unilever's impact to my development. Unilever is not just a company. It's a university of life.

Clapping with Both Hands.

 

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