My Perfect Year.

'Aku merasa bulan Oktober bulan terbaikku, my perfect month, sangat indah.'

'Oh ya? Tergantung dari cara kamu melihat sih, Beth. Definisi perfect month menurut kamu gimana.'

'Iya, indah. Aku merasa...senang. I mean, bukan cuma tentang hubungan ini, tapi segala hal. Oktober itu selalu jadi bulanku, hubungan kita baik-baik aja, it was beautiful I can say, terus aku ultah, syuting Acnes, pengumuman XLFL....Ya, meskipun banyak ujian, tapi banyak kabar bagus di bulan Oktober. Sampai ulang tahunku.....yang akhirnya mengubah bulan Oktober jadi bulan terburukku.'

He smiled,
'Oh, jadi kamu mendefinisikan bulan terindah kamu ketika kamu merasa senang ya. Kalo aku....Aku merasa bulan terbaikku adalah November. Wah kacau, bulan November hidupku acak-acakan banget. Mulai masalah hubungan ini, sidang yang...ya kamu tau lah, belum masalah keluarga, terus kerjaan juga lagi banyak-banyaknya...udah aku dihabisi lah istilahnya di bulan November. Tapi aku beresin semuanya satu-satu. Aku belajar dari kamu kalo, ya kita nggak bisa menaruh ekspektasi tinggi pada manusia, aku juga udah minta maaf ke Manda, udah berusaha memaafkan keluargaku, TA sama kerjaan aku kelarin semuanya.....'

I choked and he continued.

'Ya menurutku bulan terbaikku adalah November ketika aku merasa bisa ngambil banyak pelajaran di dalamnya.'

Never did he know, ever since that night, he changed my perspective about life, like he always did.

***

Siapa yang pernah bilang bahwa definisi sempurna adalah senang? Nobody.
Kita yang buat, kita yang definisikan, kita yang putuskan untuk memilih bahwa sempurna adalah bahagia. Lucunya, kita juga yang merasa jadi korban kejamnya hidup ini kalau kita tidak bahagia.

Oh, sekali lagi, kita lupa kita punya pilihan.
But I thanked him anyway (unspoken gratitude ofc), for reminding me that we do have a choice not to be.

***

Banyak hal terjadi di 2016. Seandainya aku punya timbangan dan aku timbang antara kesenangan dan kesedihanku di 2016, I cant decide whether it has the tendency to weigh more in which side.
Bagus dong kalo seimbang gitu?

Well, 2016 has been a hell of a ride. Like, HELL. Dan seperti nama blog ini, 2016 truly is a roller coaster (and by roller coaster I mean the happiness got me flying the highest, but the rest really frustrated me the lowest), but it made me smile in the end anyway.......and definitely WORTH the ride.

***

Kak, how are you? If you happen to read this post, I wanna say thank you!
Sejak malam itu aku banyak belajar dan refleksi diri, dan mulai menyadari
bahwa 2016, tahun yang sebelumnya aku pikir akan menjadi tahun terburuk dalam hidupku,
ternyata justru merupakan tahun terbaik dalam hidupku.

"Beth, aku percaya setiap orang yang datang ke hidup kita punya perannya masing-masing. Sometimes people aren't meant to stay forever in our life, tapi aku yakin, pelajaran yang dia kasih di hidup kita itulah yang akan stay forever di hidup kita."

For every time I read quotes about how rude people are for coming and leaving easily to your life,
I always refused to believe in those trashy words. But, now...

Yes, I believe it, Sir.

Yang Terjadi saat Kereta Berhenti.

Here I get you one of my favorite page on instagram: @ttt_official!
Kalo kamu adalah tipe orang yang suka tulisan yang sedikit misterius tapi meaningful like me, you must be loving it! I swear!

I just stumbled upon their post, anyway.

At every stop the train made,

others lost their patience.

Writer found his stories.

I've been admiring their work since the first I came to check their page.

If you pay a real attention to it, you will probably find something peaceful, some might be ugly truths you avoid to hear but it realizes you something anyway. That's what happened to me every time I take the time to really...what...contemplate about it.

Bener nggak sih tulisan di atas?

Others lost their patience, writer found his stories.

Di antara keramaian stasiun, kereta yang berhenti, ibu-ibu yang mungkin lalu lalang nemenin anak balitanya, bayi-bayi yang nangis, atau mungkin porter-porter yang menawarkan jasa angkut, ada sisi lain yang di luar kuasa kita untuk diamati. Bahwa kejadian sederhana kaya gini bisa menjadi perspektif berbeda bagi masing-masing subjek.

What I'm trying to say is, kadang kita menempatkan diri kita di salah satu aja, either we are the 'others' atau we are the 'writer' yang membuat kita....berprasangka. Kalau kita di sebagai penumpang (kita anggap others sebagai penumpang keretanya ya), kita jadinya bakal selalu berprasangkan buruk, yang keretanya lemot lah, ga sampe-sampe lah, capek duduk lah, dll (I can really relate to this karena aku sering naik kereta juga dan I feel it!). But hey, kita selalu lupa kita punya pilihan not to feel that way! Iya, kita. selalu. lupa...yang akhirnya selalu buat kita mengeluh terus bilang kita nggak bahagia. Huf, manusia,,,

Tiba-tiba keinget lagunya Katy Perry yang It Takes Two, liriknya 'It takes two, two sides to every story'. We just need to feel to be in others shoes to take us to that side. If we were the writers, kita akan lihat kekecewaan para penumpang itu sebagai sebuah cerita baru, which is not a loss at all, but a gain! We just need look from new perspective, new point of view.

Kita tuh selalu lupa kita punya pilihan,

membuat seakan kita ini selalu jadi korban dari kekejaman hidup.

If you feel sad, remember you have a choice to be happy. If you are fooled, hey you have a choice to get up and do better the next day. Do not play victim, because we simply have a choice not to be!

Nope, I am not a pro about this juga, tapi akhir-akhir ini aku merasa diriku ini sering merasa nggak bahagia atau dunia ini kejam hanya karena aku lihat dari sisiku aja. This is my problem since forever: "We're all so desperate to be understood, we forget to be understanding."

Aku selalu merasa aku butuh dimengerti, tapi lupa untuk mencoba mengerti orang. Aku lupa untuk menempatkan diriku in others' shoes, tapi mengharapkan orang lain be in my shoes. Aku lupa untuk berpikir menjadi seorang penulis diantara para penumpang. Bahwa aku punya pilihan untuk melihat sisi baiknya.

Well, let this post be my reminder. Malu juga udah nulis beginian tapi diri sendiri juga belum bener dan mengulangi hal yang sama.

If I try then you should too ya!

XOXO

Bethari Mengeluh Seperti Biasa.

These 2 days have been insanely tiring.

Nih orang rumah kalo ada yang baca pasti bertanya-tanya: TIRING DARIMANA WOY KERJAAN LU DI DEPAN LAPTOP MULU APAAN YANG CAPEK?!

Yasss, dua hari ini emang aku di depan laptop terus. BUT, justru itu yang bikin tiring. Aku udah set goal liburan dari awal bulan dan salah duanya adalah bersih-bersih blog (by bersih-bersih I mean re-layout dan menulis post-post baru dan meng-organize biar lebih enak dibaca) dan bersih-bersih linkedin.

I can really say I could check the lists but I can't really say I couldn't juga karena yeass it's getting more organized! And that's why I got tired bruh, karena di depan laptop aing teh kerjain itu semua bukan main atau nonton yutup atau nonton HIMYM (btw been a long time since the last time I watched it and I missed the show anyway but I've got so much to do this holiday --> ok the last statement is an excuse).

Tapi emang sih, emang belum semuanya sesuai target yang aku pasang sebelumnya. Kayak misal blog, masih banyak tulisan yang pengen aku buat yang agak serius gitu bukan cuma tulisan sampah yang isinya curhat kaya gini, tapi tulisan refleksi diri dan semua inspirasi yang aku dapat sepanjang tahun but bersih-bersih blog kemarin aja seharian....huf. But I'll write anytime soon I promise! Yang penting yang terdekat mau nulis Yearly Highlights dulu buat mandatory post akhir tahun sekalian introspeksi dan refleksi diri. But karena so much happened this year like SO. MUCH...jadi aku akan menulis tiap peristiwa di satu post to freeze them dan bisa baca-baca nanti, mulai dari awal tahun cem2 IECOM muter Bandung, percintaan yang kandas, Integrasi, Semeru, percintaan yang kandas lagi, Acnes, Marina, duhhh basically everythinggg! Dan sekalian mau tambah-tambah foto jadi isinya blog ini ga cuma foto-foto quotes galau doang (I hope these gloomy days will pass ASAP) yang berarti aku langsung teringat target lain dari liburan yakni.....bersih-bersih memori HP dan mulai pengarsipan yang bagus di laptop dan harddisk. Huf, oke-oke tenang beth satu-satu....

Nah kalo hari ini...Well, ini berkaitan dengan masa depanku sebenernya. Karena ini menyangkut....magang dan KP!! Yak setelah ikut Sharing KP beberapa waktu lalu, disitu dapet banyak banget insight tentang per-KP-an dan past dong udah punya bayangan pengen dimananya. Nah oleh karena itu, per-KP-an ini harus dimulai secepatnya. Nah, untuk mulai...butuh CV dong...sedangkan selama ini CV w udah kaya bungkus gorengan, jelek banget ga ada bentuknya. Kalopun ada bentuknya juga ga membuat yang baca jadi berniat meng-hire aku....alhamdulillah setelah Acnes dan Marina CV aku agak indah sedikit. Jadi intinya hari ini aku memperbarui CV biar agak appealing. Nah, salah satu insight yang aku dapet waktu sharing KP adalah buat linkedin karena ternyata banyak juga perusahaan yang lihat dari linked in nya!!
Sebenernya aku udah punya linkedin........tapi.......ya.....gitu.............gada bentuknya juga:(
So today I rearranged it! Bersih-bersih dan ngelengkapi, nambahin foto, ini, itu, dll. Jadilah hari ini aku ngadep laptop terus seharian buat bikin linkedin ku agak menarik di mata recruiter dan mulai nge-add in company2 atau minta orang2 endorse skill. Hehe

Ya semoga berguna deh, lagipula nggak ada negatifnya juga, bahkan I must say I'm a lil obsessed sm linkedin jadinya..dan menyesal kenapaaaa ga bersih2 dari dulu dan kenapaaaa ga coba2 magang dari tingkat 2 GRRRRRR sekarang udah tingkat 3 biar udah ada pengalaman sedikit dan ga kagok gitu....huf
Tap gapapa, better late than never kan :))

Oh iya mau cerita juga, kemaren pengen magang dan ini keterima intern di Siete, doakan semoga challenge ini berhasil dan lanjut-lanjut lagi sampe terakhir ya!! Nah, tapi, aku masih pingin coba internship di yang lain..kayak Ruangguru dan beberapa poster lain yg aku lihat kemaren dan pengen daftar Tokopedia Ambassador sih. Intinya, Bethari banyak mau banget di 2017. Dan tiba-tiba teringat aku masih ada tanggungan baca koran (YES, KORAN. AKU UDAH BUTA KEHIDUPAN POLITIK EKONOMI SOSIAL BUDAYA HANKAM DI ENDONESA RAYA INI) dan mulai belajar watercolor painting lagi, tapi tenang tenang beth.. sekali lagi,,,,satu-satu....oke.
Balik lagi berkaitan sama masa depan, aku pingin mulai sering ikut lomba (yah meskipun I know kayanya jg gada harapan buat menang wkwk TP I'LL TRY OK, DAMN I WILL BISMILLAH. Terus juga liburan ini masih ada target buat belajar Photoshop/Corel or basically any softwares buat design deh biar aku nggak kudet dan terlalu bergantung orang tentang visual design gitu...kemaren udah download installernya Photoshop sampe 2x tapi tetep nggak bisa...jadi aku agak menyerah tapi yaudalah nanti dicoba lagi.

Hm. Oke.
Sepertinya kalo aku lanjutin post ini akan semakin sampah. Meskipun ga bakal ada yang baca blog ini tapi nggak papa, at least I have a platform to share my feelings, biar nggak gila meskipun ga ada temen cerita. Dan semoga 30 year old, atau 40 year old, atau 50 year old, atau berapapun year old Bethari amsih bakal sempat baca-baca blog ini sambil ketawa-ketawa, the young her was SO MUCH A MESS KAYAK GINI. But later she will thank herself anyway for being like that, for it made her the way she is.

Aamiin!

Our Crossed Paths I Am Forever Thankful For.

Will you up and leave? Yes.

I'm not gonna blame you. You have the rights to walk away, after all this time. For the way I treated you, yes, you will forever be the person I wish I could be with.
New year, new me I guess? A very little throwback and reflections preceeding my mandatory 2016 introspection post. So this is how I am gonna remember you, Danlap, which, at the same time, I hope, will be my last post about all these blue days.
Pernah denger 'Date a poet and you will live forever'? Well I'm not a poet but I write, so yeah.

Cuma ada dua kata yang ingin aku katakan ke kakak untuk terakhir kalinya.

Maaf,
dan terima kasih.

Sebesar-besarnya. Sedalam-dalamnya.

Sometimes the thing with ourselves is not that we don't now what we had until it's gone, it's rather we knew what we had, we just don't know if we'd lose it.

Lucu ya? Kadang hidup ini sebegitu naik-turunnya.
I still remember it clearly, it was July 23, the day I broke up with Nabil. You messaged me, and I have no idea how on earth seorang Brian Yoga ngechat seorang Bethari, out of nowhere. Seorang Bethari yang hanyalah seorang Bethari, yang sangat ceroboh, yang terlihat kuat padahal lemah, yang terlihat peduli padahal tak lebih dari seorang egois. Dan seorang Brian Yoga, yang good-looking, yang tinggi, yang sering menang lomba, yang sering jadi pembicara, yang....wow.
And I didn't know how four months later, I will be crying over you. You.

Ijinkan aku menyampaikan sekali lagi hal ini.
Aku tidak pernah berniat menyakiti hati kakak, sama sekali. Aku minta maaf ini harus berakhir kaya gini, setiba-tiba ini. But God has His own reason right?
It's either you come to my life to give me a lesson,
or the other way around.
You did, good boy. You gave me so much. So damn much.

Kak, masih inget 20 Oktober? Waktu itu sore sebelum wisnite, you told me about how love means to you. Kata kakak cinta itu kayak 5W1H. You told me I was your 5W1H (and you have no clue how honored and happy I was, and still am). Well, mungkin aku masih belum menemukan makna sebenernya dari 5W1H exactly seperti yang kakak bilang, tapi I think the answer to my What, is you.

What is love?
You.
I will proudly say that. You gave me everything within a numbered of days, I am thankful for that.
Kakak memberiku sebuah makna baru tentang cinta. Bahwa cinta bukan cuma tentang aku sayang kamu dan kamu sayang aku, love is way more than that. Something I can't even explain. Aku nggak tau seperti apa aku akan menjelaskan perasaanku pada kakak. Tapi aku yakin, aku melihat bagaimana cinta seharusnya dari cara kakak memperlakukanku.

Kakak adalah picture perfect dari setiap harapan wanita di dunia ini, sebuah bayangan pasangan idaman yang akan disetujui oleh semua orang tua. And here's what I was gonna tell my mom if we were still together.

He's the type of boy who won't let you feel you are anything less.
When you call feeling hype, he'll be there to listen to your not-so-funny jokes, and still, respond them with a big smile, making sure you feel appreciated for keeping those jokes for him only. But that's not the thing. When you call feeling blue, he'll still be there. No he won't interrupt you while you cry, sebaliknya, dia akan menunggumu selesai bicara, memilih kata dengan sangat hati-hati, dan mneyampaikannya dnegan lebih hati-hati, meyakinkanmu bahwa what you're going through is nothing compared to what's ahead of you and convince you that you are worth, and you will always be.
Aku masih inget pertama kali aku cerita aku lolos finalis Acnes Girl Search dan aku cerita aku malu nyebarin ke grup MTI karena takut dikira kebelet eksis, dia adalah satu-satunya yang tanpa ketawa, bilang 'Ngapain malu, harusnya bangga loh lolos itu.' Dan ever since, aku tahu aku nggak seharusnya malu.
There was this one time when I said,
'Kak, aku tau aku lupa apa. Aku lupa bawa lipstik!'
'Ih, apaansih. Ilfil aku nih beneran.'
He hates make up, so bad. He notices every single time I wear the slightest amount of make up on my face. 'Ngapain sih bedakan sama pake liptint dulu.' dan setiap kali aku keluar with a bare (like bare) face, dia bilang 'Tau nggak sih, kamu cantik banget kalo nggak pake apa-apa gini.'
He will accept you the way you are and will never let you feel like you are a piece of worthless shit. 'Kamu tuh nggak gendut, kenapa sih mikir gendut terus.' 'Soalnya aku emang gendut.' 'Terus kalo gendut kenapa? Takut nggak dapet cowok? Terus? Udah, nggak usah sok diet sekarang makan indominya.' and that left me speechless.

He will try his best to keep you happy.
Suatu hari aku pernah makan di Tamfest, he bought kebab (yang diskon 10% kalo bawa pacar, and he got it, cos we looked like a couple, even when we're not.....really a couple -since not any ties knot). Waktu itu, aku makan pecel. Dan pecelku abis, I said 'Aku pengen lagi tapi gamau nasi nanti gendut.' 'Yaudah beli pecelnya aja.' 'Emang bisa...gausah ah..duh tapi masih laper....iya ga y....' he suddenly took my plate, went away, and came back with a plate full of pecel doang. If that doesn't stole your heart away, then I dont know what will.
That time also, he asked me, 'Kamu maunya ditembak kaya gimana?' and I said 'Yang manis pokoknya.' 'Eh aku ini romantis loh anaknya.' 'Sumpil? Iyalah orang melankolis mah biasanya romantis. Emang ngapain aja selama ini sama 9 mantan kakak?' 'Suatu malam aku pernah ke rumahnya mantan aku, ada tukang nasi goreng lewat. Terus aku minta tolong buatin nasi goreng. Waktu nasi gorengnya udah jadi, aku minta tukangnya buat bilang ini namanya nasi goreng cinta dan aku yang pegang gerobaknya. Terus mantanku keluar rumah dan tukangnya bilang itu nasi goreng cinta kan. Mantan aku bingung, hah nasi goreng cinta? Terus aku bilang. Iya ini nasi goreng (sambil nunjuk nasi goreng) dan ini cinta (sambil nunjuk dirinya). Terus aku juga pernah, nangkepin kunang-kunang dimasukin ke botol gitu. Buat pacar yang lain tapi.' Now you know how sweet he is.
There was one time, ketika aku ke rumahnya, menemukan sebuah scrapbook dari mantannya dan mulai baca. Dan aku mulai menyadari bahwa, that kunang-kunang story, is with her. Seketika aku langsung bete (you know wanita bisa benci sama mantannya pacar -even he's not even my boyfie yet- tanpa sebab, well sebenernya sebabnya karena dia pernah sesayang itu sama orang lain). Dan yang dia lakukan melihat kebetean seketikaku adalah......dia megang tanganku, nanya kenapa, I said nothing sambil geleng-geleng kepala, dan dia ngelus pipi sambil bilang 'Beth, aku kalo sayang sama orang akan sampe segitunya, tapi itu udah lalu. Sekarang aku sama kamu yaudah, aku juga akan kayak gitu. Oke?' and he hugged me.

He will always be there. You will be on his top priority list.
And I guess, that's why he wants you to be there as well. 'Beth, kalo aku deket sama seseorang, aku akan berusaha melibatkan dia ke dalam kehidupanku.' Yes, it is. He will. Dia akan membuatmu merasakan a real relationship. 'Kak, ke kampus ngga? Aku lagi bete dan suntuk banget sama orang.' And minutes later he'll be by your side.' Ketika he has so much to do, but all he does adalah telfon kamu, dan ngajak makan, dan saat makanpun he will not talk about his burden, instead he will tell jokes, he will try to make you smile, he will make you loved so much you will think you are the luckiest girl on earth, while you know how much other things (sidang, kerjaan, bisnis, etc, etc) he should be doing/thinking at the moment.
Pernah suatu saat, dia pakai kacamata, and I said he looked good with glasses. Malemnya, dia ngirim selfie pakai kacamata. I asked him where he got that glasses from, he said he just bought it since I said so.
'Buat kamu apa yang engga aku usahakan.' and my heart couldn't be more touched of how much he would do for his loved one.

He sees the beauty in your flaws.
Dia akan mencintai kegilaanmu, kesangatgilaanmu.
Ketika kamu cerita kamu naik ring saat wisuda, saat semua orang dress up formally dan foto cantik, dan kamu yang seorang wanita ini malah bertindak childish dan gahar dengan naik ring dan minta foto, dia tidak akan menghakimimu sebagai wanita gagal, dia akan tersenyum, berkata 'Oh ya?', dan ketika kamu meminta maaf atas kegilaanmu tersebut, dia akan berkata 'Kalo aku ada disitu sama kamu, mungkin aku akan naik ring juga sama kamu.'.
The other time, I told him a story between me and the annoying angkot driver of Kalapa Dago. Long story short, aku marah-marah ke pak angkot atas ketidakkonsistenannya yang membuatku telat ikut kader Pelita Muda. Once again, ketika kamu meminta maaf atas ketidaksopananmu memarahi tukang angkot (even in this case I know I stand on the right side), yang dia bilang adalah 'Gila nih orang. Kamu punya fanbase nggak sih? Kalo enggak biar aku yang bikin deh, keren banget loh itu marahin tukang angkot karena begitu. Gila!'
Seorang Brian Yoga, who is fan-girled by those beauties, is fan-girling me, the reckless me...

He'll respect you, the way woman should be respected.
He hates sexy outfits. Dia akan memperlakukanmu sangat baik, even when you refuse.
The first time we went out, malam wisnite pertama kita (Juli), he took me to Bukit Moko. Gosh, one of my favorite nights of all time, in one of my favorite places, with one of my favorite people, pertama kali aku merasa benar-benar berbicara dan didengarkan, the night that  I feel alive, free, and understood. It was so cold and windy, even the two layers of my clothes didnt cover. He gave me his jacket, his olive green jacket with a small hole on the arm I will always remember. I refused, akting sok kuat. But he kept giving it to me, covering my feet as we sat with glasses of energen in my cup and coffee in him.
The was also one more night, wisnite kedua kita (Oktober). The moment I wore skirt, he's the one who concerned much about him riding motorcycle while I didn't care at all.
'Kamu mau pulang sama aku atau Putsen lagi?'
'Kakak lah.'
'Tapi aku kan naik motor.'
'Terus kenapa?'
'Kamu kan pake rok.'
Dan sebelum naik motor, he gave his olive jacket once again. As usual,
'Gamau. Gausa sok gentle ah', I said.
'Pake. Aku bukannya sok gentle. Aku gasuka di jalan lihat cowok pake jaket sedangkan cewenya ga pake. I don't wannabe those guys.'
Di jalan, yang dia lakukan adalah megangin rokku, making sure roknya ga terbang-terbang...
Now, mom, that's what I call a gentleman.

He is the most sincere soul on earth.
This little space on this post wont be enough to explain how sincere he is, seriously. Maybe I'll write soon about it the other time. Not that I don't want to move on so I keep writing about him, but this thing, is something everyone should act. He respects the janitor the way he respects the CEO.
Suatu malam di Dago Atas, di bawah bintang di atas gemerlap Bandung, dia pernah cerita tentang ceritanya bantu seorang bapak yang cari sabuk SMA 20 Bandung. Dan sejak itu, aku tahu, dia adalah salah satu orang paling tulus yang pernah aku kenal. Yang nggak akan pernah perhitungan, yang nggak pernah minta imbalan, dan yang seniat itu membantu orang. And by helping I mean not only help...tapi benar-benar mengusahakan, dengan sepenuh hatinya.
These four months he showed me so much his kindness without even showing off, and that's how kindness should be, right? Mulai dari cerita sabuk, bibi kosan Gaby, ngajarin anak sholat, sampai his kindness yang benar-benar aku lihat langsung. Sampai suatu hari dia pernah bilang
'Aku malah mikir untuk nggak dateng wisuda.'
'HAH? Kenapa?!?!'
'Aku merasa nggak enak aja, aku seneng-seneng waktu wisuda sedangkan nggak jauh dari tempat aku seneng-seneng ada orang yang bahkan buat makan aja nggak bisa. Pernah mikir gitu nggak sih?'
Dia adalah wujud nyata dari frasa 'Kindness needs no reason' yang menyadarkanku kalo kebaikan bukan tergantung dari harta yang kamu punya, tapi sebesar apa keinginan dan keikhlasanmu untuk sekedar mendengarkan dan mengusahakan. Dan aku, yang selama ini menganggap diriku sudah baik, ternyata sungguh tak layak menganggap diriku baik. He is like 10000x kinder.
Gosh, he's a living angel, a living angel.

He loves singing, dancing, acting, basically everything...but he keeps it down to earth.
He plays guitar, saxophone, harmonica, drum, and the list goes on. And he's not stupid. I mean, are you kidding me? Oh this reminds me of something. Suatu saat aku cerita aku lagi suka banget lagu Closer-nya he Chainsmoker, and every time, like every time, that song played anywhere, he poked me and we sang along. We planned to cover a song, Sir, remember? But that's nothing nears possible for now I think (and here I am, painfully smirking). But I am glad tough, 22 Oktober right before wisokto, we sang Lost Stars together. It was beautiful, really.
Dia suka musik yang menenangkan, sejenis Banda Neira gitu. Oh nah nah, dia pernah bilang 'Aku tuh ga punya sesuatu yang favorit, kaya makanan favorit, musik favorit. Kalo aku suka ya aku...suka.' (that's why dia selalu oke-oke aja tiap aku milih tempat makan dimana karena basically he is an omnivore, like I am!). Speaking about foods, the first night we went out (yeah, that was wisnite Juli 2016), di mobil dia bilang.
'Mau makan dimana?'
'Gatau...udah malem gini' (Gosh, it was midnight!)
'Kamu maunya apa?'
'Aku mau sayur.'
'Sayur? Hmmm. Warteg mau?' (AND I WAS SHOCKED. Seorang Brian Yoga juga suka makan di warteg?!?! Seriously?!)
'Sumpil, ya gapapa kalo masih ada yang buka.'
'Serius? Kamu mau makan di warteg...?'
'Lah.....iya...tiap hari juga aku makan di warteg.....Aku tuh bukan anak cafe serius. Ke cafe tuh kalo kumpul doang sama temen-temen.'
'Seorang Bethari suka makan di warteg? Wow, hebat loh. Aku pikir kamu makan harus mahal, di cafe.'
'He yakali, bokek aku tiap hari makan di cafe. Lagipula warteg tuh enak tau makanannya.'
'Iya, bener! Makanya aku juga suka makan di warteg abis mahal lagi cafe kan.'
And I covered my admiration deep down, this boy is starting to drive me insane.
He has all it takes to be arrogant, at least he has all it takes to show himself off, yet he chose not to. 'Aku nggak sehebat yang kamu bayangkan, Beth.' he replied everytime I reminded him how good his image is among my friends. Looking at his body, his polished looks, his incredible communication skill, simply realizing how perfect he is to role as everyone's sweetheart, people will prejudge him as a high maintenance guy. Gosh, vice versa, dia adalah orang paling sederhana yang pernah aku tahu, meskipun dia punya pilihan untuk tidak jadi sederhana. Suatu hari dia pernah mengajakku ke tempat dia biasa beli baju; Gedebage. Guess what? Gedebage adalah sentra baju preloved yang terkenal di Bandung. That fact shocked me, a lot. Ever since, kantin AA had witnessed our happy days perfectly for several times.

He loves his family.
And he makes sure, the girl he's close with, will love them too. He is a cute brother, Gosh, I can see it in his eyes. There was one time I was in his house, he said 'Aku ke kamar kakak aku dulu ya, bro time.' and I couldn't stop smiling afterwards. Aku ngga pernah punya saudara laki-laki, yet, dia membuatku pernah merasakan kasih sayang seorang kakak laki-laki, how he would protect you against all odds.
Suatu malam kita pernah lewat jalan Dago dan dia minggirin motor. I thought there was something wrong with his bike, but turned out he crossed the road and bought some flowers. Selayaknya wanita, I thought it was for me. But gosh, it was for her mom! Nope, I could never be jealous of this beautiful act. And long after knowing what really happened and burdened his mind, I knew how big his heart is.
It was September 25, the day I met her mom. She was lovely, and I liked her. Suatu malam aku ke rumahnya, bringing her mom flowers I got from wisnite. She said, 'Makasi ya thari, tau aja tante suka bunga. Nih (pointing at him) suka beliin tante bunga, kalo kering langsung diganti yang baru.'
That moment, I knew he was raised to be a King, who will only bow down to his Queen.

He will inspire you to do better every single day.
Suatu hari aku pernah cerita my sister just broke up with her boyfie cause he simply doesn't have any visions in life. No, he didn't judge the boy, instead, he said
'Kenapa kakakmu nggak membantu mengarahkan dia ke visi hidupnya?''
Semester 5 has driving me crazy, one is because tubes Pemsis yang cukup menyita kehidupan. It drove me insane, like insane. I barely sleep semalem sebelum pengumpulan, ke tempat printer jam 6 pagi sementara pengumpulan jam 7 pagi. Dan itu membuat mood-ku jelek seharian, atau berhari-hari bahkan. Sampai akhirnya suatu malam dia bilang
'Thari, jangan biasain nyemprot orang cuma karna mood kita yang jelek ya. Nggak baik.'
Dan seketika hal itu membuatku malu. Aku, yang saat itu bebannya cuma tubes pemsis, udah sejelek itu moodnya dan unintentionally jutek ke semua orang. Sedangkan dia, yang bebannya sidang kerjaan dll dll dll jauh lebih banyak daripada aku, yang lebih punya hak untuk mengeluh dan badmood, memilih untuk tetep kalem.
Lain cerita, aku sering meminta dia untuk bikin instagram.
'Buat apa?'
'Ya buat seneng-seneng aja.'
'Enggak ah, nggak penting juga.'
'Ih penting tau. Aku kan arsipnya nggak bagus, jadi instagram tuh bisa buat album online gitu kalo fotonya ilang bisa liat di instagram.'
And he kept saying no. Dia nggak pernah mencari recognition, attention, and popularity. Dia tidak takut oblivion (which will obviously wont happen to him) like I do. He has life principles, a very good ones he tries his best to obey.
Lately I knew he just made an instagram account. Iya, aku sedih. Ketika aku minta bikin he never did, but when I took the time to see his profile, disappointment came afterward. Her names were everywhere (and by her I hope you know whom I mean). But hatred slowly changed to an awe once he posted something about them people (the unfortunates, red). He made an account to really share his thought, his kindness, to spread awareness. And that insipired me a lot. Salah satu yang dia ceritakan adalah Pak Otim. Oh, I finally knew who Pak Otim is and how he looks like. One time, he promised me to invite me meeting Pak Otim. I should probably forget that I guess.
Other story, dia benci makanan sisa, makanya dia selalu bersedia ngabisin semua makanan orang-orang yang sisa. I didnt find it disgusting, I found it....humane. He visualizes to be the poor and I appreciate it. That way, dia mengajarkanku untuk nggak pernah membuang makanan and I never did ever since! He taught me to appreciate everything and I tried my freaking best not to let him down. Aku berusaha untuk nggak melakukan sesuatu yang akan membuatnya kecewa, even when he's not around.
Frankly speaking, it is still happening, Kak. Setiap aku akan melakukan sesuatu, aku selalu berpikir, apakah jika aku melakukan ini akan membuatmu kecewa? Karena jika iya, aku tidak akan melakukannya.

He will believe in you.
God, he will believe in you in everything you do. Even when you cant even trust yourself, he will be the first one who will. It was the same day you told me about the 5W1H kind of love.
'Kak, hari ini kakak harus menghiburku dan membuatku senang. Apapun yang terjadi pada pengumuman XL-ku nanti. Biar kalo aku nggak lolos aku nggak sedih-sedih banget.'
There it goes, I aced it. And he is the first one to know, when I told him about the good news,
'Kan, aku bilang apa. Sejak awal aku udah yakin kamu lolos, kamu nggak percaya.' and he smiled.
There once a time as well, ketika aku galau apakah akan ikut YLI atau engga, 'Give it a shot, beth. Sini aku bantu review esainya.' Though I didn't pass, I never regret, I tried anyway.

But there was this one time, the only time as far as I remember, that will always leave a foot mark on my heart, and my whole life.
Pagi itu jam 10, selesai ujian PPM. I could say it was tough. Keluar ruang ujian aku superlemes, takut nggak lulus. And the only one I could think of yang akan membuatku feel better adalah...dia.
I called him, hanya untuk cerita tentang Pelita Muda. But, the call that was supposed to last for a couple of minutes, turned out last for 45 minutes. That small talk became big, kinds I will always embrace. Aku cerita tentang PPM dan how scared I am kalau nggak lulus, dan berlanjut tentang how fail I am as an industrial engineering student, basically how fail I am as a college student to keep my life balanced, how I struggled to juggle every responsibility and ended up a big mess. I cried and here's what he told me

'Bethari, aku nggak pernah melihat seseorang dari IPK, tapi aku lihat IPK sebagai bentuk tanggung jawab ke orang tua. Aku bisa pastikan yang kamu hadapi sekarang itu nggak ada apa-apanya, karena aku tahu setelah ini masih akan ada pelajaran-pelajaran yang lebih susah daripada ini. Sekarang melihat kamu kaya gini, aku nggak perlu kasih tau kamu harus kayak gimana, aku yakin kamu tahu apa yang harus kamu lakukan.'

'Tapi aku takut. Aku nggak yakin aku bisa.....'

'Hey...shhhhh. Aku yakin kamu bisa, oke. Are you crying? Aku yakin kamu bisa. Aku percaya sama kamu.'

'Tapi....'

'Aku percaya sama kamu. Aku yang baru kenal kamu beberapa bulan aja yakin kamu bisa, masa kamu nggak percaya sama diri kamu sendiri? Oke. I believe in you, kamu harus percaya sama diri kamu juga.'

And ever since, ever since, he changed the way I see my self.
He gave me something other people, even my parents, can't, he believed in me. 
That is everything. Everything.

Since that day, I knew I loved him.
Since that day, I knew I had to keep him and would not let him go at all costs.
Since that day, I knew I cant thank God enough for having crossed our paths, for the opportunity to meet him, to know him, to know the world from his point of view, to get this close to him, and to be loved by him.
Since that day,
                        until today....


If only you could see how much you've changed me, you would be surprised, Kak.
It is that much.

Terima kasih kak.
Terima kasih sudah memilihku yang bahkan nggak mampu memberi kakak apapun di antara banyak wanita lain yang menawarkan hal yang lebih baik daripada aku.
Terima kasih atas hadiah yang kakak selalu beri ke aku dan nggak pernah kembali lagi kapanpun: waktu.
Untuk waktu yang terbuang demi membelikanku keyboard protector, mengantarkan atau menjemputku dari/ke kampus, menemuiku di kosan hanya karena ingin melihatku, meneleponku untuk memberi kabar kakak, menjadi teman bicara berjam-jam di telpon, menyemangati ketika lelah, dan mengingatkan ketika tinggi.

Kak, it's so hard to forget the one who gives you so much to remember.
But if I had to choose my favorite moments with you,
it's those nights you told me about your dreams and how you want your future to be

"Aku pengen nanti setelah pensiun tinggal di New Zealand. Nggak tahu ya kenapa, tapi seneng nggak sih lihat yang ijo-ijo gitu tiap hari."

"Kamu tau Che Guevara? Dia lulus kuliah kedokteran keliling Amerika buat ngobatin orang-orang yang korban perang. Jadi dia pindah-pindah sambil mengaplikasikan ilmunya. Gila, keren banget nggak sih hidup kayak gitu?"

"Aku merasa di umur segini harusnya aku dapet berbagai apa ya, nasihat, yang cuma bisa di kasih seorang ayah ke anak laki-lakinya, dan aku nggak dapet itu. Aku tumbuh sebagai anak yang lebih deket ke ibu daripada ayah. Jadi nanti ketika aku punya anak, aku akan jadi ayah yang dekat sama anaknya."

'Hal pertama yang akan aku lakukan ke anak laki-lakiku kalo dia habis berantem bukan marahin, tapi tanya 'Gimana? Menang nggak anak ayah?' Kalo sampe kalah, aku bakal ajarin dia berantem sampe menang!"

and my favorite part:
"Aku pengen keliling Indonesia pake mobil Blazer yang jok belakangnya udah dimodif, mulai dari Jawa, terus lanjut Sumatera, Kalimantan, terus ke Timur sampai nanti balik Jawa lagi."

Those lines have always been, and will always be my favorite moments.

I am wishing all the very best for everything ahead of you, Kak.
Kak, you will always, always, be remembered ❤

You can’t always be somebody’s forever.

Sometimes you’re just

their summer or their little while.

Sometimes not even that.

Sometimes the closest you’ll get

is their almost or their maybe.

And when they leave,

the best you can hope for is to be

their what if or remember when.

Because you can’t always

be somebody’s forever,

even if they were yours... 

- Ranata Suzuki

Anonymous Got It Right.

I still keep the memories close.

I still remember your birthday and all our anniversaries; the day we met, our first date on the hill opening up, our second date stealing foods and leaving pennies on the counter and the way we ended the night visiting hospital looking for toilets and crossing streets full of drunk people to show me how they did it, the day I met your sister, and your mom, and the whole family the very next day, the first time you hold my hand, our first hug, and our goodbye. So very clearly...

27.

It's funny how one year can be a whole different story for both sides.

27 November 2015 will forever be my date, saat pertama kali aku akhirnya pacaran. That way, 27 had always been the date I knew I had to remember ever since, but turned out, I still remember it as the date I need to remember, unconsciously.

27 Desember 2015, adalah hari yang indah as far as I am concerned. Hari itu adalah sebulan pacaran, I was driving to Gresik dan hpku rusak. I texted him. Iya, sms, semacam pacaran jaman SMP dan that's, I think, what makes me still remember it. Dan dia bales sms yang membuat semua cewek di dunia ini seneng kalo di sms kaya gitu sama pacarnya,

'Met sebulan, Beth. Jangan bosen sayang sama gua ya. Sayang bethari.'

Oh that was beautiful, if it wasn't, at least I was happy.

Kemarin 27 Desember 2016.
Was it beautiful? I can hardly say yes, since not any particular thing happened. Tapi kemarin siang, tiba-tiba kepikiran.
Setaun yang lalu, aku sebulanan sama Nabil. Dan sekarang, I am on my way to recover from a boy after him.

Ya, sekarang aku berusaha melupakan seseorang setelah Nabil. Fell twice in a year for a boy huh, that's a record for this innocent me.

How one year can change so much.
How one year can change a stranger into lover and lover into stranger.
How one year can change a smile into scars and unspoken expectation to reality.
How one year can change you, yourself, to someone you never thought you'd become.

And it got me wondering, how my December 27 2017 will be.
Will it be unforgettable?
Will it be sad and unhappy?
Will it change a lot?
Will I change a lot?
Or will it be imaginary? Since no one knows when Allah wants me back to Him.

Life does have a way of working out truly is something we have to believe.

"So many things in life are cyclical… they travel their circular path, always returning eventually to any given point. Time is no exception to this… every 24 hrs the world has spun a full circle and every 365 days it has completed a full circle around the sun. And though the way we experience time is subjective at best, I still believe there is a certain phenomenon that many people share…There are times in our lives we experience a trauma; we are deeply hurt in a way that can never fully heal or we lose someone we love deeply from our lives… and when that happens, something in the way we experience time is forever changed. It is as though the world has always spun its circles on a perfectly polished surface but as of that moment, the glossy exterior is damaged in that exact spot forever and the circle will always have difficulty when it gets back to that point. And from then on it ‘catches’… snags… like a damaged record, or a hangnail on a woolen sweater or a hiccup with a broken rib… and it hurts… in a very real, literal sense.
I lost somebody once on this date… and the way I experience time has forever been altered because of it.
Every year this day ‘catches’… and it hurts. Each time the world has spun another circle, it seems to return to this point and stop momentarily, almost as though it were giving me a moments stillness to acknowledge the emptiness and the loss… before it begins its turning once more…"

- Ranata Suzuki | Painful Anniversaries

Regrets...

Timing is irrelevant when two people are meant for each other. It's what I once believed.

But we met during a time when I was such a mess, when I still had so much to figure out. How could I have known how crucial every word, every action was or how losing you would be something I would always regret?

If only you could have met me now, how different it would be. How much I have changed. How I have grown. I learned so much from all the mistakes I made with you. I just wish I had made them with someone else.

Lang Leav at her best

You Said Move On Where Do I Go?

I still think about you all day all night, in case you wanna know.
That's the only way I know to love you.

I'm still trying to make my mind up that we now are going separate ways, the option I could never think of the moment I knew I started to fall for you. I still get to think..Why? Why? Why does it have to be like this? Why did you go? Why can't we fix it? Why can't we just....try? Tons of questions in my head but none comes out everytime I see you.

I do hope we last and it hurts knowing we don't. We ruined everything even before it started.

Can I text you? Can you just reply? Have you met another girl? Is there any of them who gives you bump? Or have you decided to go back to her? The one you said you'd fight for?

If not,

can we start over?
I promise I'll love you in ways you never expected before, in ways I've never pictured doing to anybody else but you before.

Please, please....

Let me

Days Like These and You're Gone.

“Listen, if you’re going to leave, that’s fine.
And I know you promised you wouldn’t months ago while I was crying into your arms but I also know that sometimes it rains even when it’s not supposed to and sometimes boys kiss girls they shouldn’t and we tear flowers out of the ground just to watch them die and things change,
so I understand if you’re done, but please, when you’re packing all your old sweaters and books, don’t forget to take all your three AM phone calls, and photographs where we’re smiling so wide it looks like we’ve never known that feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone screams “I don’t love you anymore.”

Take back every kiss, every night you fell asleep next to me, every poem you wrote to me, every song you sang to me, every “do you love me fight,” every shock I felt in my skin when you brushed against me.

I was never scared of ghosts until you left but now I see you everywhere and god if you’re going to kill me please, please, just do it quickly because I see you in everything and it’s making it hard to breathe."

Because I don't love people halfway and think that's how you and I differ.

I Miss You, Sir

Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Apa Kabarmu?

Hai, kamu.

Yang selalu ingin mendengarku memanggil namamu tanpa panggilan tambahan khas unggah-ungguh Timur untuk orang yang lebih tua.

Apa kabar?

Dua hari kita tak sua, namun sudah lebih 30 hari kita sudah tak saling ada.

Aku harap kamu baik-baik saja.

Ada bagian hatiku yang hancur saat kau pergi. Ada juga bagian hatiku yang lega saat kau pergi.

Kita bahas yang hancur saja dulu ya?
Kamu adalah salah satu manusia terindah yang pernah aku temui. Membayangkan kamu menyayangiku sungguh fana, sebelum kau benar-benar melakukannya, dan membuktikannya. Kamu salah satu bagian terindah dalam hidupku, sangat absolut. Mungkin aku buta? Sepertinya tidak. Aku bodoh. Tapi aku pikir itulah manusia.

Kita bukannya tidak tau apa yang kita punya sampai hal itu pergi.
Kita tau.
Hanya kita tak tau jika suatu saat kita akan kehilangannya.

Sekarang yang lega.
Tiga bulan ini sungguh indah, sungguh indah. Perpisahan ini membuatku sangat yakin, aku akan jadi orang yang sedikit berbeda. Yang sedikit lebih dewasa dan manusiawi, mungkin kau bilang. Aku selalu ingin menjadi versi terbaik diriku, berusaha selalu produktif, lebih memikirkan orang lain, lebih berdamai dengan diriku, dan paling tidak, semua hal yang kupikir akan membuatmu kecewa padaku, sebisa mungkin tidak kulakukan. Bahkan ketika kamu tak ada.

Hei kamu, terima kasih ya. Aku tidak pernah merasa sesemangat ini untuk memperbaiki diriku sejak kuliah. Terima kasih sudah mengembalikan semangatku.

Lalu yang buat lega?

Adalah karna aku terlalu rapuh dan kosong untuk mendampingimu saat ini. Bahwa aku akan membutuhkanmu lebih banyak daripada kamu membutuhkanku.

Sungguh, akan jadi hubungan yang tidak adil jika itu terjadi. Kamu sungguh membutuhkan orang yang lebih kuat, dan aku bukan orangnya, untuk saat ini. Aku tak ingin semakin menyakitimu bahwasanya aku belum bisa membalas semua ketulusanmu, sebagaimana kamu memperlakukanku.

Aku bahagia karna kamu akan dapat yang lebih baik daripada aku, bahwa kamu tidak harus tersakiti lagi setelah ini.

Ada sebagian kecil hatiku yang berkata ingin kembali, ia meneriakkan kata rindu dan aku tak mampu memenuhi keinginannya.
Oh, mungkin ini yang kau rasakan malam-malam itu? Saat kau sangat ingin bertemu denganku tetapi aku dengan mudahnya berkata tidak?

Sakit ya. Oh, stupid me.

Hai kamu,
kadang aku berpikir mungkin masih akan ada masa depan untuk kita.
Mungkin aku yang naif, tapi tak bolehkah berharap?

Mungkin kita akan bersilangan jalan lagi suatu hari, dan semoga saat itu adalah saat kita bukan lagi saling mencari, tetapi saat kita sama-sama saling menemukan.

Kak,

baik-baik selalu ya.

Kakak tahu aku selalu mendoakan yang terbaik untuk kakak ❤

Pagi Itu.

"I don't think I mean that much to people around me. Seandainya aku meninggal besok, kayaknya nggak akan ada yang sampe ke Surabaya buat ngelayat aku... Well, mungkin Mamuy. Juna maybe... Mungkin dua orang aja."

"Yaudah kalo gitu bakal nambah jadi tiga orang ya yang ke Surabaya kalo kamu meninggal besok."

Sebuah percakapan jam tiga pagi di taman kota, 31 Juli 2016, dengan seseorang yang baru aku kenal seminggu.

This Is How Much I Love You.

I love you,

I really do.

Sincerely, me

Talk Again.....?

Pak Leksananto.

Salah satu mata kuliah semester ini adalah Operations Research II oleh Pak Leksananto.
Kayanya udah ketebak juga dari judulnya kalo postingan ini isinya tentang Pak Leks. Lah kok? Biasanya posting tentang cinta2an kenapa sekarang tetiba tentang dosen?!?! Yauda terima aja kan blog aku suka2 aku kayak ada yang baca aja.

Seperti yang udah biasa didenger dari jaman SMA, pasti pada bilangnya kuliah tuh ga kayak SMA.
Di SMA tuh kamu bla bla bla sampe mulut berbusa.
Di kuliah tuh kamu bla bla bla sampe mulut berbusa dan berbisa.
Ya setelah jadi mahasiswa selama 2, 5 tahun ternyata kata maha di depan siswa ini cukup membuat hidup brodol ya. Dengan kata lain, hidup saya brodol both in good and bad ways. Kembali ke topik, biasanya yang suka orang-orang bilang adalah pas kuliah mah dosen ga bakal ngurusin kamu kayak guru, ga peduli kamu bisa atau nggak dan lain lain. Kenyataannya, ya benar sekali bung. Cukup mengecewakan. Bahkan ada dosen yang minta kuliah Sabtu like WHAAAT?!.....Sir....r....u......serious..................................ly kidding me?
Setelah cukup terbiasa dengan kekumishan ini (ini salah satu yang membuat hidup brodol in a good way adalah aku mengenal bahasa baru yg lucu2 seperti brodol vraney kumish burzau dll), aku jadi nggak menaruh ekspektasi tinggi ke tiap dosen yang ngajar aku untuk sedikit menunjukkan sisi kemanusiaannya.

But lucky me, aku mengenal Pak Leks.
Beliau adalah dosen OR II. Umurnya udah tua sih, kira2 60 taun (kaya bapaknya bilang) dan rambutnya udah putih gitu. Tapi, dalam waktu satu semester ini bapaknya mengajarkan aku banyak hal di luar akademik yang membuatku kagum.

Pak Leks sempat sakit sebelum semester ini mulai dan menurut anak TI Awal yg dulu diajar Pak Leks, beliau ngajarnya enak. Sedih dong, tapi ternyata alhamdulillah beliau masih bisa ngajar. Dan unexpectedly, aku menemukan seorang dosen yang masih sangat menjaga nilai dan kualitas dirinya despite segala kehebatannya. I must say, Pak Leks adalah salah satu dosen yang (masih) menghargai mahasiswanya sebagai manusia yang punya hak untuk mendapat ilmu dan dosen memiliki kewajiban untuk memenuhinya, yang mana, hak dan kewajiban ini tidak ada yang lebih tinggi dari satu sama lain. Sama.
Beliau adalah dosen yang berintegritas. Kuliah jam 1 ya jam 1 dateng. Kuliah jam 4 ya jam 4. Bahkan, kadang beliau datang 5 menit sebelum kelas mulai. Membuatku berkaca, aku yang butuh ilmu kok malah suka dateng mepet2. Kuliahnya? Berjalan sebagaimana mestinya. Beliau selalu memasang alarm di jam saat beliau harus mengakhiri kelas. Misal jam 13.40 harus di akhiri, alarmnya bunyi. Jadi nggak ada ceritanya dosen korupsi waktu ngajar gegara telat. Dan kalaupun ternyata masih ada materi yang ingin disampaikan, beliau minta izin ke mahasiswanya dan mempersilahkan mahasiswa yang sudah punya urusan duluan untuk meninggalkan kelas. Just....wow. Dosen menghargai waktu mahasiswanya adalah salah satu hal yang sangat aku apresiasi.
Selain itu, Pak Leks juga memosisikan diri beliau bukan hanya sebagai dosen, tapi juga sebagai orang yang pernah merasakan jadi mahasiswa. Setiap selesai ngajarin materi, beliau selalu tanya mahasiswanya ngerti atau nggak dan bersedia ngulang kalo ga ngerti, Bahkan sering, Pak Leks bilang 'Kalo kalian nggak ngerti gapapa kok, ini memang susah dan saya gak berharap kalian langsung mengerti. Yang penting kalian belajar.' Tiap kuliah, Pak Leks juga selalu ngasih slot waktu 5-10 menit buat istirahat, tanpa menambah waktu kuliah seharusnya. Perna juga Pak Leks ngasi video-video lucu di kelas buat mencairkan suasana dan memperbaiki keadaan kelas yang genting karena ga paham materi. Beliau juga ga masalah sama mahasiswa yang telat, asal ijin.
Pak Leks juga dosen yang bukan hanya pengajar, tapi pendidik.
Beliau bukan cuma ngajarin materi kuliah yang mostly akan dilupakan setelah lulus kecuali emg kerja di bagian itu, tapi beliau mendidik unggah ungguh yang harusnya diaplikasikan seumur hidup. Tiap baru masuk atau keluar kelas, either ada urusan atau kamar mandi, Pak Leks selalu nyuruh buat minta izin. 'Ini yang pengen saya ajarin ke kalian, supaya kaliah terbiasa. Supaya kalian dihargai, kalian harus menghargai dulu.'
Pak Leks juga suka cerita tentang pengalaman beliau. Tentang penyakitnya yang karena ngerokok 20 tahun (dan akhirnya aku jd sering jadiin cerita Pak Leks buat cerita ke orang2 terdekatku yang ngerokok buat ngurangi), temen-temennya, penglihatannya yg mulai buram, kebiasaannya jaman dulu mantengin komputer hampir all day all night nungguin software selesai rendering solusi optimal, pengalaman ketemu hantu, dan lain lain.
Oh ya, dan satu lagi! Beliau berusaha mengingat nama mahasiswa-mahasiswanya. Aku yakin, Pak Leks ingat nama setengah kelas lebih dan inget muka-muka sisanya juga meski ga inget nama. Dan bayangin aja ada kelas MRI jg yang beliau ajar. Dan ada berapa angkatan yg beliau ajar. Yah meskipun Pak Leks nggak inget nama asliku, tapi beliau ingat aku sebagai mbak yang dari Surabaya. Totally fine, Pak, I dont mind at all!

Bukankah itu sesuatu yang mengagumkan guys?
Bahwa seorang dosen dengan pengalaman yang udah luar biasa tetap menganggap mahasiswa yang hebatnya ga ada seperempatnya sebagai orang yang penting, yang perlu dihargai.
Rasa kagumku ga ada habisnya sama orang ini, sampai akhirnya tadi adalah kuliah terakhir bersama beliau. Setelah materi terakhir, tiba2 Pak Leks bilang 'Sebentar-sebentar ada satu lagi hal yang sangat penting yang mau saya sampaikan.'
Tetiba beliau menutup slide dan membuka file lain. Kalian tau guys, filenya apa?
Itu adalah sebuah file presentasi lain, yang isinya adalah motivasi hidup.
Di slide itu, ada cerita tentang pelari yang lagi lomba. Tiba2 ada salah satu yang jatuh, dan yang dilakukan oleh pelari lain adalah menghampiri pelari yang jatuh, dan akhirnya mereka lari bareng. Bahwa ga penting siapa yang terkaya, terpintar, terbaik, ter-. Yang penting adalah, siapa yang ada disana, yang membantumu tumbuh, yang membuatmu berkembang.

That the thing about life is not always to win, but to help others win.

Seisi kelas terdiam dan saat slide ditutup, semuanya tepuk tangan, Termasuk aku. Deep down, aku nggak tau penyebab sebenarnya aku tepuk tangan. Apakah karena motivasi ini atau karena Pak Leks yang begitu tulus ingin melihat mahasiswanya jadi ornag yang bukan cuma pinter, tapi juga bermartabat.

Setelah itu, Yasserino, ketua kelasku, ngajak foto sekelas sama Pak Leks.
Selesai foto, aku bisa lihat senyumnya Pak Leks tulusss bgt. Dan aku pun bisa lihat di mata temen-temenku bagaimana mereka berterima kasih sama beliau.
Hari ini membuat aku bersyukur aku masih bisa ketemu orang hebat kayak Pak Leks.
Entah, kadang tiny moments kayak gitu2 yang jarang diperhatikan orang justru adalah yang aku concern most, dan bikin aku meleleh dalam kekaguman (ok ini diksi yang aneh).

Hmmfh.
Minggu ini aku agak aneh. Kayak sekarang, tiba-tiba post tentang dosen.
Tapi yah gimana, ginilah hidup. Harus naik turun.

Pak Leks, semoga selalu diberi kesehatan dan menyebarkan lebih banyak inspirasi ya :)

Cause I Have.

Have you ever been
so sad
so damaged
you listen to ballad songs
and when the flashback starts
you can't stop the tears streaming down your face
for a rigid one hour
on the bathroom floor
scared going back to the crowd
cause you just dont want the world
to know how rude he is
and how broken you are
cause you dont want people
to know how hurtful he is
and how stupid you are,
for believing in him?

All Within A Single Person.

"The first person I lost was my lover…
I cried for 165 days in a row and the first day I didn’t, I felt guilty; as if suffering somehow equated to love and the fact that I hadn’t cried meant I didn’t miss them enough and I never deserved them in the first place…

The next person I lost was my friend…
Things happened… things went wrong… It felt like my whole life was falling apart and when all I wanted to do was turn to my best friend… I realized they were gone…

After that I lost my soulmate because I honestly think I lost a part of my soul.
I’m not the same person anymore, a part of me is missing and I know I’ll never get it back…

And one day when I’m ready… I will lose one more person to the distant past…

One day…
I will lose the ghost of those three people.

The spectre I see sitting across from me at empty café tables, the one I turn to face at the punchline of every joke, and one I reach for in the within vast emptiness inside myself.
One day that ever present shadow will fade away forever like the rest… but not yet. I‘m not ready to let that last echo fade… I’m still trying to reconcile the loss of the other three because they were all so much to lose…

And I lost them all within a single person.”

—Ranata Suzuki | All The People I’ve Lost

Reminder.

There are a few things you must never say unless you mean them from the bottom of your heart. I love you, I am there for you and I will never leave you are words that should never be lies, because that's how you tear a soul apart.

-@lesparisiennesdumonde

I Beg.

I miss you so much it hurts.

I bet you'd say I lied.
Casual.

I cried these past 7 days and I lied.

Kak, if I let you know one thing before the last time, it would be when and what makes me cry.

When my dad kissed my forehead at the departure,
when my mom gave me a long hug before she left this city,
when I saw my sisters blew kiss from the car which was slowly disappearing,
When my grandma passed away,
and when I think about the future of all of my friendships -I am afraid if we're not gonna see each other after those graduation leaps-.

Cause the last thing I want to tell, is
I love you, and you have no idea how fucking much I want to be with you.

Please, please.
Don't break my heart over again. I beg.

In Pieces.

Who thought I'd be in the same phase, exactly 4 months later?
Who expected I'd be crying over the same thing in the same place, 4 months later?
The fallen pieces are just the same, the difference?
Now, you're the one who makes it.

If in the end, we go separate ways, you and me, so that's the thing with my heart.

The problem is, when you're gone, you're taking away my dreams too.
They're the part of me and I just can't.

You were so sure about what you said,
that you liked getting lost in me,
that you didn't want to lose me,
that you loved me,
that we had so much in common,
that you had your dreams set and we happened to be in the same path.
And I started to believe it my self.
I started to get you to my life, to lean on you, to do my firsts believing you won't break me, you won't leave me.
Turns out, it starts consuming me: the presence of you, the touch of your skin, the promises you made, your voice, your smell, the thought that we'd end up together and live your dreams (which finally become mine as well) side by side.

Am I wrong? Tell me, where did I do wrong?

Is it me being too stupid to believe you really were, or is it you, who's not ready enough to get over your past, expecting me to satisfy your need with the image of her through my self, blaming me and your problems over the way you leave?
I thought when people said 'I love you' they mean 'I love you forever'.
See? Forever is delusional, like you are.

Is it me being too stupid to believe in you? Is it?

I thought we would fight for each other. I thought we'd fix it, provided something broken.
I thought we'd make it. I really did.

I thought we'd last, that is why here I am, trying to have your back, doing everything I can to assure you, I try, I really did, and I still am.

But you're gone, all of a sudden.

Is this how you're gonna treat me? Fly me high and left me, didn't even have the intention to catch me when I fall.

Why did you ask me if I loved you, while you're the one who didn't? You're the one who leaves, who gives up?

Why? Cause I can never think about it myself.

Let me tell you this one thing.

I rarely fall, but once I do, I fall hard. I think I've told you several times the other days.

You might not see it, but yes, too much things I did the firsts to show you how much I cared, things I have never given to anybody else before you.

I'd risk my self, that's how I love you, the only way I know to love you.

And you still question it?

Cause when you're gone, you're taking away my part who believed in what you said.
And I believed in everything you said with all my heart.

Are you gonna break me?
This damaged girl who just tried to move on but got broken once again? Who just turned 20 looking for her prince charming til she realized she might have found it, that she finally started expecting her prince charming to be hers, to be the one, to be her everything she's brave enough to even think about spending the rest of her life in the future with?
Are you?

Cause if yes, why would you be so sure about anything? How could you?

Why did you have to make me believe we would make it?

Cause that's gonna be the rudest thing a gentleman could ever do to a woman.

And I believe wholeheartedly you were one.

Please, to whom I should lean on to now? Who's gonna stand by me, believing in me that I could overcome all my pitfalls? Who's gonna find my flaws just adorable? Who's gonna rub my back when I cry?

Please,

how can I make myself whole again

when a part of me

has unapologetically

gone with you? 

Say You'll Remember Me.

I hope we last. I hope we do.
But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat, kinda messed up with my own. Remember me laughing at our only-we-know jokes, the most stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad I never thought if I'd recover. Remember me brave, that time I was striving so you could see my effort; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - when I called feeling blue and you told me you believed in me.
Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways you never knew so that I could get your attention back. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs I couldn’t stop listening to and the wild dreams you allowed yourself about the future, that you said we had much intersection on.

If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too. If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning.
Remember the first time you knew.

To My Never.

“They always believed that we’ll end up together right?” you asked.

I hummed in agreement. You put your hands on my waist, as I leaned my head into your chest.

“But you never loved me.” I said.

You found yourself humored. Laughter reverberated in your chest as if you heard the funniest joke in the world.

“Why? Did you ever love me?”

You asked, daring me to answer.
You were so confident that you knew my answer. But you were wrong.

“At some point, I sure did.”

I then felt your heart hammered inside your chest as I bury my tears in it."

Will You Up and Leave?

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that
you are going to end up like everyone else that has ever left me.

I’m afraid that
one day you aren’t going to see the quirky little things I do as endearing or cute,
but rather annoying and obnoxious.

I’m afraid that
you won’t see the things I say and do as you do now,
that you will eventually grow annoyed of me.

I’m afraid that you’ll see my flaws for what they are,
disgusting.

I’m afraid that
you’ll up
and leave
just like they all do.

Words from 7.06 pm (on instagram)

Wish Upon A Lucky Star Tonight.

Selamat sidang, kak.

Not a proper media to say such things I know right.
But am pretty sure you'll ace it incredibly, just as good as you already are and have always been.

Semoga dilancarkan, doaku selalu untuk kakak.

have you ever been in a situation

when

you listen to sad love songs,

shed tears,

throat choked,

wanna be there,

but even 'there' is no longer there?

The One I Don't Mind Losing Sleep Over.

I have late conversations with the moon.
He tells me about the sun,
I tell him about you.

-S.L. Gray 

Kepergian dan Perempuan yang Terlelap dengan Sekawanan Kupu-kupu.

Apa saja yang sedang kaulihat di atas sana?

entah seberapa dalam kita saling melukai suatu malam
sampai kutemukan kau meninggalkanku terlelap dengan
sekawanan kupu-kupu:

kehilangan yang terbang memenuhi dada dan perutku.

Meski begitu mulai kunikmati pagi-pagi timbul tenggelam dalam perasaan
yang kita muntahkan setengah sadar
sebab mungkin memang tak ada yang perlu disesali
dari sebuah kepergian

(kuingat kita suka membayangkan membebaskan diri
dalam sebuah balon udara
dan tersadar kata-kata tajam akan menjadikannya
perjalanan yang berbahaya)

maka aku akan berhenti menarikmu kembali ke daratan—
kubiarkan kau menjadi layang-layang
yang bebas terbang.

-----

Tapi kautahu ke mana dapat pulang jika perjalanan
menjadi terlalu sepi untukmu

: seorang perempuan tengah terlelap
dengan sekawanan kupu-kupu yang kautinggalkan
dan membuatnya menunggu.

                                                  -jemarimenari

-.

Show me the most damaged parts of your soul,

and I will show you how it still shines like gold.

We Could Be.

Just find way to get home
There's a space in my heart
Open arms for you to run to

Baby, close your eyes and take the leap
To make believe in fairy tales
I'll meet you there
Oh yea, I'll fall too

See I've wanted you here
All along but my fear
Just keep haunting me won't let me go

So it's hard to say I love you


We could be stars.

Alessia Cara - Stars

If.

If you have my number, please don’t be afraid to use it.
It’s ok if it’s been a week, a month, a decade,
you have it for a reason.

The number that you hold isn’t just my personal number,
it’s the direct line to hope and to help.
It’s a direct line to support and it’s a direct line to understanding.
I’ve been through rough times, and I’ve been through happy times,
and I’ll always understand what made you
want to pick up the phone.

So if you are awake late at night like I am,
and you wonder who to call because no one
else will answer your texts, you can call me.

I’ll always listen.

And maybe sometimes, I’ll forget to text you back or call you back
because life moves so rapidly, and some things slip through the cracks.
But don’t give up. Continue to text me.
I will never be upset.

Because if you have my number, you have my friendship.
I hope you never go a night thinking that no one out there thinks of you,
because I probably do,
and I want to hear from you. It’s alright if it’s been a while
because life goes on, and I will have forgotten how much time has
passed until I look at our last conversation and by then,
we’ll already be talking.

So if you have my number, please use it,
and if you don’t,
please ask.

Biggest Mistake.

My biggest mistake other than hurting you was thinking you could fix me. Only I can fix me. I’d like to become the person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. I don’t know how long that’ll take, but I hope you’ll be there when it happens.

Stuck in Love (2012)

Let Us.

A Mandatory Birthday Post (And A Bit About Coincidence).

Gloomy words about love this past 2 months.

The breaking up, falling to pieces stuffs,  moving on, seeing another guy, starting to fall all over again, happening to be good, but rough, above all, I am trying anyway.

Today I am turning 20.

Masa rawan titik balik, katanya.
It scares me a little bit tho, but I hope everything goes well.

Mungkin hari ini aku akan memulai cerita yang lain, yang bukan tentang cinta.

Sebagai anak kosan yang suka gratisan (who doesn't anyway HAHA), aku sudah meniatkan hari ultahku sebagai hari dimana aku bersenang-senang.....dan mencari gratisan.

Gratisan pertama adalah ke Holycow. Dan alhamdulillah kenyang. Tapi karena hari gratisan cm setaun sekali dan ini hari minggu dan besok senin, why don't we just EAT EVERYTHING TODAY AND PUASA SENIN KAMIS BESOK to balance every inch of my belly?!?!

So that's what I did. Pulang dr Holycow naik angkot turun ke Cafe Halaman (dengan catatan aku sudah mengobservasi resto mana aja yg ada paket ultah --> dasar banci gratisan). Makanlah aku di Cafe Halaman sambil baca bukunya Sophie Navita yang "Hati Yang Gembira Adalah Obat" (anyway this is a good book, bacanya seneng, dan membuatku berkomitmen untuk lebih banyak baca buku ginian daripada novel).

Long story short, I've found out that Sophie once lived in Bandung dan tepat setelah makan aku sempat baca bukunya sekilas. Dia menulis 3 tempat paling berkesan menurut dia di Bandung. Entah gimana ini bisa terjadi, dia nulis 'Jalan Tamansari 92' and I was like..........

Bentar, barusan pas lihat buku menu kayak kenal alamat ini....

Aku terusin lah bacanya (anyway, Cafe Halaman is a good place with a good ambience but...lampunya ada yg ga kuning ga biar enak gitu buat baca....) dan ternyata Sophie bilang itu cm tempat dia suka kumpul sm Komunitas Paduan Suara or something gitu pas dulu. Jadi yasudahlah aku pikir tadi aku salah baca di buku menu.

I kept on reading.....and here's what I got.

Ternyata....Tamansari 92....benar-benar....Cafe Halaman......

Aku membaca bab tentang Cafe Halaman, tepat di Cafe Halaman, di saat yang sama sekali ga disangka. Mungkin aku aneh, tapi menurutku ini indah.

.....Oh how come! I'm still in an awe....

This is what I like about life, you know.
Coincidence.
Aku sudah mengalami banyak banget beautiful coincidence yang kadang kalau dipikir sampe sekarang tuh kaya....kok bisa....meskipun sebenernya memang masih masuk akal dan mungkin terjadi.

Kadang kita gatau gitu kenapa sesuatu bisa terjadi ke kita. Kenapa kita? Kenapa tentang sesuatu itu? Kenapa disini? Dengan kondisi kayak gini lagi? Kenapa begitu tepat? Kenapa sangat ga ada firasat tapi terjadi? Kenapa...kenapa...kenapa and the list goes on.

Aku mengagumi cara Tuhan bekerja. Tangan-Nya sangat ajaib, tanpa ragu disebut Maha Pembolak-balik Hati, Maha Kuala atas segala kejadian, karena memang Dia begitu.

Kadang kalau dipikir, hidupku ini banyak banget kebetulan yang indah. Kadang aku merasa gak pantes dikasi kebetulan-kebetulan ini terlalu banyak. Kayak..menurutku, kebetulan ini adalah salah satu cara Tuhan menunjukkan kekuasaan-Nya, yang harusnya membuatku sebagai makhluk hidup jadi lebih bersyukur dan lebih baik as a person. Kenyataannya, aku merasa gak pantes dikasi kebetulan yang banyak ini karena...I couldn't manage myself to be as good as I should be. Aku tau aku harus jd lebih baik setelah menyadari berapa kecilnya aku di depan Allah, tapi...ya...ego ku sebagai manusia yang membuat aku merasa kebetulan yasudahlah, keren sih, tapi yasudahlah.

Entah, tahun ini keadaan emosionalku memang agak aneh. Jadi kurang motivasi dan menganggap ini semua angin lalu aja. Well I know ini ga bagus, tapi.....(kan, tapi lagi).

Entah, bethari memang banyak alasan. Dan suka kontradiktif, katanya.

Ini sebuah tulisan cuma mau curhat aja. Bukan untuk seseorang atau supaya seseorang tau.
Semoga ini jadi post introspeksi buat diriku juga. Bahwa di kepala 2 ini aku akan mulai memutuskan segala keputusan penting dari hidupku dan aku gaboleh kayak gini terus.

Anyway, I can say today was my worst birthday ever.

Biasanya kalau ulang tahun tuh meskipun ga ngapa2in juga seneng gitu. Tapi hari ini moodku hancur banget. Meskipun udah didoain dan diucapin sana sini, tapi kaya gabisa light up the rest of my day gitu.

Hm, curhat aja.

But I appreciate you who have spared your precious time to wish me a happiest birthday. I'm so blessed knowing this broken me still deserves any kinds of good words and a (no longer surprise) surprise of yours. Know that each of them has been taken to heart, gracefully.

Sebelum menutup hari ini, aku ingin berterima kasih kepada salah satu orang paling tulus yang pernah aku temui, yang masih berusaha menyenangkan the childish me yang ingin ini itu di hari ini tp ga jadi terwujud karna ke-careless-an ku sendiri, yang memikirkanku lebih sering daripada dia memikirkan dirinya sendiri, yang masih berusaha memberi meskipun yang dia dapat gak pernah sebesar yang dia beri, yang mungkin sudah membuka blog ini untuk kesekian kalinya di 48 jam terakhir untuk menunggu post galau apalagi yang akan aku post,

terima kasih, semoga Allah selalu lancarkan jalan kakak.

Aamiin

Bad Dream.

What are you thinking?
How are you feeling?
What have we done to each other?
What will we do?

I met a sweet, great, gorgeous, cool-ass guy. He fell in love with a broken, terrible, chaotic, bitter-ass girl, me.

How tragic

A Note To Self:

Date Him First.

You should date someone who treats you terribly. Who treats you in a way that makes all of your friends wonder what the hell you’re thinking.

Someone who treats you like shit.

Find someone who never texts you back and always lets you initiate plans and never makes an effort. Find someone who makes you question their feelings because they have never just been honest with you. Find someone who uses you, who can never seem to be there when you actually need them. Be with someone who doesn’t care about your needs, your ambitions, your thoughts. Find someone who never asks about your family and disappoints you repeatedly and never says they’re sorry. Find someone who doesn’t care.

And then date them. Fall for them. Make excuses for them and justify why you’re the only one who gets them, who knows who they really are. Pretend like everything is fine. Convince yourself that you can change them. Believe that if you stick around, they will love you even more for always being there when they weren’t the person you needed them to be.

Love them even when you know you probably shouldn’t.

And then get your heartbroken. Be devastated by it, by them. Sit there, holding yourself together and wonder what you did wrong. Blame yourself for their issues, for their shortcomings.

Blame yourself for why they treated you like shit.

But then —
You’ll pick yourself up. You’ll move on. You’ll wake up one morning and even though the memories of them and how they treated you will still be there, it won’t hurt anymore.

You should date someone who treats you like shit.

Because when you date someone who treats you like shit, you’ll realize how you actually want to be treated.

You’ll go from being the person who shrugs off bad behavior, who excuses things, who settles, and you’ll turn into someone stronger. You’ll be better, more self-aware. You’ll turn into someone who knows what they want, and more importantly, what they deserve.

You should date someone who treats you like shit.

Because once you do, you’ll never let someone ever treat like anything less than amazing, ever again.

by @kendrasyrdal

A Plot Twist.

"Konsep kita mengenai jatuh cinta kadang mengaburkan fakta bahwa jatuh cinta nggak lagi sederhana."

- Tirta Prayudha, 2016.

Karena ternyata, butuh dua orang yang saling suka saja tidak cukup.

Ada kenangan kala itu yang masih ingin disimpan olehku,

dan masa lalu yang kembali menawarkan harapan padamu.